Is it possible to handle the butt-clenching tension of Game of Thrones AND the Blackhawks? I’ll let you know. Warning: This recap contains SPOILERS and HOCKEY.
Davos and Stannis head over to Braavos to beg Bearded Mycroft Holmes (I swear he looks like Mark Gatiss), of the Iron Bank, for some money. They have a pretty low credit score, though, and nothing in the way of collateral. Davos sticks up for his king but Mycroft seems indifferent.
Davos heads over to the baths, where Salidor Saan is hanging out with some boobs. HAWKS SCORE ON A POWER PLAY AND CHELSEA DAGGER PLAYS! Speaking of things going unexpectedly well, Davos has the money to pay Saan, so apparently his rousing speech inspired the Iron Bank.
Yara sails to the Dreadfort to give Ramsay some payback on her brother’s behalf. Ramsay seems a little distracted, what with his getting laid and all. The Ironborn storm the castle and head to the dog’s cages to save Theon. Unfortunately he’s been so thoroughly tortured and broken that he refuses to accept their help, insisting he is Reek, loyal Reek. Yara and her crew fight Ramsay’s men, but Theon wrenches away from her and cowers back in his cell. Ramsay releases his dogs and the Ironmen flee. Ramsay rewards Reek for his loyalty with a bath. He tells Reek he shall have another duty to perform: to pretend to be Theon Greyjoy.
Some goat herders are interrupted from their herding duties by the arrival of Drogon. The terrified goatherd brings one of his charred goats to Daenerys and she promises to pay the herd’s value three times over. Dany’s next guest is Hizdahr zo Loraq, who begs that his father and the other crucified masters of Meereen can be buried properly. Dany allows it. Two down, 212 to go. Game tied at 1-1 at the second intermission.
In King’s Landing, the small council meets. Oberyn is amusingly dismissive of the whole charade. The council discusses mostly the rumours they’ve heard of Daenerys. Tywin acknowledges that she must be dealt with.
Varys and Oberyn meet and have a chat in the throne room. Oberyn tries to suss out Varys’s ambitions, especially considering the eunuch never had much interest in sex, even during his be-penised days.
Jaime comes to collect Tyrion for trial. Tommen begs off his judge seat and the game is back on. Tyrion insists he’s innocent, but the parade of “witnesses” comes forth to insist that, if nothing else, Tyrion wasn’t Joff’s Number One Fan. Meryn Trant reminds us of The Slap. SPEAKING OF SLAPS THERE’S ANOTHER GOAL FOR THE HAWKS! Pycelle accuses Tyrion of stealing the poison, The Strangler, from his stores. Cersei tells the court of the time Tyrion promised that her joy would turn to ashes in her mouth. Varys shares some more implicating statements from Tyrion.
During recess, Jaime accuses his father of running a farce of a trial. He begs Tywin for mercy for Tyrion, and vows to give up his cloak and become the next Lord of Casterly Rock if Tywin will spare lil’ bro. Tywin quickly agrees, and explains his plan the whole time- Tyrion will be declared guilty, he will allow his son to take the black and head to the Wall. Jaime has essentially walked right into his trap, which Tywin was clearly planning on all along. Clever boy.
Check out that fine aerial shot of UC. I see my school! Anyway, back to the trial, Jaime assures Tyrion that if he just keeps his mouth shut, the whole farce will be over soon. Unfortunately Cersei has a surprise witness- Shae! She tells the court everything that’s happened, albeit with a little elaboration at the end when she insists that Tyrion was responsible for Joffery’s death. Tyrion can no longer stand to hear her testimony, and in an impassioned outburst, confesses to his crime- of being a dwarf. Knowing he’ll earn no true justice from the judges, he demands a trial by combat. The court erupts, Oberyn looks intrigued, Cersei looks constipated, and Tywin looks… inscrutable, as always. He and Tyrion stare each other down in a battle of wills. Spoilers: the next four episodes will just be them holding their stare off. It will be as painfully tense and dramatic as any episode.
Shit’s about to get real in King’s Landing. The Hawks are up 3-2 in their series, so I’m okay, at least I will be if my heartbeat returns to normal. Everyone have a lovely week.