As a special gift on his wedding night, the staff and community roast Robert Morris, otherwise known as Outhouse Owner Lord Simian!
Jude Terror: Hello Outhouse posters, and welcome to the official wedding night roast of Robert Morris, aka Lord Simian, the owner of the Outhouse. It's a very special night, and I just want to start off by dispelling the rumors that Rob was able to snag his wife Annie by slipping her a roofie as soon as they met.
No, he first tried the line "Hey baby, I work at a pet store and own a second rate comic book website on which I pretend to be a monkey," and it was only after that didn't work that he gave her the drugs.
I'm kidding, of course. Rob's too cheap to spring for roofies. He used a tylenol PM. Way to crush stereotypes, Haim Morris.
But with the exception of Starlord, we're all happy to see Rob finally find true love, especially after failing so miserably at marriage the first time. You know what they say: if at first you don't succeed, try again with someone ten years younger than you who doesn't know any better.
There are some posters that we really wanted to be here tonight, but for one reason or another, couldn't make it. Nietoperz is one of those guys who should have been here, but as a man known for his good humor and kindness, I think he'll have a hard time making mean-spirited jokes about people. Unless, of course, those people are Cat Scratch, Benderbrau, Aaron_W, nerdygirl, Alchemic Spider, or Dirt Dawg. Yeah, he doesn't like them, which is the one thing he has in common with pretty much everyone here.
We also wanted to have GOSD as a special guest tonight. By special, I mean octogenarian. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to make it because he was too busy breaking down into tears over all the senseless tragedy in the world. Boo hoo, you old, washed-up pussy.
Now, let me turn this over to my co-host, Erik Galston, a man who we're all gonna be apologizing to at the end of the night after he takes all of our jokes seriously. Take it away, Erik.
Erik Galston: Simian has been a dear friend of mine for the last few years. He's helped me through ups and downs, but looking back he reminds me more of something I never had: an absentee father. We wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for him, just like a dead beat dad. Simian might be a good guy, but we'd never know, as he only comes here two weekends a month and every other holiday. He'll know just what to do when he gets around to having children.
Introducing our first guest, a man who took poster of the year WAY to seriously, Frag It.
Frag It: So I've heard that Lord Simian's new wife has a poor reputation. That makes sense since all the women at Petco are bitches.
Lord Simian once called the Outhouse "his baby." Does that mean that if liberals take over that we can still abort John Lewis Hawk?
But seriously, he called the Outhouse "his baby" yet he's never here. He's such a negligent parent that Amy Terror's aunt pities him.
Jude Terror is here tonight. (clap clap clap). Jude is so out of shape that for the first time in years his weight is higher than GOSD's age.
So Lord Simian got married. This was his second attempt to do so. The first time he tried, the judge served him with Cat-Scratch's lawsuit.
Lord Simian actually paid money for The Outhouse. The last time anyone paid money for an outhouse, Psivage was evicted.
I heard Lord Simian is a big fan of King Kong. He says it's the one thing he and Amy Terror have in common.
Lord Simian's wife has now married the man of her dreams. In related news, nerdygirl has now moved to Elm Street.
Lord Simian is very traditional. He wanted his wife to have "something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue" at their wedding. It's why he invited GOSD, Cat_Scratch's last date, xaraan's shirt and Psivage's leg.
Jude: Thanks Frag It, for taking time out of your busy schedule of molesting boys to join us here tonight. Seriously though, Frag It knows a little bit about marriage, as he has a child of his own, which proves that, against all odds, he's had sex at least once in his life with an adult woman. Some people may find that unimpressive, but for most of the posters here, it gives them something to aspire to before they die after a long life of sharing masturbation material in the NSFW women watching thread. Seriously, why is that thing always bumped late at night? It's still gay to jerk off together, even if you're doing on the internet guys. Speaking of gay jerkoffs, who's our next guest, Erik?
Erik: I've been called worse Jude trust me. Our next guest is someone I tend to mistake for a few other people on the board. Please welcome bkthomson, whoever that is.
bkthomson: I really should not make fun of Rob, I mean he must have some business sense - who else would have thought to pay Jude in Chocodiles and have it actaully work? Though Rob's attempt to bring in bolverian Viagra salesmen to bolster a comic book forum community was not one of his brightest ideas. Still they paid him in Viagra, just in time for the wedding. Congratulations!
Jude: That was short and sweet, half of which is also gonna be true of Annie's first night with Rob. I'll let you decide which.
Erik: I still have no clue who our last guest is. Unlike my co-host, who I would know from a mile away. I could go on and on about Jude's weight, but its not nice to make fun of the rotund. Only because they could sit on you. Back to you Jude to introduce our next guest.
Jude: Next up, we wanted to invite a poster who's funny, good looking, and well-liked by everyone. Instead, we got nerdygirl.
nerdygirl: So Simian's trying for a second marriage. As I recall, the first one ended because the ex-wife went Lesbian. Word of advice to you monkey boy: Don't try for a threesome with this one.
Then again given your track record of getting hot women into skin tight spandex, can you please do all the Outhouse a favor and ask her to contribute. Who knows with pics like that, maybe Wizard will come back from the dead again?
Or at the very least, maybe GOSD's erection. It's been dead for much longer.
Clearly your new wife is a remarkable woman... who else would marry a poo-flinging monkey they keep in a pet shop? Just remember as you enter into the bonds of holy matrimony, if this one doesn't work -- the three strikes and you are out rule applies.
Erik: I'm still confused if nerdygirl is a lesbian or not. Judging from some of her posts its hard to tell. I do know something both her and Jude have in common though, an unhealthy relationship with thefourthman. Not that its a bad thing, but come on they both seem to be attracted to him. Right Jude?
Jude: Have you seen his new look? He looks like a bald, retarded Pee Wee Herman! Who wouldn't want a piece of that?
Our next Roaster has been a rising star on the Outhouse, going from a regular poster to upsurping all of our jobs in a very short period of time. I'd like to believe it's his Twinkish good looks and willingness to give blowjobs to strangers that led to his quick promotions, but I have to admit that it's probably his skills that led to him coming into power at The Outhouse. Which is remarkable, because he's the first person to get promoted here for that reason. Nieto has compromising pictures of Simian with a donkey, Starlord fucked his way to the top, MrBlack sued us, and Hawk is a charity case. In any case, here's BlueStreak!
BlueStreak: The Lord of the Monkeys is an odd creature. He likes monkeys. He owns the Outhouse. And now he's getting married. I'd wish him well, but I prefer to keep any and all comments about his nuptials off the record in case I have to kiss his future ex-wife's ass when she takes over 50% of the site. Just remember, Simian, she owns half of the Outhouse now, which means that she'll probably take the good half with all the quality posters and leave you with scraps like Jude, Bender and Topo. Best of luck to you, boss man. Just remember that flinging poo is not an acceptable form of affection to women.
Erik: Ladies and Gentlemen (not that there are any gentlemen on this site), BlueStreak. Since he's been promoted, our connections to the comics community have grown. But anything is an improvement over what we used to have. Time to hand the reigns back to the person who used to be our crappy connection to the community, Jude Terror.
Jude: Thank's Erik. Next up we've got a guy who's been posting with this community longer than I have, which is pretty amazing considering the complete lack of impact he's had on any of our lives. In actuality, he's a quality poster and a great writer, which more than makes up for his many failings as a man and a human being. Give it up for Royal Nonesuch!
Royal Nonesuch: Marriage. Marriage is what brings us here today. Frankly, I couldn't be happier about Lord Simian once again getting hitched under the eyes of Mighty Kong. I hope this day shines brighter than a plastic rhinestone on Jude's Bedazzled vest, and hopefully the midget prostitute that broke up his first marriage doesn't leave Hawk's house to wreak havoc again. May this one not be Batshit Crazy, or crazy at all for that matter, and I hope she's willing to be photographed as whatever lovely superheroine you'd want to pose in Wizard magazine with. Just don't introduce her to Psivage. That didn't work out well for Jude and Amy.
Jude: Psivage. He can try all he wants to steal Amy from me, but I'm always gonna have a leg up on him. Erik, who have we got next?
Erik: There are many words I'd like to say to the next roaster, but if I actually said them, we'd have to be edited for explicit content. I could insult him or something, but I don't think he'd understand the insult, so I'll just bring him out to roast Simian. Take it away Starlord.
Starlord: When Jude first asked me to join him in a roast, I just assumed he meant some kinky food and sex party – my bad. When I realized it was for our beloved leader, Lord Simian I thought: fuck him! He's going to be a newlywed who gets a lot of action. He shouldn't be roasted; he should be slapped by every one of us who have been married for more than two years.
Actually I was honored to be a part of this celebration, but a bit worried. To do a good roast you have to be sharp, tactless, and more than a little crude, and since GOSD is already here, I had no idea what the rest of us were going to say.
Lord Simian is the only straight man that ever let me blow him... of course I had to give him twenty bucks to do it but hey, at ten dollars an inch it was worth it. That reminds me; I wanted to keep this short.
I wish The Lord of the Nesmith, the Jones, the Tork and the Dolenz all the best for the future. Annie is very lucky to be the one to own that hot little ass of yours. Yeah I said it.
Jude: Starlord, thanks for taking time away from starring on Desperate Housewives to contribute to this event. Starlord is comfortable in his position in this roast, because he's quite familiar with coming in between two men. I haven't met anyone so completely devoid of morals since Dick Cheney was vice president. Speaking of dicks...
Erik: Well at least I can see my dick, unlike some people on this panel. Moving on we have our first "international" guest. We wanted Bubba but we got another fine Canadian, no not Cat-Scratch. Here's Stephen Day.
Stephen Day: Congrats to Lord Simian and his lovely bride to be. Well, at least congratulations to him. For her, I say: I'm so sorry about whatever blackmail he has on you, forcing you to go through with this.
I hope only the best for you two. May you send the Silverback Assassination Squad to kill many of your enemies. Oh, and Lord Simian, whatever you do with them, don't let her send them out to do trivial jobs like going to the store to buy whatever you forgot while shopping. I hope you do always keep in mind just how grumpy they get when they're sent out to do things that have nothing to do with killing stuff.
Jude: It's always a sad day when you find yourself insulted by a Canadian, isn't that right Erik?
Erik: It could be worse though, it could be a Brit. Our next guest, is another person I really don't know. I've noticed a trend though, I get to introduce the random people Jude doesn't really know, and the gay guy. Here's Silver Phoenix.
SilverPhoenix: I haven't really interacted with Lord Simian, but from what I haven't seen, I guess he's an okay dude... for someone who could be a serial killer. He also gets props for besting John Lewis Hawk in a game of Go Fish for the Outhouse, which shows us that every fool gets lucky once... especially when the other guy ends up being your intellectual inferior. At the same time, since Lord Simian is technically my boss, I just wanted to say thanks for allowing me a mouthpiece I can use to spread my beliefs. I promise I'll do my best to not get us blacklisted by BOTH Marvel and DC.
In closing, I just want to say congratulations to you and your new wife, and send your wife all the positive vibes she's going to need for this journey. If she survives the upcoming ordeal, it'll be truly because she was meant to.
Erik: Thanks for that, whatever your name is. Now back to Jude so he can introduce another person he knows.
Jude: I have no idea where these base accusations are coming from! You got to introduce Frag It and Starlord, two big name posters, and frankly, I don't see what Royal Nonesuch's sexuality has to do with anything.
Our next guest is someone I didn't used to get along with back in the day, but nowadays I find myself agreeing with his calmly reasoned and down-to-earth political views...
And if you believe that, Starlord wants to take you camping, and he promises to stay out of your sleeping bag. Give it up for the Outhouse's own King of Television, Nightfly!
Nightfly: Hey hey, Monkey-Man I hear you're getting married? At first I couldn't believe it because on your best day, the Monkey-Man you most resemble is the one Fred Williamson kills in From Dusk Till Dawn. Not that you're not handsome... you're at least as handsome as Bingo, Bilbo, Bongo, er, what the fuck did Michael Jackson name his monkey? I forget. It must be the overwhelming stench of shit around here cloudin' my memory. Back in the day I wondered why this dump was called the Outhouse? I thought at first maybe it's cuz some unclean types read their comics while dumping turds... now I realize it's about something much much deeper than that for you. But I'll get into your love of shit later... back in the days when zoos were maintained there was a humorous expression to describe something preposterous, it went, "yeah when monkeys fly out of my ass!" Ass Monkeys. (hehe) Presumably covered in stinky shit...flying shit covered monkeys at that. Don't worry, when I think of shit covered flying monkeys it's never the Wizard of Oz I'm thinking about, I only ever connect that thought to you, pal. A couple times I wondered why you never changed the name of this place to, I dunno, something not so focused on fecal matter, but then I remembered how intensely monkeys LOVE shit. Any zoo goer knows the simian area smells like shit, and millions of gawking zoo patrons laugh as they watch monkeys study, fling, and apparently even eat their stinky shit too. Don't believe me? Watch this clip of your bruthah...
Wow, that really doesn't fucking look appetizing. Here's one of your thirsty brainac cousins enjoying a drink..
Anyways, BlueStreak told me this January the Outhouse scored 11 million unique page views! That's probably as many as watch a monkey play with their shit each day at some brokedown, poorly maintained zoo. Sorry to mention the zoo, I know that's a sensitive subject for your kind. At least zoos have been kinder to your people than the circus. A zoo will leave you alone to play with (or eat) your shit in peace - circuses expect you to perform and do tricks. Speaking of tricks, I can't decide which is more impressive being shot into space or figuring out how to rape a frog?
I know I'da heard if you'd been offworld so please just tell me your not a frog raper!?! Cuz that's messed up man, Michigan J. Frog don't deserve that shit. I imagine a King, or Lord, does need subjects to fuck since, you know, warm piles of shit and bananas don't pay "taxes."
No but seriously, legend has it that Hitler's favorite movie was King Kong, did you know that? It's true. But it in no way reflects on You or Your beliefs. Actually, back in the early thirties the Hollywood Production Code Administration decreed that all movie monsters must be destroyed by the end of every movie, regardless of their motives. So, you know, your boy never really stood a chance - at least it was Beauty that done him in, as opposed to say, bullets or a great fall, cuz that would've really sucked. But in all seriousness,...we know your motives are pure. You own a helluva cool site here and we're all mighty thankful you let us play in the shit alongside you. And don't let anyone ever tell you your people are dumb -- there's ubiquitous proof your kin can both signal right turns, and bang cymbals together in-time. And that ain't nothin. You also test drugs really well, and the uppity among you even do a fair job with sign language. I won't label you as "uppity", but you're definitely one of the smart ones. Good luck in your marriage, and may you and your bride have many monkey-lovin children at least as curious as George, Bush (you know which one).
Thanks a lot for real man, and whatever you do, don't feel obligated to chronicle anymore Lord Kong lore. We're good.
Erik: Thanks Nightfly, that was about as long winded as your last diatribe about Ryan Murphy. Back to Jude to introduce an extra special guest.
Jude: Our next guest had to ask special permission from the Mormon church to be able to participate tonight, but when they didn't get back to him in time, he said "Shucks! I reckon I'll just do it anyway!" Don't take any marriage advice from this guy though, or you end up with your wife in an Optimus Prime mask while you have intercourse through a hole in the linens.
Erik: Well wasn't Optimus Prime an ape at one point? Here's another poster who contributes a lot to the site, and is probably waiting to swoop in should Rob choose to sell the site, SuperginraiX
SuperginraiX: Congratulations to Lord Simian and his beautiful bride on their nuptials! This isn't the first time an ape and a human have found love together. King Kong and Ann Darrow. Donkey Kong and Pauline. Grape Ape and Daphne (It was an off camera romance that ended in tears for all involved). The point is it's sick and wrong and you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. I don't know what's more surprising. That this girl's marrying someone who fancies himself the Lord of the Monkeys or that she's marrying someone who reads comics. Really, the two are kind of a double whammy that should keep any woman well away. Still, Simian found his sweetheart, either through carefully laid traps or... well, it had to be carefully laid traps. We should be calling the police right now because she's obviously been cajoled into this. Hell, she might be straight out of some mental institution except that would be placing the blame on HER and since we're already dealing with a comic book fan calling himself the Lord of the Monkeys, I think there's enough crazy already involved. All I'm saying, Simian, is that we're on to you and you'll never get away with this.
I hope you have a happy honeymoon.
Erik: Thanks Super! In all honesty Rob may want to listen to Super's advice mainly cause I think he's one of the few people on this site who has probably actually been with a real live woman. Now back to Jude's trend of only letting me introduce people i don't know, here's Deadfett.
Deadfett: When I first heard Rob was getting married again I was surprised. I mean, how many mail order brides accept bananas as payment? Then I realized, when a fattie like Jude is the pimp, food is the preferred payment method. I can only hope that Rob tried the milk before buying the cow. So, congrats the new Mr. and Mrs. Lord Simian, best of luck in your new life together.
Jude: We got those last two late, so we had to really squeeze them in to get them to fit there, which isn't a problem Rob will be having tonight, if you know what I mean. No? I mean he has a small penis.
Next up, we've got one of the nicest guys on the Outhouse... if by nicest you mean one of the biggest assholes. It's Peter David's biological son, Yoni!
guitarsmashley: Marriage is a difficult thing, yet somehow many of us at the outhouse find ourselves in the eternal bondage of wedded horror. Look at me I just celebrated my 5 year wedding anniversary and the only way I could be happier is if I were Jude lying naked on a pile of heroin filled chochodiles. It takes a lot to make a marriage work none, of which Simian would know since this is his second. But things do work out. Just last week, Scoot grew a pussy and I hear starlord is already set to explore his new hole and the old ones.
But enough about those horrible people. Simian is getting married and it's amazing that any of us get married - really, who wants us? We're ugly, we smell bad... some of us even have strange habits like jizzing on t-shirts and mailing them to others. But this is not about Psivage and his care packages to Amy. I hope simian has a very long and beautiful marriage and ends up with a few bonobos running around, destroying his comic books and costumes. Congrats on the wedding, and I hope you never have to go through it again, what with being a cheap jew and all. No one wants to pay for that.
Erik: Thanks Yoni, if anyone can give marriage advice to Simian its you. Looking at who's next, I'm kind of offended again. Obviously Jude thinks I'm only capable of introducing random people and gay guys. Next we have The Outhouse's other token gay, Timberoo.
Timberoo: I'd like to thank Jorge Garcia for hosting tonight's roast.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the posts of Lord Simian at The Outhouse, we know this is not true.
Lord Simian has finally found that special girl he wants to hurl feces at for the rest of his life.
Jude: Thanks Tim. I'd just like you to know you're my sixth or seventh favorite gay poster on the Outhouse. Right behind our next guest, actually. Not literally behind him, don't get excited.
Besides his small penis, lack of intelligence, and lifelong failure, our next guest is known for being a relentless ballbuster who complains about everything possible, which I'm absolutely certain has nothing to do with a huge void in his pathetic, lonely personal life. It's Benderbrau!
Benderbrau: Good afternoon losers. For those of you who don't know me I'm Benderbrau although everyone just calls me Bender. I like to think it's out of some loving familiarity we all share but in reality I think it's mostly because you're all just too fucking lazy to type four extra characters.
Now like most of you I met Lord "Rob" Simian when I first came to the Outhouse. And like most of you I thought this was Jude's website and that Nieto was a buzzkill. Well at least I had one thing right.
Rob likes to think of himself as a monkey and most people would find it ridiculous that a grown man would like to be seen as a primitive animal with low intelligence. But then again most people don't know Rob. How else do you explain his decision to buy a website from a midget fucking drunk and then entrust it to a recovering addict, a homosexual, a foreigner and a lawyer? Rob your decisions are a bigger disaster then Japan.
And speaking of the Outhouse staff most people may not know this but Hawk was the original owner of the Outhouse before Jude...I mean Rob. Hawk makes me smile because I always know I'm going to outlive him. And speaking of Jude, Jude's done so many drugs that when he dies Amy's planning on having his body preserved and sold to Columbia. Nieto, who ever told you to be yourself couldn't possibly have given you worse advice. And Starlord. Starlord's ass is like a limousine. It can fit ten, has a leather interior and a lot of miles on it. And Mr. Black. Mr. Black is a lawyer. 'nuff said. As for everyone else at the Outhouse? Well if assholes could fly this place would be a fucking airport.
And last but not least Rob's fiancée Annie. Dear Annie. Sweet, sweet Annie. Annie we've never met before but I'm sure Rob tells you all the time how much he loves you. That's sweet. It really is. But personally I think if he really loved you he'd have let you marry someone else.
Well hopefully this has been the most uncomfortable two minutes of Rob's life courtesy of yours truly. The most uncomfortable two minutes of Annie's life will be her wedding night courtesy of Rob.
Erik: If anyone would know about uncomfortable it would be anyone who's ever read a thread by Bender.
Jude: Speaking of uncomfortable, Erik and I were a little nervous about our next guest, because we weren't sure we wanted his kind around. They're lazy, they're rowdy, and frankly, they're downright dangerous. But then I figured, we've already let Stephen Day in the roast, so I guess Canadians are alright after all. It's the blackest wigger I've ever met, Keb!
Keb: I've never been quite sure why Rob and I are friends. I don't like monkeys, and he has a strange obsession with uniting all species of simian and destroying mankind. We also share the same taste in just about nothing. Although he does have many qualities such as an excellent mind for trivial facts. One time, I posted a picture of my dog sleeping in his bed. Rob proceeded to tell me the make and model of the dog's bed, the regular price and how much I paid for it. Strange that anyone would know these things (I'm kidding, Rob is/was a manager at a Petsmart chain). Anyways, congratulations on tying the knot MaxPower. Thank you for opening up your life to us at the Outhouse and for letting me write a short film script about your crazy ex-wife. Cheers!
Erik: Thanks for that Greg, I mean Keb.
Jude: For our final guest, we wanted to invite the person who singlehandedly ensured the success of the Outhouse by setting in motion something that changed the path of comic book websites forever! We asked her but, DoubleHelix was busy tonight. So...
Erik: There really isn't much I can say about him, except that three fourths of the time I have no clue what he's saying. Everyone, the Outhouse's former owner, John Lewis Hawk!
John Lewis Hawk: Fuck Simian. Fuck the guy who fucks monkeys and is probably going to have his wife dressed as King Kong while she's sticking Faye Dunaway dolls up his ass. You know how there was some dumbass who fucked a monkey and gave the world AIDs? That's Simian, and what he did to The Outhouse. I only gave it herpes, but the site knew what was going to happen.
Seriously, I do believe that The Outhouse is in capable hands... Jude's as Simian is a lazy fucker who knows nothing about the technical side of running a web site and simply delegates work to peons...
After some thought, I do believe that is the legacy of The Outhouse.
Jude: Well, I wish we could have gone longer, but that's all we've got for tonight. That's a phrase Annie's gonna be hearing a lot in the future.
Erik: Hopefully this marriage will last longer then the majority of marriages. I give it 2 years tops.
Jude: In all seriousness, we do want to wish Rob the best in his future life with Annie. It's about time our glorious leader settled down and had found happiness in life, and I'm not just saying that to kiss his ass, because let's face it, it'll probably be three weeks before he logs and reads this.
On the other hand, Annie may get a chance to read it tonight, as she lies awake in bed unsatisfied after Rob cries himself to sleep.
Erik: There's not much to say that others haven't. I just hope he treats Annie differently then he treats us at the Outhouse. Its really hard to have a marriage when one person is never there.
Jude: Seriously boss, we wish you the best, and we hope you enjoyed our good natured-ribbing. In other words, don't fire me.
Erik: I just wanna say to Rob and Annie, that I wish them many happy years together. Rob's a good guy, and anyone who could put up with him is good people. Congratulations and best wishes. And enjoy the honeymoon.
Jude: I am looking forward to our guest of honor arriving here and sharing his thoughts on all of us, hopefully after a long and active honeymoon. Until then though, if you didn't get a chance to participate in the article, let's fill up this thread with more tributes to the Lord of the Monkeys!
Erik: Jude and I thought this up late last night, so not a lot of posters we're able to be involved, so anyone who wants to please put your two cents into the comments. Thanks to everyone who already contributed to Jude and I's last minute attempt to honor Lord Simian. And thank you Rob for all you do (or don't do) for the Outhouse.
Written or Contributed by: Jude Terror
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