For those of you who don’t know, which I reckon is most of you because you don't care, my beloved Hawks lost the WCF to the Kings. To borrow a phrase from Sandor Clegane- Fuck the King(s). Except they played well and I was honestly sort of surprised we got as far as we did, and I should be studying all the time for my big qualifying exam anyway so… Go Rangers! I root for you because your goalie is DAMN sexy.
Anyway, Game of Thrones. In Mole’s Town, Gilly is struggling with the perils of not being a whore in a whorehouse. Her perils are about to become a little more pronounced as the wildling crew storms the place, doing some good ol’ fashioned murder. Fortunately for Gilly, Ygritte sees her with her baby and spares her. Meanwhile Sam cries because he assumes she’s dead. The Night’s Watch argues about going after the wildlings despite their lack of numbers.
Titties! Grey Worm lustily eyes Messandei whilst they bathe. Not sure what he’s getting at, with the whole “lacking a penis” thing. She and Dany discuss just how much of them gets castrated. Grey Worm comes by to apologise and confess his love to her. She reciprocates. Ahh, young love.
Ramsey coaches Theon on how to be Theon for appearances. However, he is always Reek. He rides as a representative of Lord Bolton to his own Ironborn at Harrenhall. He says there was no shame when his own father bent to Robert Baratheon, so there’s no shame now. He gets spit on (with blood instead of saliva! yum!) for his trouble. The second in command axes the proud leader's head and agrees to yield so that they live. Of course, that’s a lie, because Ramsey.
The Lords of the Eryie question Petyr’s loyalties, especially in light of him being poor and a close confidant of the Lannisters. He has framed Lysa’s death as a suicide, and Sansa gets implicated as a witness. They call her in before he can prep her. She confesses to being Sansa Stark and tells the whole story of her abuse in King’s Landing, and how Petyr saved her. Since everyone loves the Starks all the time, the Lords are sympathetic. She delivers an excellent performance by mostly telling the truth… except she says Lysa threw herself out the Moon Door. Petyr finishes off his coup of the Vale by putting Sweetrobin in charge and making himself the protector.
Back in the east, Barristan gets an interesting letter. He shares it with Jorah –it’s a royal pardon. (Recall: Jorah was banished from Westeros by Ned Stark.) The pardon is in exchange for his spying on Daenerys. Jorah’s obviously in love with her now, so this is a huge blow coming from him. He tries to plea with her, but you know Dany, she’s not known for being terribly forgiving. He admits that he is the reason Robert sent people after her when she married Drago. Dany does spare him his life, but banishes him from Mereen. Jorah is sad.
Roose speaks to his psychopathic bastard son. Roose is officially warden of the north. And Ramsey Snow is now Ramsey Bolton. He gets to inherit all that cold, rocky, miserable land -he vows to honour his father and his new legitimate status. I'm sure. They march to the new seat.
Petyr asks why Sansa helped him. I think the consensus is she was less afraid of him than of the other Lords of the Vale. Sansa is apparently all coy and conniving these days.
Meanwhile her little sister is still palling about with The Hound. Clegane says poison is a woman’s weapon, which is somewhat ironic as he’s clearly itching his infection from getting his ear bitten last episode. They reach the Bloody Gate of the Vale, where they announce themselves. When the guardsmen tell them that Lysa is dead, Arya cracks up. Because seriously, what are the odds? Every time she nearly reaches a family member… they die.
Petyr tries to inspire Sweetrobin not to fear death. Sansa shows up in disguise, hair dyed black and wearing a killer mourning gown. Girl knows what Littlefinger wants.
Tyrion stresses with Jaime about the outcome of his trial. But they do joke a bit. Sometimes Jaime’s not a total douche. Tyrion tells a story of morons and dread, which is totally not an allegory. The bells toll.
Trial by combat time! Oberyn, with his typical irreverence, kisses Elliara. She doesn’t seem worried until The Mountain comes out –he’s quite a large man. Gregor Clegane draws his longsword (which on him is just a normal sword.) Oberyn fights deftly with a spear, accusing The Mountain of the crimes he committed against Oberyn’s sister and nephew/niece. Oberyn grows ever angrier, and manages to slash Gregor’s leg and then pierce through his stomach, effectively delivering a death blow. He wants a confession though –he keeps probing, even after the fight looks to be over. He accuses the Mountain in front of all King’s Landing. The Mountain trips Oberyn and pins him down, grabbing his head. Gregor confesses to the rape and murder, and crushes the Viper's skull with his bare hands. Brains everywhere. Tyrion is sentenced to death.
Tough blows all around tonight. Even knowing what was coming for the Viper, the show did a good job of making me like him, so I was still bummed to see him go. A few interesting deviations from the book, most notably with Sansa –in the book no one knows who she is but Petyr and Sweetrobin, but now it seems there are more people in on the secret, which you would think would be kind of problematic as she is also wanted for Joffery’s murder. Also: I don’t believe Arya gets quite that close to the Vale; there’s no weird romantic subplot happening in Mereen; Gilly never leaves Castle Black. Minor points, but still points.
Until next week. Fair warning: I have a proposal defence next Wednesday and I will probably be a little insane.