Wednesday, May 23, 2018 • Midnight Edition • "But first you're gonna blow me!"

The Bottom Rope Report: Smackdown Live (01.03.17)

Written by Jeff Moss on Thursday, January 05 2017 and posted in Features

The Bottom Rope Report: Smackdown Live (01.03.17)

The first Smackdown Live of 2017 had it all! Verbal taekwondo! Legal documents! Treacherous Inter-dimensional Dopplegangers! And even some pretty decent wrestling!

Source: WWE

Last week on WWE Smackdown Live: Unlike the same week's Raw, things happened! American Alpha won the Tag Titles, John Cena made his return to WWE TV and The Miz ripped down the 4th wall and got a little too personal with Renee Young and Dean Ambrose.

This week on WWE Smackdown Live: The show opened with Miz and Maryse coming to the ring.

002 SD 01032017jg 0106--3951756879c60842a9a7ccef6374916b

Last week, or last year, or a couple weeks ago (who can keep track?) The Miz, during an interview segment with the lovely Renee Young, brought up her relationship with the unstable, lunatic Dean Ambrose. This resulted in Renee slapping Miz for being a dickbag in the first degree.

So, this week, Miz and Maryse demanded an apology from Renee for getting mad at Miz. This prompted the music of one Dean Ambrose to hit. Ambrose strode to the ring confidently, ready to avenge his lady love, but instead was on the receiving end of a Maryse five-finger special!

010 SD 01032017jg 0151--9a1a8d76e4032066eb1943464cf492a3

A match was then scheduled for later in the night, Miz Vs Dean for the Intercontinental Championship!

021 SD 01032017ej 0554--6c758ce058f30857f2eaf89382423715

1. Baron Corbin Vs Dolph Ziggler

With all that out of the way, the first match of the evening took place: Baron Corbin Vs Dolph Ziggler in a Greasiest Hair Match! The two spent about 15 minutes trying to lock up, but every time they did, they just slipped off one another. Finally, Ziggler slipped in a puddle of hair grease and knocked himself out. Corbin took quick advantage and grabbed the pin.

035 SD 01032017ej 0663--4db9a414c4b2583dc2daa1090fe5402e

After the match, Corbin was intent on finishing Ziggler off with a conditioning rinse, but was interrupted by a wild Kalisto who had recently been reminded that he worked there. Corbin, terrified of smaller dudes the same way that an elephant is scared of a mouse, bailed leaving Kalisto to help up Dolph. In a surprising twist though, Ziggler superkicked Kalisto and yelled "I learned it from watching YOU, OK!?!" before tearfully running off.

039 SD 01032017ej 0709--8c11151dc8c589da63bd0289340db7c8

This cleared the ring for the entrance of former Smackdown Women's Champion and goggle enthusiast Beck Lynch!

044 SD 01032017ej 0973--db07fec6b414546f7760cdd0f8aff164

2. Becky Lynch Vs La Luchadora

Becky was set to take on the devastating and legendary masked wrestler, La Luchadora who totally wasn't Alexa Bliss in a costume! The match was going well when suddenly, magic entered the fray! Somehow an exact double of La Luchadora appeared through a seam in space-time and the two began attacking Becky!

La Luchadora of Earth-Prime missed a Twisted Bliss and Becky was able to put Luchadora-B in the DisArmHer for the win! Becky then made the ultimate disrespectful move and unmasked La Luchadora to reveal Alexa Bliss!

053 SD 01032017ej 0999--03a56758bfc00d6d2e148c7ba7e68713

You NEVER take a Luchador's mask, no matter what Earth you're on! Fortunately, an enraged La Luchadora-2 re-entered the ring and she and Bliss beat down Lynch and then left through the inter-dimensional rift she came through

056 SD 01032017jg 0288--e9e727433623c2e82be96f6d0f70293d

Up next, one of WWE Programming's favourite things: A CONTRACT SIGNING!

061 SD 01032017jg 0295--0048084bc7ee1b478088c44afb287d73

Smackdown General Manager and contracted employee, Daniel Bryan brought two chairs, a table, a rug, John Cena and AJ Styles down to the ring to handle the tiny bit of insurance-related paperwork for their WWE Championship match at the Royal Rumble.

062 SD 01032017jg 0297--ceefc8c7530c6224b7dafd92bc31532b

"Why are we doing this?" - AJ Styles, WWE Champion

Styles complained that this could have been taken care of in the back, or even via Fedex through their Lawyers, and why does John Cena get to be off for four months and come back for a title match? That seems weird.

Styles called Cena a has-been, and said he'd never be as good as The Rock! That's when things got serious and Cena began emitting a high-pitched noise from his mouth, kinda like an "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeh" type sound.

076 SD 01032017ej 1834--60beca27ceebe37590b777684f01a3ff

Cena then said Styles made the biggest mistake of his life: he pissed off John Cena. He then promised to refer to himself in the third person until John Cena beats Styles at the Rumble, because he's John Cena.

078 SD 01032017ej 1870--3b4d739dd578773dbaeca255dfc88967

At that point, for reasons no one could explain, Baron Corbin's music hit and he attempted to show off his sweet new wolf shirt from Northern Reflections. Even though he had not been formally invited, Corbin said he would be entering the Royal Rumble match, and he's winning it! This enraged Cena who took it out on the tables, chairs and rug in the ring.

080 SD 01032017ej 1895--02b50ceb17d4aa0691d37af177e477c9

Backstage, exasperated stagehand Mel Schott threw his hands in the air, exclaiming "Why?! Why did they making me lug all the furniture out there?!? It was SO HEAVY!!"

097 SD 01032017ej 2024--c15a16ac67ca015714f86214ee87775b

3. Carmella Vs Aliyah

The show moved along with two matches that happened so fast, most of the audience was pretty sure it was only one match. First, Carmella, accompanied by chinless man-candy James Ellsworth, beat up Local Talent (unless you've seen Breaking Ground. Then her name's Aliyah). Carmella got the submission win with the Code of Silence, which makes sense since that's one of her moves.

108 SD 01032017ej 2251--b54b57f6e1a60c2b5eb9cdb759207939

4. American Alpha Vs Breezango

Part 2 of this flurry of matches was a non-title tag match. The current champs, American Alpha dispatched the "Fashion Police" quickly, hitting Grand Amplitude on Tyler Breeze, who you may remember from such other matches as... well, NXT? I Guess? Anyway, the match ended almost immediately.

109 SD 01032017jg 0571--bb773b6e09ea7267da691406fc66f39c

In a shocking twist however, former Tag Team Champions and Beard Oil spokespeople, The Wyatt Family (And Randy) appeared on the screen at the top of the ramp! Bray Wyatt told Jordan & Gable that nothing lasts forever, and they haven't really won anything just yet, in spite of the fact they were clearly holding the tag title belts that they had recently won. Wyatt (and Randy) said next week, they're going to reclaim what is rightfully theirs. Most assumed he meant American Alpha's matching singlets.

114 SD 01032017jg 0591--430e9c3f9789706513dc00d3075738ba

Continuing the hot, wrestling action that had thus far set a great tone for the evening, Nikki Bella and Natalya hunkered down and traded vicious verbal barbs in the ring. it went something like this:

Nattie: Uh, Nikki, Your boyfriend got you everything and it sucks.

Nikki: Nah uh, Nattie?! Your, like, family? Got you everything?

Nattie: nah uh!

Nikki: Ya huh!?

Nattie: nah uh!

Nikki: Ya huh!?

Nattie: nah uh!

Nikki: Ya huh!?

...Then it was just... over....?

134 SD 01032017ej 3074--d22f5eede2260c57cf40738621166359

5. WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: Dean Ambrose Vs The Miz (c)

Fortunately, before anyone thought too hard about the last segment, it was time for the main event! Dean Ambrose was looking to strip the IC title from the Miz to avenge the honour of his (apparently?) girlfriend Renee Young!

136 SD 01032017jg 0743--c21a96fc3984e07f060ed50198f195d7

At several points during the match, Ambrose tried to distract the Miz by unleashing his secret weapon: making crazy monkey faces at him!

150 SD 01032017jg 0819--a49920fdc147ec32c357a19888691660

140 SD 01032017ej 3126--bc63a3767d48ce1b2962bd54b39a5886

130 SD 01032017ej 3046--11da212cf7c9299250fa0293ff155a9b

Finally, the Miz could take no more of Ambrose's mean monkey mugging and relented, allowing Dean to grab the pin, the title and Renee's dignity in one sweeping pinfall.

158 SD 01032017ls 2921--8021b6c4a736e6f63ab3a5f8745645eb

Next week: John Cena takes on Baron Corbin once someone tells him who that is! Nikki and Nattie have another verbal sparring match and Daniel Bryan tries to get a jump on his taxes!


Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

Comment without an Outhouse Account using Facebook

We get it. You don't feel like signing up for an Outhouse account, even though it's FREE and EASY! That's okay. You can comment with your Facebook account below and we'll take care of adding it to the stream above. But you really should consider getting a full Outhouse account, which will allow you to quote posts, choose an avatar and sig, and comment on our forums too. If that sounds good to you, sign up for an Outhouse account by clicking here.

Note: while you are welcome to speak your mind freely on any topic, we do ask that you keep discussion civil between each other. Nasty personal attacks against other commenters is strongly discouraged. Thanks!
Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

About the Author - Jeff Moss

While most kids spend their days dreaming of being firemen or astronauts, Jeff Moss was firmly holed up in his room with a stack of comic books and wrestling magazines, shying away from natural light. Jeff works as an editor at Blind Ferret and manages the subscription box service, Comic Bento Jeff lives with his Transformers, girlfriend and daughter who both don't get wrestling. He attended Wrestlemania 18, just ask him. He'll tell you all about it.
More articles from Jeff Moss

The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!