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Game of Thrones- Sons of the Harpy

Written by Dr. Improbable on Monday, May 04 2015 and posted in Features

Game of Thrones- Sons of the Harpy

Stannis the Mannis


Source: Game of Thrones

I feel like a filthy commoner, having my heart broken the way common non-readers did during the red wedding and the death of Oberyn Martel. Where is my superiority? Where is my comfort in getting attached to characters? Who is crueller: GRRM? Or Benioff and Weiss?  Ugh. Let’s get on with it, shall we?

Jorah steals a boat to compliment his stolen Tyrion. Technically he pays the boat’s owner, but I don’t think that’s much relief after getting punched in the face. (I’d make a very topical Mayweather joke here, but I don’t actually care about boxing.)

Jaime and Bronn are sneaking into Dorne on a merchant vessel. Bronn tells Jaime the Dornish are crazy, wanting nothing else than to fuck and fight all day, and asks why the hell Jaime is the one who needs to go on this journey. The answer is totally “Guilt for letting Tyrion kill Tywin,” not “Because he’s in love with his sister and has to prove to her he's still a man after losing his hand.” We swear.

Cercei is with the small council. She sends Mace Tyrell on a trip to Braavos to talk to the Iron Bank about refinancing their loans. She practically chases him out of their chambers, sending Ser Meryn off with him. She then turns around and gives the High Sparrow his very own army to do the works of the Seven, which is apparently to arrest/execute all the prostitutes in King’s Landing and dump out all their beer. Which is stupid, everyone drank beer in the Middle Ages because the water was not sanitary, not because they loved getting crunk, although probably yeah that, too. Since homosexuality is the greatest perversion of all, Loras Tyrell is thrown in the dungeons. Noooo! Not Loras, he’s too fabulous! His curls will lose their bounce!

Margery comes to Tommen and uses all available feminine wiles to get him to release Loras. Bless his naïve little heart, he talks to Cercei, who sends him to the High Sparrow to be all kingly. The Faith Militant refuse to let him speak to the praying Sparrow without violence and bloodshed, which makes Tommen feel icky. He reports his failure to Margery, who gets huffy and goes off to be with the rest of her family. Poor Tommen, he’s like a mouse being batted about by two cats before they devour him.

Up at the Wall, Selyse apologises to her husband for giving him a deformed girl child instead of a strong penis-wielding prince. Mellisandre overhears and is all, “Naw beesch, Shireen’s got the blood of The One True King in her veins, she’s hella good.” Yeah, you know what? Shireen’s awesome, don’t be a bitch Selyse. She taught Davos to read and is friends with Gilly! At the same time, Jon is agnoising over the need for more men, and writing letters to the lords in the north asking them to send people up. Sam unfortunately reminds him that Roose Bolton is warden of the north and he’s going to have to suck it up and ask for help from him. Mellisandre interrupts, sending Sam away. She yaks something or other at Jon about bravery and faith and whatever, boobies! Why is Mellisandre so into Jon? Who knows. He refuses to put out for her because he's still in love with Ygritte, and as she leaves she says to him, “You know nothing Jon Snow.” Well, duh, he probably should get that embroidered on a throw.

Stannis the Mannis has a heart-to-heart with his daughter, telling her about how when she was sick with greyscale as a baby, everyone told him to send her off to die with the stone men (others who die the slow, paralysing death from the disease) but Stannis was all, “Naw, this my daughter she’s good.” Shireen gives him a big hug. STANNIS FOR KING 2015!

Sansa is in the crypts of Winterfell, lighting candles for her dead relatives. Petyr reminds her of the story of Lyanna (Ned’s sister) and Rhaegar (former prince of Westeros, married to Elia Martel). Rhaegar won a tournament and gave Lyanna a crown of winter roses (instead of, you know, his wife) and that started some resentment among the people. Also later he kidnapped and raped her, allegedly until she died and Ned had to go avenge it all (this was toward the end of the wars that brought Robert Baratheon to power.) Anyway, after that little sidebar, Petyr tells Sansa he must away to King’s Landing at the behest of Cercei. He advises Sansa to either lay low until Stannis sweeps through and frees Winterfell, making her Wardeness of the North; or else loses the battle, at which point she can use her sexy bits to manoeuvre Ramsey Bolton under her thumb. Littlefinger is so creepy.

Bronn and Jaime, super best friends, make it to shore only to run across some Dornish border guards immediately. They fight them, Jaime luckily not dying because he tries to block a blow with his hand, causing his enemy’s sword to get stuck in it. The over/under on Bronn getting tired of Jaime’s shit and killing him is five days.

Meanwhile, the Sand Snakes (Eliara and Oberyn’s illegitimate daughters) have found the ship’s captain and extracted information from him. Eliara is pissed at Prince Doran for not avenging his brother’s death. They want revenge on the Lannisters, and decide the best way to do this is by using Jaime and Myrcella as collateral. They are straight ruthless bi-otches, and I fucking love them for it.

On their little boat for two, Tyrion uses his powers of brain and irritation to wear down Jorah. He works out who Jorah is using his knowledge, and tries to point out that he and the disgraced knight are on the same side. Jorah continues to be rather taciturn, and Tyrion takes his musings too far and gets hit for the trouble. Well at least he found a way to sleep without wine.

Ser Barristan tells Daenerys some stories about the nice things her brother Rhaegar used to do. He’s such a kindly old gent! Hizdar zo Loraq comes to once again plead the case for re-opening the fighting pits. Dany continues to not relent. In retaliation, the Sons of the Harpy go bonkers, killing a whole slew of Unsullied and starting a mass riot in the city. As the chaos continues, Grey Worm is left alone to fight a dozen men; he is stabbed but continues to fight. Barristan comes in on relief for Grey Worm, and though they slay all the Harpies, they FUCKING DIE IN THE PROCESS. THAT’S RIGHT PEOPLE, THEY’RE DEAD NOW. What in the holy fucking hell is that?

Let’s play a quick game of wait but it’s not like that in the books. A) It’s Margery, not Loras, that Cercei has arrested by the Faith Militant.  I have a feeling that the result is going to be the same though. B) Jaime doesn’t sneak into Dorne to fetch Myrcella, and Bronn certainly isn’t palling around with him. Bronn makes everything better though so I’m okay with that. C) Stannis is planning to march on Winterfell, but Sansa isn’t there. She isn’t doing anything but hiding in the books really. D) GREY WORM AND BARRISTAN ARE STILL ALIVE. Thinking about it, they really aren’t that important to the story but… but… Barristan is a kindly old grandfather to Daenerys, and Grey Worm and Missandei have a thing (even if it may be a little hard to act on…) and they’re both just Good Dudes and why? Why?

I’m going to go sulk in a corner until next week, hoping only that Blackhawks can to buoy my mood a bit.





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About the Author - DrImprobable


Before you ask, no, Dr. Improbable is not that kind of doctor, and will not be diagnosing your genital warts today. Seriously, put it away. The doc does more of the "mad science" brand of doctoring, though one day hopes to be that "time and space traveling" kind of doctor. In the meantime, Doc passes time cloning things, memorizing acronyms, and using large magnets. When not plotting all the terrible ways to destroy the human race (particularly those found on public transportation), the doc kills time by watching television and making sarcastic commentary on it.

 


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