Friday, April 20, 2018 • Evening Edition • "Manufacturing outrage since 2006."

Game of Thrones- The Gift

Written by Dr. Improbable on Monday, May 25 2015 and posted in Features

Game of Thrones- The Gift

In which everyone tells everyone else to fuck right off


Source: Game of Thrones

Well, last week's episode was deeply traumatic, in a variety of different ways. I don't really even know how to feel about the whole Sansa's Rape thing at this point –I can see points to both sides of the argument –but can we step back from the serious modern day cultural issues for a hot second and talk about how terrible that scene in Dorne was? Two different groups of people sneaking into the gardens to kidnap Myrcella? What is this, The Big Bang Theory? I signed up for good writing and (suspended dis)believable plot, not some CBS-sitcom level shenanigans. Whatever. Let's get into what's up on Game of Thrones this week.

To the dismay of many of the Night's Watch, Jon gears up for his trip to shuttle the Wildlings south of the wall. Only Sam is very encouraging, although since his "encouragement" is giving a dragonglass blade to Jon to fight off White Walkers I guess we may have to adjust our definition of "encouragement" a bit. Meanwhile, Maester Aemon is very ill. He plays with Gilly's son, Little Sam, and tells them all to flee far, far south.

Sansa is being kept prisoner by Ramsey. It's exactly as terrible as it seems like it would be. She tells Theon to light the candle in the high tower. When he insists he is but a simple Reek, she basically tells him to man the fuck up and help her out.

Before Jon can set out, Aemon dies. Sam delivers a nice eulogy for him, reminding us of his backstory for anyone who missed the past five and a half seasons.

Back at Winterfell, Sansa pokes a sleeping bear a bit, egging on Ramsey. She points out that he's still a bastard and his stepmother is pregnant, so his rule may be in question. He assures her he's not worried, and reveals the flayed body of the old woman who had told her how to get help. Reek sold her out. Gods almighty, in a world filled with terrible people, Ramsey is just the worst.

Weather update in the North: It is cold. Stannis is determined to march to Winterfell, though Davos advises him to turn back to Castle Black. We're past the "Winter is Coming" point of things and have pretty much reached, "Yup, winter is here, grab your cocoa and put your feet up by the fire, who knows how long this'll last." Stannis believes turning back will show he is weak and will lead to his defeat no matter what the weather is like when they return. He asks Mellisandre for advice, and she basically tells him that if he sacrifices Shireen he'll be good. He is very much not okay with that option, and tells her to fuck right off.

Up where it's even colder, two of the Brothers sexually harass Gilly a bit, because I guess just anyone who isn't a Stark is a rapist basically. Sam tries to stick up for her and gets beaten up because, duh. He refuses to stand down, though. Fortunately, Ghost comes to the rescue before he can get himself killed. Later, Gilly patches him up and then has sex with him, because that will definitely help his internal bleeding.

Since everyone's probably feeling pretty cold at this point, we head to warmer climes. Jorah is sold for a good (I think?) price to enter the fighting pits. Tyrion, through his wit (as per usual) gets himself sold along with Jorah.

Over in Meereen proper, Daario tells Dany to marry him instead of Hizdahq. She says she can't because this is a political move, and it politically makes no sense for her to marry Daario. He's kind of put out by that but his ego doesn't seem too bruised. His next piece of advice is for her to gather all the masters of the families together at the Great Games and slaughter them all.

Olenna has a disappointing talk with the High Sparrow about letting her grandchildren free. Unfortuantely Zealots aren't known for being very reasonable people. He insists that even the rich Tyrells will be treated like the common folk.

Tommen is worked up about Margery's kidnapping and his inability to do anything about it. Aw, it's okay Tommen, something about your mother drives all the powerful ruling men around her to be basically impotent. Cercei assures Tommen she'll help Margery. Ho-kay yeah sure.

Down in Dorne, Myrcella tells her "Uncle" Jaime to fuck off because you just like don't even know me, dad. Bronn, locked in a cell, sings "Dornishman's Wife" for a while. One of the Sand Snakes (I don't know which one is which) likes his voice and thus disrobes for him. Really she's trying to get his heart racing so it pumps the poison on her blade through his veins. She gives him the antidote to this Long Fairwell after he admits she's the most beautiful woman in the world. But, d'aww, she thinks he's pretty cute too.

Littlefinger comes to visit his ruined brothel. He and Olenna talk enigmatically about stuff. Olenna isn't a fan of him but is pretty sure he can help her get rid of the Sparrows and Cercei.

Back over to the East, where the slaveowner Yezzan encourages his fighters in a scene oddly reminiscent of Gladiator. (Disclaimer: fifteen years later that's still my favourite movie so everything kind of reminds me of Gladiator.) Also fashion update: Daenerys got a new dress and I quite like it. The cut is great on her and there's this metalwork that actually makes me think of antlers, like a stag, like... Baratheon? Okay, I'm reaching. Anyway, Hizdahq makes her go to some lowly fighting grounds before the Great Games. She stomachs the fight for a bit, but when he hears the fighters proclaiming for the queen, Jorah cuts in line and comes and knocks out all the other fighters. He removes his helmet and tells her he has a gift for her but Daenerys immediately tells him to fuck right off. Right on cue, Tyrion reveals himself as a Lannister and also Jorah's gift. This... this has not come to pass in the books and I don't know where they're going with this and whaaaaat?

Cercei visits Margery to gloat a little bit. Margery tells her to fuck right off. Cercei then speaks to the High Sparrow to learn about how the trials will go. They will be judged by seven septons and punished according to their sins. They may get an easier punishment if they repent before the trial. Also, unfortunately for her, Lancel ratted out Cercei's indiscretions, so the High Sparrow has her arrested, too. Whoopsie!

Well everything seems fairly bleak for most of the people we care about. This is to be expected. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to prep the AED for some playoff hockey tonight.




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About the Author - DrImprobable


Before you ask, no, Dr. Improbable is not that kind of doctor, and will not be diagnosing your genital warts today. Seriously, put it away. The doc does more of the "mad science" brand of doctoring, though one day hopes to be that "time and space traveling" kind of doctor. In the meantime, Doc passes time cloning things, memorizing acronyms, and using large magnets. When not plotting all the terrible ways to destroy the human race (particularly those found on public transportation), the doc kills time by watching television and making sarcastic commentary on it.

 


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