Lovers of butts everywhere were shocked and offended today when Marvel revealed through their marketing department, ComicBookResources, that they would be censoring the nude butt of character Liz Moran in Gary Leech's original artwork for Miracleman, or, at least, the version of it available for purchase on Marvel's iOS app. The change comes in the wake of recent controversies involving Apple removing comics from the iTunes store when they contain sexual content, such as Image Comics' Saga and Sex Criminals.
Faced with a public outcry from fandom, Marvel was forced to hold a press conference to discuss comics, butts, butts in comics, and what it means for the future of Miracleman, which features far more than naked butts as the story originally written by Alan "Fish Semen" Moore progresses. Marvel's spokesperson, dressed in a black leather jacket, white t-shirt, and black fedora, stood atop a massive statue of Liz Moran's butt to address a crowd eager reporters, and immediately defended Marvel's decision.
"Them other brothers can't deny," the Marvel spokesperson said, referring to crosstown rival DC. "When a butt gets drawn in with any itty bitty waist, and a round thing in your face, you cover it up with pants out of fear of being boycotted."
While no questions were taken at the conference, there was at least some degree of interactivity.
"Fellows?" said the spokesperson.
"Yeah?" said the assembled group of reporters.
"Fellows," said the spokesperson again for no discernable reason.
"Yeah?" repeated the media scrum.
"Does your comics have the butts?"
"Tell it to cover up! (Cover up!) Cover up! (Cover up!) Cover up that healthy butt! Comics are whack."
As the conference went on, it was clear that Marvel had no plans of backing down from their position.
"Oh, Miracleman, I wanna get with you, and cover up that picture," said the spokesperson. "My home boys (Eclipse Comics) try to warn me, but that butt you got makes me so fearful of parental backlash that I hastily hide it with a quickly drawn on pair pants."
"I'm tired of magazines saying flat butts (i.e., ones found on printed paper) are the thing," he added. "Take your average comic executive and ask him that, and they'll say 'No, she has to wear pants.'"
Though Marvel refused to take any questions, they did offer a resource for fans looking for more information on the subject.
"So readers, if a butt is found and you don't want a triple x throw down," the spokesperson concluded, "dial 1-900-MIXALOT, which will direct you to the Decency Division of the Comics Code Authority, where you can report any gratuitous nudity to the authorities."
We'll keep you updated on this breaking story.
Here's the digitally purified panel:
How are we supposed to whack off to that? We mean, we'll do it, but we won't like it.