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The Bottom Rope Report: Smackdown Live (01.03.17)

Written by Jeff Moss on Thursday, January 05 2017 and posted in Features

The Bottom Rope Report: Smackdown Live (01.03.17)

The first Smackdown Live of 2017 had it all! Verbal taekwondo! Legal documents! Treacherous Inter-dimensional Dopplegangers! And even some pretty decent wrestling!


Source: WWE

Last week on WWE Smackdown Live: Unlike the same week's Raw, things happened! American Alpha won the Tag Titles, John Cena made his return to WWE TV and The Miz ripped down the 4th wall and got a little too personal with Renee Young and Dean Ambrose.

This week on WWE Smackdown Live: The show opened with Miz and Maryse coming to the ring.

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Last week, or last year, or a couple weeks ago (who can keep track?) The Miz, during an interview segment with the lovely Renee Young, brought up her relationship with the unstable, lunatic Dean Ambrose. This resulted in Renee slapping Miz for being a dickbag in the first degree.

So, this week, Miz and Maryse demanded an apology from Renee for getting mad at Miz. This prompted the music of one Dean Ambrose to hit. Ambrose strode to the ring confidently, ready to avenge his lady love, but instead was on the receiving end of a Maryse five-finger special!

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A match was then scheduled for later in the night, Miz Vs Dean for the Intercontinental Championship!

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1. Baron Corbin Vs Dolph Ziggler

With all that out of the way, the first match of the evening took place: Baron Corbin Vs Dolph Ziggler in a Greasiest Hair Match! The two spent about 15 minutes trying to lock up, but every time they did, they just slipped off one another. Finally, Ziggler slipped in a puddle of hair grease and knocked himself out. Corbin took quick advantage and grabbed the pin.

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After the match, Corbin was intent on finishing Ziggler off with a conditioning rinse, but was interrupted by a wild Kalisto who had recently been reminded that he worked there. Corbin, terrified of smaller dudes the same way that an elephant is scared of a mouse, bailed leaving Kalisto to help up Dolph. In a surprising twist though, Ziggler superkicked Kalisto and yelled "I learned it from watching YOU, OK!?!" before tearfully running off.

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This cleared the ring for the entrance of former Smackdown Women's Champion and goggle enthusiast Beck Lynch!

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2. Becky Lynch Vs La Luchadora

Becky was set to take on the devastating and legendary masked wrestler, La Luchadora who totally wasn't Alexa Bliss in a costume! The match was going well when suddenly, magic entered the fray! Somehow an exact double of La Luchadora appeared through a seam in space-time and the two began attacking Becky!

La Luchadora of Earth-Prime missed a Twisted Bliss and Becky was able to put Luchadora-B in the DisArmHer for the win! Becky then made the ultimate disrespectful move and unmasked La Luchadora to reveal Alexa Bliss!

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You NEVER take a Luchador's mask, no matter what Earth you're on! Fortunately, an enraged La Luchadora-2 re-entered the ring and she and Bliss beat down Lynch and then left through the inter-dimensional rift she came through

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Up next, one of WWE Programming's favourite things: A CONTRACT SIGNING!

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Smackdown General Manager and contracted employee, Daniel Bryan brought two chairs, a table, a rug, John Cena and AJ Styles down to the ring to handle the tiny bit of insurance-related paperwork for their WWE Championship match at the Royal Rumble.

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"Why are we doing this?" - AJ Styles, WWE Champion

Styles complained that this could have been taken care of in the back, or even via Fedex through their Lawyers, and why does John Cena get to be off for four months and come back for a title match? That seems weird.

Styles called Cena a has-been, and said he'd never be as good as The Rock! That's when things got serious and Cena began emitting a high-pitched noise from his mouth, kinda like an "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeh" type sound.

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Cena then said Styles made the biggest mistake of his life: he pissed off John Cena. He then promised to refer to himself in the third person until John Cena beats Styles at the Rumble, because he's John Cena.

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At that point, for reasons no one could explain, Baron Corbin's music hit and he attempted to show off his sweet new wolf shirt from Northern Reflections. Even though he had not been formally invited, Corbin said he would be entering the Royal Rumble match, and he's winning it! This enraged Cena who took it out on the tables, chairs and rug in the ring.

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Backstage, exasperated stagehand Mel Schott threw his hands in the air, exclaiming "Why?! Why did they making me lug all the furniture out there?!? It was SO HEAVY!!"

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3. Carmella Vs Aliyah

The show moved along with two matches that happened so fast, most of the audience was pretty sure it was only one match. First, Carmella, accompanied by chinless man-candy James Ellsworth, beat up Local Talent (unless you've seen Breaking Ground. Then her name's Aliyah). Carmella got the submission win with the Code of Silence, which makes sense since that's one of her moves.

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4. American Alpha Vs Breezango

Part 2 of this flurry of matches was a non-title tag match. The current champs, American Alpha dispatched the "Fashion Police" quickly, hitting Grand Amplitude on Tyler Breeze, who you may remember from such other matches as... well, NXT? I Guess? Anyway, the match ended almost immediately.

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In a shocking twist however, former Tag Team Champions and Beard Oil spokespeople, The Wyatt Family (And Randy) appeared on the screen at the top of the ramp! Bray Wyatt told Jordan & Gable that nothing lasts forever, and they haven't really won anything just yet, in spite of the fact they were clearly holding the tag title belts that they had recently won. Wyatt (and Randy) said next week, they're going to reclaim what is rightfully theirs. Most assumed he meant American Alpha's matching singlets.

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Continuing the hot, wrestling action that had thus far set a great tone for the evening, Nikki Bella and Natalya hunkered down and traded vicious verbal barbs in the ring. it went something like this:

Nattie: Uh, Nikki, Your boyfriend got you everything and it sucks.

Nikki: Nah uh, Nattie?! Your, like, family? Got you everything?

Nattie: nah uh!

Nikki: Ya huh!?

Nattie: nah uh!

Nikki: Ya huh!?

Nattie: nah uh!

Nikki: Ya huh!?

...Then it was just... over....?

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5. WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: Dean Ambrose Vs The Miz (c)

Fortunately, before anyone thought too hard about the last segment, it was time for the main event! Dean Ambrose was looking to strip the IC title from the Miz to avenge the honour of his (apparently?) girlfriend Renee Young!

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At several points during the match, Ambrose tried to distract the Miz by unleashing his secret weapon: making crazy monkey faces at him!

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Finally, the Miz could take no more of Ambrose's mean monkey mugging and relented, allowing Dean to grab the pin, the title and Renee's dignity in one sweeping pinfall.

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Next week: John Cena takes on Baron Corbin once someone tells him who that is! Nikki and Nattie have another verbal sparring match and Daniel Bryan tries to get a jump on his taxes!




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About the Author - Jeff Moss


While most kids spend their days dreaming of being firemen or astronauts, Jeff Moss was firmly holed up in his room with a stack of comic books and wrestling magazines, shying away from natural light. Jeff works as an editor at Blind Ferret and manages the subscription box service, Comic Bento Jeff lives with his Transformers, girlfriend and daughter who both don't get wrestling. He attended Wrestlemania 18, just ask him. He'll tell you all about it.
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