Wednesday, October 24, 2018 • Midnight Edition • "Magneto was right."

Game of Thrones- The Dance of Dragons

Written by Dr. Improbable on Monday, June 08 2015 and posted in Features

Game of Thrones- The Dance of Dragons

Stannis the Mann- Wait what are you doing Stannis?!


Source: Game of Thrones

Ugh. Not only is the SCF tied up, but also now I have to deal with this episode. Game of Thrones be like, "Fuck what you thought you knew."

We open in the north, outside Winterfell where Stannis and his men are camped out. Fire erupts suddenly throughout the camp; Ramsey and his small band of men have done the damage they meant to do. There's little shelter or food left, and a bunch of the horses are dead. Stannis shoots many meaningful glances at Mellisandre while Davos tries to talk to him.

Jon returns to Castle Black, wildlings in tow. He wishes he could have saved more; Sam points out that he should be grateful for those he did save. Jon points out that no one on the watch is too pleased he saved the wildlings, a point which Thorne drives home.

Stannis decides to send Davos to Castle Black to demand Jon send down his men to fight in the name of their true king. Davos is uneasy about leaving Stannis (read: leaving Stannis with only Mellisandre to advise him). Stannis tells Davos to promise Jon enough men to fill all 19 castles along the wall if he sends them down there now.

Davos comes by to say goodbye to Shireen. She's reading The Dance of Dragons, a part of the story where a Ser Balon Swann thinks that he can handle the dragons but gets burned to a crisp instead. An interesting story if you've read the books and realise those are two entirely different people. Davos thanks her for all her help teaching him to read and gives her a carved stag as a gift. He then reluctantly departs north for Witnerfell.

Down in Dorne, Jaime and Prince Doran chat about what's happening. Jaime explains he was to fetch Myrcella because of a threat they were sent (totally compliments of Elliara, though everyone is polite and pretends not to notice.) They agree that Myrcella will return to King's Landing but Trystane, her betrothed, will come with her and sit on the small council to learn how to rule. Elliara snaps at Doran for being spineless (heh heh, because he can't walk, get it?) and storms off. Trystane vows to spare Jaime, but Doran tells him he must decide what to do with Bronn, as he was the one who struck royalty. Bronn's punishment is to get laid out by one of the guards.

Arya is selling her shellfish by the seashore and rounds the corner on the Thin Man when Lord Tyrell conveniently shows up on the docks. (Is this what happens now that we're off from the books completely and the show writers are in charge? Fortunate happenstances all the time? Because I'm already very over it.) He's in town to talk to the Iron Bank (also known as Mycroft Holmes because there are like five British actors) about the throne's loans, and he's got Meryn Trant along with him. Trant is one of the men on Arya's list of people she wants dead. She follows them instead of taking out her mark.

She ends up following Trant all the way to a brothel, where he is trying to find a fresh-faced virgin girl to despoil, just to remind us that he's pretty skeevy. Arya watches him, and he sees her too, his men buying some oysters from her (they look like vaginas so they're good for sexytimes, right?) but she's shooed out by the brothel owner. When she returns to the house of Black and White, she tells Jaqen that the Thin Man wasn't hungry. He accepts this and tells her to get to her other work, but we all know Jaqen knows when Arya is lying so...yeah.

Back in Dorne, Elliara is forced to swear loyalty to Doran. This is her last chance or she'll be killed. She swings by afterward to try to talk to Jaime about Cercei. He pretends to be offended by her baseless accusation, but she tells him she doesn't really give a crap about who he loves –she and Oberyn got shit on, too, since she wasn't really royalty –and that a hundred years ago no one would think it was that weird because of the Targaryens. She also says she realises Myrcella had no part in Oberyn's death, so she wouldn't go for revenge that way.

Stannis comes by to talk to Shireen, who is still reading The Dance of Dragons. She tells him the gist of the story, which is that to Targaryen siblings, instead of becoming lovers like they all seemed to, instead got into a fight over who should rule. People started to pick sides and a war erupted. Stannis asks who she would pick and she says neither, as that's where all the conflict came from. He points out that it's not always so easy, you have to make decisions, even if they're very difficult, and during this scene I typed out the following words, which I think echo what happened in most of our brains:

DON'T DO IT

DON'T DO IT

PLEASE DON'T DO IT

NO STANNIS DON'T DO IT

NO STANNIS WHY DID YOU DO THAT

Yeah so Stannis burned Shireen as a sacrifice for the Lord of Light. He's not thrilled about it but once he makes up his mind he makes it up for good. Of course, this is 100% un-Stannis. In the books he wasn't even cool with killing Robert's bastards. Or Mance's baby. But no, fine, set adorable Shireen on fire. I hope Davos has some stern words for him upon his return.

In Meereen (oh god why does it rhyme with Shireen) the fights begin. They open with a large burly man vs a small but quick man. Daario tries to brag about how people always underestimated him because he was small and bet against him, only for him to win. He's busy preening when the big guy suddenly beheads the little one. Hizdar gloats a little bit. He then turns his attention to Tyrion, who says that he thinks there's enough violence in the world without adding to it for sport. Hizdaq says that violence and blood and murder are oft necessary for greatness; even Daenerys has shed blood, and what really makes her better than anyone else? Hizdar says you must do whatever it takes to hold onto your power, no matter the cost. Tyrion says Tywin would've liked him. Sick backhanded burn.

The next fight is between a group of people, including ...dun, dun, dun... Jorah! Dany hesitates to begin the fight, but she claps. The men all slaughter one another, and Jorah almost gets got, but ultimately comes out victorious. As Dany tries to decide what to do with him, he throws a spear at her. Well, not at her, but at the masked Son of the Harpy sneaking up behind her trying to kill her. Suddenly about half the crowd reveals themselves as Sons of the Harpy in disguise. Chaos ensues. Jorah comes to Dany's defence, and she takes his hand in forgiveness, which would almost be sweet if they weren't being murdered by people in gold masks. The few Unsullied, Daario, and Jorah manage to hold back the Harpies, but it's not enough for them to escape. They, along with Dany, Tyrion, and Missandei, stand surrounded by foes in the middle of the pits. All seems lost.

But no! Drogon ex machina to the rescue! Drogon swoops down from the sky, fries a bunch of the Harpies to a crisp, and bites off a few heads. When they try to fight him off by throwing spears in his side, Dany comes to help him. He allows her to pet him, then she hops on his back and they take flight, away from the battle, very politely leaving her friends still surrounded by Harpies. Good going!

So, well, that all just happened. At this point there's very little from the book left (I know I keep saying that but I'm just not over it yet.) Much of what remains is so far off the books anyway it doesn't matter anymore. This makes me sad, though soon the challenge of trying to talk to my roommate without using spoilers will be over. (Yesterday I tried to explain Catelyn's book resurrection to him and it was... confusing.) Not loving that they just axed Stannis's character. See if I declare for you now, buddy!

My predictions for next week's finale are that we spend a lot of time up north, with a visit at some point to King's Landing. I really hope that despite the show writers taking over we don't get too much of this convenience shit anymore. In the past few weeks we've had: Bronn/Jaime approaching Myrcella in the gardens exactly as the Sand Snakes do; the White Walkers showing up right as Jon convinces the wildilngs to come with him; and now Tyrell arriving whilst Arya is walking around. Even Drogon was sort of ex machina'd, but that kind of happens in the book too and you can argue Dany has some sort of link with her dragon babies, so I can let that one go.

Stay tuned just one more week for the drama of Westeros! Go Blackhawks! Stressbarf!




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About the Author - DrImprobable


Before you ask, no, Dr. Improbable is not that kind of doctor, and will not be diagnosing your genital warts today. Seriously, put it away. The doc does more of the "mad science" brand of doctoring, though one day hopes to be that "time and space traveling" kind of doctor. In the meantime, Doc passes time cloning things, memorizing acronyms, and using large magnets. When not plotting all the terrible ways to destroy the human race (particularly those found on public transportation), the doc kills time by watching television and making sarcastic commentary on it.

 


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