RAW began with a surprise appearance (and explosions!) from the man who is 97% pectoral, Brock Lesnar and his 3% counterpart, Paul Heyman. Heyman jawed about Goldberg getting F-5'ed last week and predicted the same for Wrestlemania. I too will go out on a limb and predict that Lesnar's signature move gets used at the event.
The scene then switched to backstage, where Stephanie McMahon and her punching bag Mick Foley appeared to be getting over their issues. Stephanie threw a literal monkey wrench into that though when she insisted that Foley fire someone that night to show he had was it takes to be a manager. Ah, middle management budgetary struggles. What would WWE be with out them?
Sasha Banks vs Dana Brooke
Predictably, SashaBanks got the pin on Dana with a rollup. After the Match, Dana got into an argument with Charlotte, presumably over Emmalina, her true best friend and the two punched each other until Charlotte left.
Kevin Owens then came to the ring for his match, but before it started called for a spotlight. After reciting 2/3rds of Linus' monologue from A Charlie Brown Christmas, He said he would beat his former Best Friend, Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania for his US title.
Chris Jericho/Sami Zayn vs Samoa Joe/Kevin Owens
The match was called in Jericho/Zayn's favour as a DQ when Owens and Samoa Joe wouldn't stop double teaming and beating up Sami Zayn. Yes, they were disqualified from a wrestling match for unfair wrestling.
No. 1 Contender Match for the Raw Tag Team Championship: Enzo Amore and Big Cass Vs Sheamus and Cesaro
This match also ended in a No Contest when The Club interfered. Having never seen wrestling before, The Club figured if there was no winner, there would be no #1 contender for their Tag Titles. About this, and a great many other things (Including Anderson's pants) they were wrong and Mick Foley made an official Tag Team Title Triple Threat Match featuring all three teams for Wrestlemania.
Roman Reigns vs Jinder Mahal
Not wanting to touch the burlap sack that was once Jinder Mahal, Reigns won via Superman Punch. Mahal had him on the ropes at one point though when Reigns was momentarily distracted by the Undertaker's Dong. Seriously.
After the match, Reigns called out the Undertaker but was instead met with a returning HBK, Shawn Michaels. Michaels warned Reigns not to underestimate the Undertaker and Reigns underblew him off because he's too undercool like that.
While Roman was practicing his scowl on the ramp, he was attacked by Braun Strowman, because Undertaker two weeks in a row is too much Undertaker, apparently.
The Big Show vs Titus O'Neil
These two "fought" but in reality, Big Show just chokeslammed Titus three times and then left. In a lot of ways I'm gonna miss Big Show...
Bayley vs Nia Jax
The match ended in a DQ when Jax refused to stop attacking Bayley, making this the second match of the night to be called due to too much wrestling. Nia's defence that she's not like most girls fell on deaf ears.
The Main Event of the evening was Stephanie McMahon and Mick Foley in the ring to determine who Foley was going to fire. Foley tried to fire The ring post, a potted plant and then settled on Stephanie, which brought out her husband and subordinate, Triple H.
H3 made fun of Foley and told him to get lost. Foley responded as most would; by pulling a dirty sock out of his pants and locking the Mandible Claw on H. Triple H did what he does best and kicked him in the nuts, then began a beatdown of Foley. This brought out a newly resurrected Seth Rollins on a crutch.
Rollins dropped the crutch, debuted a new t-shirt (now available at wweshop.com!) and hopped in the ring to brawl with Triple H. Triple H hit Seth's one weak spot, his knee with Seth's own crutch, "injuring" him again.
Over on Smackdown Live, the began with AJ Styles in the ring, running down the list of hoops he had to jump through to remain in the WWE Title picture, culminating in him losing his spot in the Main Event of Wrestlemania to Randy Orton. Styles, after making a good point frankly, then left and went to wait for Shane McMahon to arrive backstage.
Becky Lynch vs Natalya
Becky Lynch won the match via Dis-Arm-Her and afterwards, Carmella attacked both women, hoping to take them out of the running for the Wrestlemania "Everyone Vs Alexa" Women's Championship Match.
Miz and Maryse came to the ring for a Miz TV segment. They ran down John Cena and Nikki Bella who came out to respond. The four were joined by Daniel Bryan who made the Mixed Tag match between them all at Wrestlemania official and all four participants did a bang up job of pretending it was a surprise.
Mickie James vs Alexa Bliss
"Mickie James has pinned the Women's Champion!" -TM & C WWE. This non-title match ended with a Mick-Kick and stunned indifference from the audience.
Back stage, AJ Styles waited for Shane to arrive. One has to ask why the Commissioner of the show was getting there so late, but that's not important, I guess. Maybe he was getting wings? Who knows. Styles attacked Shane and put him through a car window. Shane was injured and Daniel Bryan "fired" Styles, having him escorted out of the building by guys who were absolutely security and not indie wrestlers trying to sneak into the show.
Mojo Rawley vs Dolph Ziggler
Mojo was declared the winner by countout when Ziggler (like the audience) decided he'd had enough and walked out on the match. No one noticed.
Randy Orton then came to the ring to talk about his former "Master" Bray Wyatt. He was interrupted by Wyatt himself appearing on the video screen.
Wyatt then "baptized himself in Sister Abigail's ashes" which is not the masturbation metaphor you might think it is. To everyone's amazement, he literally rubbed dirt all over himself while Randy, The Crowd and the audience at home watched in awkward horror.
The Usos vs American Alpha
"The Usos have pinned the Tag Team Champions!" -TM & C WWE The alleged main event for the evening was a non-title match between the Usos and American Alpha. The Usos won, but not even American Alpha could be bothered to care much. Their celebration was cut short when an injured Shane McMahon wandered out and challenged AJ Styles to a match at Wrestlemania.
Shane was then bowled over by the crew running out to tape the ropes purple to signal the start of 205 Live. Shane then challenged them all to Wrestlemania matches as well.