Hey, everyone! Did you miss the super pointless filler episodes that try too hard to be funny and just end up making you feel vaguely uncomfortable? Sure you didn’t, but goddammit, the CW ordered 23 episodes of this show and there’s only so much overarching plot to stretch out over eight months. So let’s have a brief recap of what happened this week on Supernatural and then promptly forget it ever happened.
We open with a generically pretty blonde (copyright CW 2013) dropping her keys under a car. When she attempts to retrieve them, a blue light shines, someone lifts up her car, and she disappears with a shriek. Horror movie lesson one: if you drop your keys under the car, set it on fire and walk home.
At the Batcave, Sam’s looking all tuckered out. Dean asks him how he’s feeling, and he eventually admits he may be a bit under the weather. So I guess Zeke isn’t fixing him as well anymore? Even though we didn’t hear from that guy at all last episode and the week before that Sam was practically skipping? ‘K, whatever.
A call from their old friend Sheriff Jody Mills brings them to whatever Podunk Midwestern town they’ve dressed Canada up as today. (Drink as you try to guess which flyover state it is! Our guess is, forevermore, Ohio.) People are disappearing in flashes of blue light, in case you forgot, and it's not just the kind blonde from the opener. All these people belong to one of those gross, overly white, too-new megachurches that promote abstinence and purity and twin sweater sets. To get in with the church, Sam and Dean are required to sign a virginity pledge. Get it? Because they've had so much sex that should be funny to you.
Hymens once again in tact, they go to a purity meeting. Apparently despite having about 40,000 sq ft to go around, there are about eight members of this church, most of which are homely women who squirm with moistness at Dean’s deliberately evocative description of sex. After, Sam is stuck talking to Honor, a frazzled and extremely chaste redhead, whilst Dean gets to go home with Suzy, the hot blonde. There he discovers she is from one of his favourite porno series, Casa Erotica (rip Loki/Gabriel!). She’s tried to give up the life of a pornstar, but Dean’s puppy eyes (he has studied with the best) seduce her and they break their vows of chastity.
Meanwhile, Jody and Sam figured out that the missing folks had all been screwing around, literally, and thus also breaking their virginity pledges. They pinpoint the paranormal culprit as Vesta, Roman goddess of purity. She doesn’t take so kindly to people breaking the vows they’ve made to her, being a vengeful Roman goddess and all; she has a propensity to bury people who don’t stick to their guns. Or not stick their guns... places. Sure enough, as soon as they feel a secondary urge to merge (and after they've had time to rearrange their hair perfectly) Dean and Suzy are whisked away in a flash of blue light.
Apparently Vesta is modern enough to take people’s cell phones when she teleports them to her holding cell; however, she’s not modern enough to know that people might carry more than one. Specifically, she is not acquainted with modern Hunters or with the Winchesters, who (it bears repeating) have been involved in almost every single god-related event for the last nine years. Dean calls Sammy but baby bro can’t hear him well, and uses this along with the “burial” clue to figure out that the prisoners are in an abandoned train depot. Jody pipes in that according to lore (pour one out for Bobby) they’ll need a virgin’s blood to call up Vesta.
Sam finds Dean and the other captives quickly enough (once Jody has punched a member of the virgins club), but Vesta shows up to stop them… and who is Vesta but Honor! Oh redheads, you cray-cray. Vesta tries to off Sam and Jody, but gives pause when she reaches Sam, noticing that his soul is basically torn to shreds and held together with scotch tape. Sam is confused by this statement, but Jody ices Vesta before she can explore further. All is well. Ish.
Cue emotional brother time! Sam confesses to Dean that he’s falling apart, though he doesn’t mean it as literally as the situation actually calls for. Apparently this makes him feel guilty? Because he’s not strong? I guess? Haven’t we had this conversation like, I dunno, a billion times? Dean is on the brink of telling him about Zeke when the angel himself zaps to life, and in extremely HAL 9000 fashion, stops Dean from doing the right thing. Sam is back, and Dean continues lying to him.
Uh, so that’s it. I promise it wasn’t that interesting. Sometimes a filler episode is just a filler episode.
Next week: The thing that is happening with Zeke comes to a head in a predictable manner.