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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (SPOILERS)

Written by Zechs on Friday, August 08 2014 and posted in Features

Teenage Mutant  Ninja Turtles (2014): THE VIDEO REVIEW (SPOILERS)

The newest movie of TMNT fights well in the Bay film-making style? But now it faces the Zechs!

So why did I record a video than write about this? Okay, even though I ramble about it in the video below, on the Outhouse Pirate Podcast (or after a taping of one) I made a bet with fellow OH! Staff Writer/Podcast member, sdsichero that this movie wouldn't actually come out during the summer and would be delayed further. If only this was the UK, I'd have won that bet as the movie is being released in October. But alas, I lost and had to go see this movie on opening night and then tape my reaction to what I had just watched: good or bad 

So here it is.

Being a man of my word, I went in with this with zero presence of mind [editor's note - that's how Zechs does everything] of all the news that came before it (just trying to think of this as just another movie). Also, excuse the car noises, semi-darkness (but I guess that gives me a Dr. Claw effect doesn't it?), and just take in a semi-rational being [editor's note: where?!] who has just watched the Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:

I just wanted to add a few more clear thoughts now that I'm several hours removed from seeing the movie. It's still bad. Worse when I begin to comprehend more plot holes. Namely, now it's bugging me that the Foot took out the Turtles at their home, yet struggled hard against them during the first two fights of the movie. Speaking of the first two fights: #1 how did the Turtles quickly take out the C4 the Foot strapped to the subway walls? There was like a TON of explosives strapped there. They couldn't have been that quick. #2 how didn't Shredder didn't put two and two together sooner about the Turtles, given basically this was one of his own projects?

The biggest problem I'm now realizing is: HOW IN THE HECK does Splinter even know about Shredder and the Foot? With the removal of the Hamato Yoshi subplot, it removes the layers of knowledge he has. All Splinter should know is Sachs being evil and a lackey to someone bigger. That's it. In all iterations of TMNT, there has always been a blood feud between the Turtles/Splinter and the Foot Clan/Shredder. Always. Here, there really isn't any extra drama, save Shredder just beating the crap out Splinter, who's superfluous because... he doesn't have magic healing blood? Even though he too was given the same round of experiments.

Heck, why did Shredder and Sachs need three of the Turtles? It seems just draining even one would have provided the same amount of magic cure that was needed. Also, does this mean the Turtles in this movie have a healing factor? I mean, that's obviously the implication, but it needed much more elaboration.

Wait, speaking of the whole incident that freed the Turtles... So April's dad goes postal after finding out everyone around him is EVIL. Yet, Splinter says he died in the fire, and yet again, during the climax, Sachs says he put a bullet in April's pop. WHOSE TELLING THE TRUTH?!

Okay, okay, back to saying something somewhat good about the film. The product placement of the pizza isn't bad. Heck, I chuckled at Splinter's method of cracking his sons into talking. On the other hand, during the credits with Victoria Secret, Mikey and Raph hiding as the bra made me cringe and wonder: “Why is this sort of product placement needed? Who really thought that was a good idea?” UGH...

UGH... I need more rum mixed drinks.

Anyway, just spend your money on IDW's TMNT (which has a half-off sale right now), go watch the orignal movie, the second live action if you want a good laugh, the CGI film for just a good time, or Turtles Forever (which is STILL sorely lacking a release of the true UNCUT version. COME ON NICK!! Release the darn full version!!) which is probably no greater love letter an entire series could have. This one, on the other hand, is best served watching with a fast forward button to just skip to the awesome fight scenes, and a very few choice quiet scenes.


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About the Author - Zechs

Zechs is the lord and master of The Toy Shed, Moment of the Week, and Durnkin Reveewz. He's also the official whuppin boy at the Outhouse. So he'll get stuck seeing stuff that no mere mortal should ever see. If there's any greater quality to Zechs, it's that he's an avid fan of comic book characters and would defend them to the bitter end against the companies that use them wrongly. He's also brutally honest. Zechs walks the lonely path in Chicagoland area.


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