Sunday, May 20, 2018 • Afternoon Edition • "Be glad we're not indoors."

Game of Thrones- First of His Name

Written by Dr. Improbable on Monday, May 05 2014 and posted in Features

Game of Thrones- First of His Name

Game of Thrones: Now with 150% more Wu Tang!

Source: Game of Thrones

Today we're reminded why we don't mess with the Stark family, or at least Jon, Bran, and Arya. Straight from the motherfucking Winterfell that's busted.

Tommen is officially running shit now! Cersei and Margery discuss the future. Margery pretends she has no designs to be queen, or at least that she hasn’t thought of it since Joff’s passing, but no one really falls for that. Cersei is still supposed to marry Loras.

Jorah and Barristan bring Dany news of Joffery’s death. Furthermore, Daario has captured the slavers’ navy, meaning that she has the vessels to bring nearly 10e5 men into King’s Landing. Though this may be enough to take the city, Jorah brings other news- those she freed at Astapoor and Yunkai have been re-enslaved, and the new slavers in charge have sworn vengeance on Dany. Her solution to this is to prove to herself that she can queen, and stay in Mereen to rule.

Petyr smuggles Sansa into the Eryie. Only Lady Lysa and her developmentally stunted son Robin know Sansa’s true identity. Petyr has ostensibly come to marry Lysa; once Sansa and Robin leave the room, an impassioned Lysa reveals all that Petyr has controlled in the past years- poisoning Lord Robert, having her send a letter to Catelyn blaming the Lannisters, and other such nefarious conduct. To buy her silence, Petyr agrees to marry the smitten crazy woman immediately. Her sex screams keep Sansa up at night. Pleasant.

Cersei speaks to Tywin about the many nuptial plans. He reveals that the Lannister mines have run dry of gold, and that the throne is deeply in debt to the Iron Bank of Braavos. Though neither one of them is particularly fond of the Tyrells, the family is rich and a necessary addition to their cause. Cersei also castigates her father for defending Tyrion (or at any rate, at least giving him an actually fair trial) when he had abandoned Jaime in the riverlands.

Speaking of which, Arya and Sandor are camping down for the night. Arya says her bedtime prayers, i.e. the list of men she intends to kill. Clegane is irritated as he’s trying to fall to sleep, though he is pretty okay with the fact that his brother is on her list. He tells her to finish up, and she says her last intended victim- The Hound. Wu Tang Arya Stark ain’t nothing to fuck with.

Lysa sweetens up (literally) Sansa with some pudding and cakes and then proceeds to interrogate her about the state of her purity. Cuz she takes the cake and she eats it, too. She’s less concerned about what Tyrion has done and more worried about Petyr- she knows Petyr loved Cat even though Cat didn’t love him. Sansa, terrified at the crazytalk coming out of her aunt, babbles a defence so muddled even the unhinged Lysa can see it’s true. She assures Sansa that once Tyrion is executed she can marry Robin instead. Sansa looks as though she’s unconvinced that’s a better offer.

Pod squires for Brienne. He can’t ride a horse, so the results are somewhat comical.

Sandor teaches Arya a lesson that anyone with a good science boost in CivV could tell you: You can be the best swordsman in the world, but in the end big fucking sword + armour >> a stick.

Cersei speaks to Oberyn about losing the people they loved. She asks him to bring Myrcella (remember how she has a daughter Tyrion shipped off to Dorne? Yeah, that happened.) a ship she had made for her. Because when you’re the queen you get to make ships for your children.

Pod also can’t cook a rabbit. But he can pour a damn good cup of wine.

Up in the north, Jojen and Bran have some hallucinations while Meera nearly gets raped. It’s interrupted by the arrival of Jon’s men, who make short work of the mutineers. His new buddy Locke finds Bran and the others, but instead of taking them to Jon, he slices Bran’s arm and makes to carry him off. Bran wargs into Hodor’s body and chokes Locke dead (puts the needles to the groove he gets rude and he's forced to fuck it up). When he tries to reunite with his half brother, Jojen tells him that if he does so, he’ll never find the three eyed crow. Bran regretfully collects Summer and continues north, leaving Jon to kill the rest of the mutineers with his brothers (fatal flying guillotine chops off your fucking head). In the end, they burn Craster’s Keep to the ground, and Jon is reunited with Ghost. Puppy!

Any book readers will know that though the general trajectory seems more or less in tact, the nuances have changed. Margery more directly manipulating Cersei, and Cersei giving into it and her father. Arya wandering about with The Hound (though Maisie Williams has a magical ability to have awesome chemistry with anyone she’s paired with it seems, so it works). Sansa and Petyr’s relationship is also a bit different- he hasn’t seem blatantly insidious towards her, and she’s pretending to be his niece rather than his bastard daughter. Even the prolonged presence of Oberyn is a change. Now that the issues in the north are resolved, everything is similar to what happens in the novels, but with the subtle changes in purpose- most notably Petyr’s more blatantly telegraphed involvement in royal affairs- there’s enough tension and mystery to keep even those of us “in the know” in a state of unease. So until next time.


Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

Comment without an Outhouse Account using Facebook

We get it. You don't feel like signing up for an Outhouse account, even though it's FREE and EASY! That's okay. You can comment with your Facebook account below and we'll take care of adding it to the stream above. But you really should consider getting a full Outhouse account, which will allow you to quote posts, choose an avatar and sig, and comment on our forums too. If that sounds good to you, sign up for an Outhouse account by clicking here.

Note: while you are welcome to speak your mind freely on any topic, we do ask that you keep discussion civil between each other. Nasty personal attacks against other commenters is strongly discouraged. Thanks!
Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

About the Author - DrImprobable

Before you ask, no, Dr. Improbable is not that kind of doctor, and will not be diagnosing your genital warts today. Seriously, put it away. The doc does more of the "mad science" brand of doctoring, though one day hopes to be that "time and space traveling" kind of doctor. In the meantime, Doc passes time cloning things, memorizing acronyms, and using large magnets. When not plotting all the terrible ways to destroy the human race (particularly those found on public transportation), the doc kills time by watching television and making sarcastic commentary on it.


More articles from DrImprobable
The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!