Last week on WWE Monday Night RAW: The Debut Episode of The Kevin Owens show, featuring Chris Jericho, Goldberg, Roman Reigns and Braun Strowman who ate a double spear after murdering Sami Zayn for relatively no reason. Titus O'Neil tried to join the New Day (who were dicks about it) and MICK FOLEY GOT A HAIRCUT!
This week on WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW: MICK FOLEY GOT ANOTHER HAIRCUT!
Anyway, the show began with something the audience was really looking forward to: PERFORMANCE REVIEWS!
Stephanie McMahon wanted to give Mick Foley his 2016 job review, but before she could get into it, she was interrupted by Seth Rollins. Seth, having heard an unnecessary conversation, felt the need to pick that moment to let everyone know that he plans to be in the Royal Rumble. Before the cheers could die down from that though, Braun Strowman entered the room, looking for Goldberg or Roman Reigns or JBL or something. So, Seth did everything he could to make the segment even worse, by attacking Strowman for absolutely no reason.
While the dust settled from that, Roman Reign's music hit in the area and he cooly made his way to the ring, all like "yeah, it's cool. I'm cool."
Reigns was scheduled to defend his coveted US Title in a handicap match against Universal Champion Kevin Owens and His Best Friend, Chris Jericho. As the match began though, they were joined by Braun Strowman who had gotten lost on his way to the concession stand for an iced tea.
Seth Rollins, not wanting to miss out on this amazing match, ran to the ring hoping there was still a good place to put his chair.
There was, much to Braun's dismay:
This heinous groinal assault brought Stephanie McMahon out form the back, music and all!
Stephanie threw out the Reigns/Jericho/Owens US title match, preferring to have it close the show instead as the main event. In it's place, she insisted that Seth Rollins and Braun Strowman duke it out for her amusement.
So, about forty-seven minutes into she show, we got our first official match of the night:
1. Braun Strowman vs. Seth Rollins
Strowman gained the upper hand early in the match when he attempted to split Seth in half, wishbone style.
When later asked what he would wish for, Strowman, horrified, said "You can't say! Then it won't come true!"
Back in the match, Seth decided to take his nickname, "Crossfit Jesus" just a little to seriously and climbed the ring post in an attempt to die for all mankind's sins.
He did and we were redeemed! Braun then claimed the body as his prize.
The match was awarded to Strowman via countout as he dragged Seth to the back to skin him, stuff him and mount him on the locker room wall.
2. Jack Galla-her vs. Drew Gulak
Next, a Cruiserweight division match, featuring Actual Ghost Jack Galla-her taking on Drew Gulak!
Whoops, wrong Drew. That's Drew Brees, Quarterback of the tremendously mediocre New Orleans Saints. He attended RAW with with his Offensive Line (pictured in front of him).
Ah, here we go. THAT's Drew Gulak.
Gulak and Galla-her went back and forth until Galla-her, utilizing his paranormal talents, decided to enter the Upside Down and leave Gulak in the dust. Not quite sure how to take that, the Ref awarded the match to Galla-her and then quickly laid down protection runes to keep him at bay.
After a brief commercial break and multiple show recaps, WWE Legend HBK, Shawn Michaels, The Heartbreak Kid, The Show-stopper, Mr. Wrestlemania, came to the ring!
Shawn was here for one very special reason. As the crowd chanted "one more match" and drank up every movement of this sight-for-sore-eyes veteran performer, Shawn went on to talk, at length, about the new movie he's in, a documentary about the band Bush called The Resurrection of Gavin Rossdale.
Oh, no, wait... that's much, much worse...
Anyway, just as he was getting to the (allegedly) good part, HBK was interrupted by Rusev, Jinder Mahal and Lana. In what was the only genuinely funny moment of the night, Rusev asked HBK to use CGI and put Lana in his movie, just like they did in that "really bad Star Wars movie."
Hearing something funny happening and wanting to make damn sure it didn't happen again, Enzo Amore and Big Cass appeared and, y'know said some stuff. I wasn't paying attention. I kinda glazed over to be honest.
Anyway, Cass challenged Rusev to a match and Rusev said "Naaaaaah." But, Jinder Mahal was there, so they figured he'd do.
3. Big Cass vs. Jinder Mahal
The match went as expected, with Big Cass Big Cassing all over Jinder while Enzo bounced, Lana remained pretty and everyone wondered why Rusev wasn't doing something else. Shawn took the opportunity to try and sell some movie tickets to ringside fans.
A return to the Crusierwieghts was next as human Dorothy The Dinosaur Lince Dorado took on angry Hobbit Neville.
4. Neville vs. Lince Dorado
Neville easily defeated Dorado by shifting Lince's mask slightly so he couldn't see. This enraged casual observer and Cruiserweight Champion Rich Swann who promised to get really mad and dance a lot in protest.
Since we're counting, the fifth match of the night featured the inverse of last week's match of the same players. This time though, it was Sheamus looking to avenge his tag team partner Cesaro's loss last week against Karl Anderson, by beating Anderson's partner, Luke Gallows. Sound complicated? It wasn't
5. Sheamus vs. Luke Gallows
The two big men hit each other a bunch of times as big men do. Up at the commentary table though, Sheamus' partner Cesaro, fresh from prom, had decided to sit in on commentary. Suddenly, he felt something scurrying around his feet. Reaching down he discovered Karl Anderson hiding under the table! Cesaro happily caught him like a Pokemon, and since he was able to wrangle him into a Karl Anderson Ball, he was able to keep him!
This distracted Gallows long enough for Sheamus to score the pin, setting up an inevitable Tag Team Championship match that The Club will lose.
Sheamus and Cesaro then high-elbowed, because they are cool, awesome bros like that.
Moving on, the second massive veteran return of the night: The Undertaker! But first, Mick Foley and Stephanie had to come to the ring and be dazzled by the bright lights.
The arena then went dark and the tolling of a familiar bell was heard as the Deadman appeared at the top of the ramp!
Thirty-six minutes later, The Undertaker made it to the ring.
Stephanie hastily woke up Mick, who had curled up like a cat in the centre of ring. Foley handed his old Foe a microphone. Undertaker raised it to his lips and spoke:
"I... answer to... no man. I go... where I... want, when... I want. I will.. win... the Royal... Rumble... and... return to... the... main... event... of Wres...tle...Man...ia."
Then he left, saluting the audience on his way out.
Up next was a tag match featuring the talented members of the Women's Division! In the last year, Women's Wrestling has really taken a step up, coming out of the limitations of the "Diva" era and showcasing a new, bold style of women's wrestling tha—
um... right. But the match! Yes, the match is where you really see these ladies show of their skills!
6. Nia Jax and Charlotte Flair vs. Bayley and Sasha Banks
(Sigh) Anyway, Charlotte and Nia won.
After that was over, In an attempt to make things right between them, The New Day came to the ring and invited Titus O'Neil out to talk about last week.
Titus asked for another chance to join the group and like the elitist, Mean Girls that they are, The New Day took the chance to point out Titus' failings and mock him for them. Titus, showing some sense of pride for the first time in years, took offence, leading to:
7. Kofi Kingston vs. Titus O'Neil
The match was fast paced and saw both men resulting to high-risk maneuvers to try and gain the upper hand. Back and fort it went until, as with all good wrestling matches, the bout was ultimately decided by skilled use of a trombone. New Day's Xavier woods looked up from his Nintendo DS long enough to hit Titus with the instrument. This allowed Kofi to score the pinfall and the New Day stood over the fallen Titus, being sure to rub salt in his wounds like the good guys they are.
Finally, with Braun Strowman properly distracted, skinning and preserving Seth Rollins in a horse trailer back stage, it was time for the main event.
8. WWE United States Championship Match: Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens vs. Roman Reigns (Take II)
Reigns, strode to the ring, even cooler than before.
The few hours in between matches had really done him some good and he was fresh, soaking wet and ready for the match. Owens and Jericho followed next, entering past the WWE® Crash Cage Playset that he'll be locked in during the Universal Title match at the Royal Rumble.
The match began very unexpectedly when Reigns revealed that he had developed the power of Levitation! He used his newfound Force magic to send Jericho spinning high into the air!
However, Reigns forgot that when using cartoon magic, what goes up, must come down and Jericho managed to land right on top him, successfully getting the pin!
Kevin Owens, who really didn't have to do anything after all, Celebrated with his Best Friend and new US Champion, Chris Jericho! The show ended on a classy, black and white freeze frame like a good 80's sitcom.
Next Week on WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW: Maybe something big will happen! It's possible... I mean Triple H will be home from the UK... and maybe D'lo Brown will come back?* Be here next week to find out!!