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Game of Thrones- The House of Black and White

Written by Dr. Improbable on Monday, April 20 2015 and posted in Features

Game of Thrones- The House of Black and White

Drogon stops by for 9 seconds on screen; the show uses 15% of its CGI budget

Source: Game of Thrones

Well everyone, another Sunday is here and you know what that means- Four quarterfinal playoff games to watch! Oh, um, wrong crowd. Anyway, no, it’s time for Sunday Night Television ™ and more specifically Game of Thrones! What terrible things are going to happen to us today? Let’s find out!

Arya arrives in Braavos ‘twixt the legs of the great colossus (+1 gold on water tiles, free cargo ship). She tries to gain entrance to the House of Black and White with the coin Jaqen H’agar gave her, but is turned away by the severe-looking doorman. She recites her target list, grows fed up, tosses her coin in the ocean, and leaves the House.

Because I guess what else are we gonna do this season with them, Brienne and Podrick run into Sansa and Littlefinger at an inn. Pod’s busy trying to check out the serving girl, but Brienne runs over to talk to Sansa. She tells her that she had sworn to Catelyn to protect her daughters and insists that she will defend Sansa’s life. But everyone’s least favourite Stark girl (let’s be honest) is wary of strangers and shoos Brienne away, especially after Littlefinger lays waste to Brienne’s record of “guarding” people. Petyr does invite her to journey with them despite Sansa’s wariness, but Brienne declines in the most abrasive manner possible. Littlefinger’s guards come after her and Pod, and though he almost gets himself killed via being kind of a bumbling idiot, she ultimately saves his life.

Cercei receives a threat against Myrcella/tasteful snake totem. Jaime promises to go fetch her from Dorne.

Ohh! Bronn! Remember him? He’s hanging out with Lollys Stokeworth, his betrothed after his great contributions to the Battle of Blackwater. Lollys is… not super bright. Or pretty. Or even nice. (Though I guess at least she wasn't the victim of a horrible gang rape/resulting pregnancy in the show.) Anyway, Jaime recruits him to go south. In exchange Lollys will marry William Bracken and Bronn will get someone better (read: hotter, possibly containing at least 23% more sass).

Speaking of someone hotter and sassier, Elliara wants vengeance for Oberyn and goes to his brother, Prince Doran to demand it. Doran is ill and wheelchair-bound, and obviously not as fiery of temper as his brother. And guess which one of them is still alive? Anyway, he refuses to hurt Myrcella because she’s innocent.

Over in Meereen, Daario is helping the Unsullied find some Sons of the Hapry and teaches them a thing or two about fear and hiding. They capture one of the assassins. Daenerys’ council debates what to do re: killing the Sons of the Harpy. Daenerys obviously wants to execute this guy, but feels that it would not show proper justice. Everyone kind of wants him dead though, because law and order and reason haven’t caught on big in this world yet. Barristan is the only one who recommends caution and mercy, citing the way her father’s life choices ultimately panned out.

Tyrion and Varys still travelling to Meereen via Volantis. Tyrion continues to lament the futility of existence whilst Varys waxes poetic about the nature of being a freak in a box. It’s all terribly maudlin.

Cercei receives a dwarf’s head. Christmas come early! Except it’s not Tyrion’s. In between committing little person genocide, she tries to stack Tommen’s council with sycophants (good word Uncle Kevan!). She appeases Lord Tyrell by making him master of coin, though pisses off Pycell by appointing Qyburn to Master of Whispers. Ser Kevan calls her out on her shenanigans and heads back to Casterly Rock until Tommen himself starts ruling, or at least showing up to the meetings.

Up at the wall, Shireen is teaching Gilly to read whilst Sam researches those who have served the post of Commander of the Wall. Gilly tells them of how two of her sisters died of greyscale/Craster murdering them. Stannis’s wife comes in and yells at Shireen for being friends with Gilly. Stannis talks to Jon, pointing out that Ser Allister will become Lord Commander and probably make his life hell. Jon acknowledges this fact, and manages to barely bat an eye when Stannis offers to raise him up as Lord Jon Stark, master of Winterfell. It’s all the poor bastard’s ever wanted, but something of Ned wore off on him, and he decides to refuse the Lordship since he’s already made a vow to the Night’s Watch. And we all know that emulating Ned Stark works out well for people.

Presently, the one example of democracy in this world is happening! The elections for Lord Commander #998 are under way. Allister Thorne is nominated, followed by Ser Mallister, who is like the second-oldest dude around after Maester Aemon. Before the voting can get underway, Sam speaks up and nominates Jon Snow! Surprise! One of GoT’s patented Palpably Tense Scenes ™ shows the voting. In the end, Thorne and Jon are tied –until Aemon casts his vote, for Jon.

Arya is wandering the streets of Braavos, killing pigeons and starting fights with rude teenaged boys. The guard from the House of Black and White follows her, scaring off the ruffians. She follows him back to the clubhouse, where he changes his face to reveal that he was once a person called Jaqen H’agar. She is allowed to enter the House.

Daenerys’ ex-slave advisor (whose name I never figured out and am not bothering to look up) takes justice into his own hands and executes the Harpy they found. Daenerys feels her hands are forced when she discovers this, and has Daario execute him in public to show what true justice is, even though her people all beg for mercy for him. This man’s execution leads to fighting in the streets between the ex-slaves and ex-masters, and all the slaves who had once called her Mhysa turn on her violently. That night, she sends her guards away and heads out to the balcony to overlook her city. Drogon stops by to smell her fingers, and then peaces out. 

Another episode down. Stay tuned for scenes from the next Westeros Shitshow ™ 


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About the Author - DrImprobable

Before you ask, no, Dr. Improbable is not that kind of doctor, and will not be diagnosing your genital warts today. Seriously, put it away. The doc does more of the "mad science" brand of doctoring, though one day hopes to be that "time and space traveling" kind of doctor. In the meantime, Doc passes time cloning things, memorizing acronyms, and using large magnets. When not plotting all the terrible ways to destroy the human race (particularly those found on public transportation), the doc kills time by watching television and making sarcastic commentary on it.


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