Last week on WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW: A show so inconsequential that nothing that happened on it was remotely referenced on this week's show. But, in the interest of keeping you up to date, here's the skinny: Cesaro and Sheamus defeated the New Day, Nia Jax beat up an audience member named Scarlett Bordeaux, Charlotte Flair defeated Bayley via shenanigans, Neville murdered TJ Perkins, Braun Strowman ate the soul of Seth Rollins, Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson reminded The Golden Truth they existed by beating them, Rich Swann won over Ariya Daivari and the main event was a WWE United States Championship Match in which Roman Reigns retains, beating Kevin Owens.
This week on WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW: "I am sick of all of you right now." - Stephanie McMahon, Commissioner of RAW.
Stephanie set the tone of the show right away by speaking for the audience and interrupting an admittedly very funny, but also very long discussion between WWE Universal Champion Kevin Owens, his best friend Chris Jericho and Raw General Manager Mick Foley, who was sporting a fresh new haircut directly from the 8th Grade Picture Day Collection!
Stephanie moved the proceedings along by announcing that Chris Jericho would face Roman Reigns for the US title and Kevin Owens had won this week's edition of "WWE®'s Everyone Gets A Talk Show" sweepstakes which meant two things: 1) Tonight's Main Event would feature a whole lotta talking, and 2) The Kevin Owens Show would debut tonight with special guest Angry Biker Dad GOLDBERG!
Also that Kevin Owens would have a match against Seth Rollins (who is contractually obligated to appear whenever there's an overly-long talking segment) and it would start RIGHT NOW!
1. Seth Rollins vs Kevin Owens
Rollins was declared the winner of this epic bout when good-guy Kevin Owens was trying to show him how the ring bell worked. Seth slipped and hit his head on the bell, so the referee awarded him the win. Owens was upset, but had a talk show to prepare for, so really he was happy to get all the sweaty wrestling out o the way early.
Up next, singles competition for two of WWE's biggest Tag Team Stars! Cesaro vs the guy from The Club who wears full-length pants, but not a coat.
2. Karl Anderson vs Cesaro
After checking some ID, the referee identified Cesaro's opponent as the "Karl Anderson" half of The Club and the match was underway. Cesaro's tag-team partner, Sheamus, decided that the match might be too entertaining for the audience to handle and graciously offered to provide ringside commentary for the bout.
Sheamus' attempts to distract from a fun wrestling match were pretty good, but not good enough for the translucent perfectionist irishman. So, he made his way to the ring to invoke the deadliest weapon in the professional wrestling arsenal: The distraction.
The move worked and Cesaro was defeated to the delight of that one guy in the upper bowl of the audience who was mumbling "Cesaro Section? More like Jerk Section, amirite?" to himself, hoping others would hear, laugh and high-five him.
They did not.
Up next, Braun Strowman continued his obsession with how long men can last with him. Previously, Strowman had bragged that no man could last 2 minutes with him. At ROADBLOCK: BLOCK ROCKING BEATS, Sami Zayn defied the odds and won(?) their match by lasting(?) 10 minutes.
So this week, Strowman demanded a match to see just how long each man could remain erect.
3. Last Man Standing Match: Braun Strowman vs Sami Zayn.
The match opened with Sami going right for it and working his wood on Strowman.
After a few blows, Strowman turned the tables on Sami, by grabbing his wood and jerking it, right out of his hands!
Sami quickly responded though by slamming Strowman against a huge, thick pole!
The two battled all over the area, hitting each other with numerous hard objects until Braun got bored and decided to end things, breaking Sami over his knee a la Batman Vs Bane and leaving him for dead.
Sami was quickly collected by the EMT's so that the show could continue. We assume that Braun was the winner of the match, since he lasted longest and turned Sami into a pile of warm, sticky, goo.
Up next, perpetual smile factory Titus O'Neil came down to the ring to talk to the New Day, who were already there talking about booty, or not being booty, or the benefits of booty, or something.
Titus, a big fan of the New Day wanted to know if they would be nice enough to let him join their organization. The New Day found this exceptionally hilarious, reminding him that their group had a "No Titus'" policy.
Confused, O'Neil then asked how that could be when they let comedian Christopher Titus in just las month.
In response, Xavier Woods played "WAHMP-WHOMP" sadly on his trombone and the two decided to have a match.
4. Xavier Woods vs Titus O'Neil
The match itself did not last long with Woods employing his special move, Extreme Charm, within the first few minutes. Melted by Wood's killer smile, Titus had no choice but to forfeit, and slowly moved to the back, wondering aloud if anyone knew where he parked his car.
5. Drew Gulak vs Cedric Alexander
Continuing RAW's creepiest storyline (non-Enzo division), Drew Gulak and Cedric Alexander had a match, which was all fine and dandy until Gulak used the term "Sweetcheeks" to describe Alexander's girlfriend, Alicia Fox. This brought friend and classmate of Gulak in his "How To Talk To Chicks In A Bar" Class, Tony Nese to the ring, who tried to talk to Alicia, causing not all, but a reasonable amount of hell to break loose.
The match ended with Nese and Gulak celebrating, and heading to the back to decide which fedoras to wear on the plane home.
6. United States Championship Match: Roman Reigns (c) vs Chris Jericho.
Up next, Roman Reigns trudged down to the ring, looking super disaffected and cool with his belt over his shoulder. Jericho soon joined him after sharing a moment with the WWE® Crash Cage Playset that he'll be locked in during the Universal Title match at the Royal Rumble.
The match began and both men brought their A-Game. Jericho has never held the US title and Roman Reigns is the coolest man on the planet, so neither man could afford to lose this match. It was a back and forth affair filled with twists, turns, chants, high and low impact moves that saw no quarter given and none asked.
Then Jericho remembered he is very, very old and needed a quick nap.
Reigns took advantage and quickly pinned him to retain the title.
7. TJ Perkins vs The Brian Kendrick.
Up next, in a match that the WWE has had on repeat since the summer, TJ Perkins took on Brian Kendrick. I'll just bullet point this for you since even if you've never watched wrestling in your life, there's a good chance you've seen this match.
- Kendrick is the man, who has possession of a plan.
- Perkins likes video games.
- Suplex, Kick, Punch, video game reference.
- Perkins was friends with Kendrick and once homeless.
- Elbow, Captain Hook, Reversal, Kendrick's last chance, yadda yadda.
- Perkins won the match by submission with the kneebar.
Good? Ok, Moving on... Oh jeez...
8. Rusev and Jinder Mahal vs Big Cass
Enzo Amore and Big Cass arrived for their match with Jinder Mahal and Rusev. Since Enzo was clearly (sigh) unable, to compete, Big Cass decided that he would take on their two opponents on his own in a... (oh come on) ...in a Handicap match.
Mercifully, this match was short as Rusev and Mahal beat up Cass for the win, thus bringing a happy ending to this match since before that very moment, no one in attendance could ever remember Jinder Mahal being on the winning side of a match.
9. No. 1 Contender Match: Bayley vs Nia Jax.
Next, Nia Jax and everyone's favourite person on the planet, Bayley, had a match to determine which one of them would face RAW Women's Champion Charlotte Flair at the Royal Rumble. The crowd was somewhat apprehensive as the match began. This was a match that had actual consequences after all. It furthered a story and developed characters and most people didn't know what to make of it as both women wrestled their butts off in the ring.
Finally, some sense of normalcy was returned to the arena, as Sasha Banks' appeared at the top of ramp, distracting Nia Jax so much that she exploded and Bayley was declared the winner.
As mentioned earlier in this report, the distraction is the deadliest move in wrestling and the crowd breathed a sign of relief to feel it's warming embrace once again.
In the happy afterglow of the match, the audience settled in. After all, it was time for the Main Event: The Kevin Owens show!
Co-Hosted by Best Friends Chris Jericho and the WWE Universal Champion Kevin Owens, the show opened with a brief news, traffic and weather package before the hosts got down to business.
Jericho announced that he would be in the Royal Rumble, with the intention of winning so that he could face his best friend, Kevin Owens, at Wrestlemania for the Universal Title. Then they could be Co-Champions together! His math seemed to line up, but unfortunately this enraged Goldberg and made him do this:
Goldberg, still yelling at nothing, then began to declare that everything was "next". Owens. Jericho. The Chairs. The belt. It was all next.
Suddenly, Paul Heyman appeared!
Heyman reminded us that his client, BROCK LESNAR, was pretty cool, and that Goldberg shouldn't be all the way he is because, Brock. Then, without warning and presumably lost while looking for the bathroom, Roman Reigns wandered onto the stage and interrupted Heyman.
Damn, he looks so cool...
Anyways, the excitement wasn't anywhere close to over as the appearance of all these men in the ring summoned the human sex machine BRAUN STROWMAN.
Before Braun could get into how long he could make each man last, Goldberg and Reigns did that one thing that they both do and spared us all the awkwardness of me having to come up with even more sexual metaphors for Braun Strowman moves.
To end the show, Goldberg, age 50, decided to flex to make all of us who are younger and flabbier than him question what we've done with our lives.
See you next time when the Undertaker and Shawn Michaels take centre stage, and no, that's not a joke about 50+ year old wrestlers. They will actually be there. Welcome to 2017!