Thursday, January 17, 2019 • Morning Edition • "At least we're not ComicsAlliance!"

The Road To Wrestlemania: New Shirts, Old Stories

Written by Jeff Moss on Thursday, March 16 2017 and posted in Features

The Road To Wrestlemania: New Shirts, Old Stories

Find out what happened as Raw and Smackdown Live took the first exit on the road to Wrestlemania and found themselves in a cornfield with no GPS.

Source: WWE

RAW logo

001 RAW 03132017cm 0019--d2d0cda3f99904bbfd41411636249b5c

RAW began with a surprise appearance (and explosions!) from the man who is 97% pectoral, Brock Lesnar and his 3% counterpart, Paul Heyman. Heyman jawed about Goldberg getting F-5'ed last week and predicted the same for Wrestlemania. I too will go out on a limb and predict that Lesnar's signature move gets used at the event.

004 RAW 03132017ej 0099--ab76cb3e63737095d09dff3e73d8145f

The scene then switched to backstage, where Stephanie McMahon and her punching bag Mick Foley appeared to be getting over their issues. Stephanie threw a literal monkey wrench into that though when she insisted that Foley fire someone that night to show he had was it takes to be a manager. Ah, middle management budgetary struggles. What would WWE be with out them?

Sasha Banks vs Dana Brooke

021 RAW 03132017ej 0230--393e15a1e40efb33105135501022a2ba

Predictably, SashaBanks got the pin on Dana with a rollup. After the Match, Dana got into an argument with Charlotte, presumably over Emmalina, her true best friend and the two punched each other until Charlotte left.

059 RAW 03132017ej 0517--c3495ad4da6796c883a322252d4ec993

Kevin Owens then came to the ring for his match, but before it started called for a spotlight. After reciting 2/3rds of Linus' monologue from A Charlie Brown Christmas, He said he would beat his former Best Friend, Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania for his US title.

Chris Jericho/Sami Zayn vs Samoa Joe/Kevin Owens

078 RAW 03132017jg 0758--c30122592a71f8fe06c4ccfdf41817e1

The match was called in Jericho/Zayn's favour as a DQ when Owens and Samoa Joe wouldn't stop double teaming and beating up Sami Zayn. Yes, they were disqualified from a wrestling match for unfair wrestling.

No. 1 Contender Match for the Raw Tag Team Championship: Enzo Amore and Big Cass Vs Sheamus and Cesaro

110 RAW 03132017cm 1076--827e728aa3e130320007e0764f6397ec

This match also ended in a No Contest when The Club interfered. Having never seen wrestling before, The Club figured if there was no winner, there would be no #1 contender for their Tag Titles. About this, and a great many other things (Including Anderson's pants) they were wrong and Mick Foley made an official Tag Team Title Triple Threat Match featuring all three teams for Wrestlemania.

Roman Reigns vs Jinder Mahal

Not wanting to touch the burlap sack that was once Jinder Mahal, Reigns won via Superman Punch. Mahal had him on the ropes at one point though when Reigns was momentarily distracted by the Undertaker's Dong. Seriously.

121 RAW 03132017cm 1475--1071345b27eb05bb94799e092628af6d

After the match, Reigns called out the Undertaker but was instead met with a returning HBK, Shawn Michaels. Michaels warned Reigns not to underestimate the Undertaker and Reigns underblew him off because he's too undercool like that.

136 RAW 03132017cm 1912--1c4b1c85e7aac9a99b385b816037ff15

While Roman was practicing his scowl on the ramp, he was attacked by Braun Strowman, because Undertaker two weeks in a row is too much Undertaker, apparently.

The Big Show vs Titus O'Neil

166 RAW 03132017cm 2032--0b879f1972301aae36d25d7546ef24c1

These two "fought" but in reality, Big Show just chokeslammed Titus three times and then left. In a lot of ways I'm gonna miss Big Show...

Bayley vs Nia Jax

171 RAW 03132017ej 1609--1d1e418ea6fa1648cb4a1d1d23563440

The match ended in a DQ when Jax refused to stop attacking Bayley, making this the second match of the night to be called due to too much wrestling. Nia's defence that she's not like most girls fell on deaf ears.

189 RAW 03132017ej 1955--b42927158f7591641ebc84a10b20e144

The Main Event of the evening was Stephanie McMahon and Mick Foley in the ring to determine who Foley was going to fire. Foley tried to fire The ring post, a potted plant and then settled on Stephanie, which brought out her husband and subordinate, Triple H.

193 RAW 03132017jg 3032--3cd775ea8b5a2bfd3173c72e6d3d0502

H3 made fun of Foley and told him to get lost. Foley responded as most would; by pulling a dirty sock out of his pants and locking the Mandible Claw on H. Triple H did what he does best and kicked him in the nuts, then began a beatdown of Foley. This brought out a newly resurrected Seth Rollins on a crutch.

199 RAW 03132017cm 2656--da8c236040a5daa4993aafaf14491d38

Rollins dropped the crutch, debuted a new t-shirt (now available at!) and hopped in the ring to brawl with Triple H. Triple H hit Seth's one weak spot, his knee with Seth's own crutch, "injuring" him again.

211 RAW 03132017cm 2721--b25ff02def0cbea9baed9a07bb38da41


003 SD 03142017jg 0085--b6bd1b164076e66671aacee7d91bb8ea

Over on Smackdown Live, the began with AJ Styles in the ring, running down the list of hoops he had to jump through to remain in the WWE Title picture, culminating in him losing his spot in the Main Event of Wrestlemania to Randy Orton. Styles, after making a good point frankly, then left and went to wait for Shane McMahon to arrive backstage.

Becky Lynch vs Natalya

026 SD 03142017cm 0255--9a5b3a5f0de4ae6a3733ac73f770b490

Becky Lynch won the match via Dis-Arm-Her and afterwards, Carmella attacked both women, hoping to take them out of the running for the Wrestlemania "Everyone Vs Alexa" Women's Championship Match.

Miz and Maryse came to the ring for a Miz TV segment. They ran down John Cena and Nikki Bella who came out to respond. The four were joined by Daniel Bryan who made the Mixed Tag match between them all at Wrestlemania official and all four participants did a bang up job of pretending it was a surprise.

047 SD 03142017jg 0323--99fbb9516303676a1730d8c54f3d655a

Mickie James vs Alexa Bliss

065 SD 03142017cm 0863--ed97d347db75c82ea95187cc279f1fbc

"Mickie James has pinned the Women's Champion!" -TM & C WWE. This non-title match ended with a Mick-Kick and stunned indifference from the audience.

Back stage, AJ Styles waited for Shane to arrive. One has to ask why the Commissioner of the show was getting there so late, but that's not important, I guess. Maybe he was getting wings? Who knows. Styles attacked Shane and put him through a car window. Shane was injured and Daniel Bryan "fired" Styles, having him escorted out of the building by guys who were absolutely security and not indie wrestlers trying to sneak into the show.

072 PreTape 03142017cm 0115--aaf64c439c93b0a844c2effcf0ff8262

Mojo Rawley vs Dolph Ziggler

Mojo was declared the winner by countout when Ziggler (like the audience) decided he'd had enough and walked out on the match. No one noticed.

093 SD 03142017jg 0447--2399d2aa82c58ddee14ccd3d63f1d7d8

Randy Orton then came to the ring to talk about his former "Master" Bray Wyatt. He was interrupted by Wyatt himself appearing on the video screen.

101 SD 03142017jg 0483--34abafc1acb5bd929c740d9196033360

Wyatt then "baptized himself in Sister Abigail's ashes" which is not the masturbation metaphor you might think it is. To everyone's amazement, he literally rubbed dirt all over himself while Randy, The Crowd and the audience at home watched in awkward horror.

The Usos vs American Alpha

121 SD 03142017cm 1649--fb38bddc0ee9249c655a162d986fba5c

"The Usos have pinned the Tag Team Champions!" -TM & C WWE The alleged main event for the evening was a non-title match between the Usos and American Alpha. The Usos won, but not even American Alpha could be bothered to care much. Their celebration was cut short when an injured Shane McMahon wandered out and challenged AJ Styles to a match at Wrestlemania.

122 SD 03142017cm 1657--ff2065c102ddc1f2fb03d5493dbb93f2

Shane was then bowled over by the crew running out to tape the ropes purple to signal the start of 205 Live. Shane then challenged them all to Wrestlemania matches as well.


Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

Comment without an Outhouse Account using Facebook

We get it. You don't feel like signing up for an Outhouse account, even though it's FREE and EASY! That's okay. You can comment with your Facebook account below and we'll take care of adding it to the stream above. But you really should consider getting a full Outhouse account, which will allow you to quote posts, choose an avatar and sig, and comment on our forums too. If that sounds good to you, sign up for an Outhouse account by clicking here.

Note: while you are welcome to speak your mind freely on any topic, we do ask that you keep discussion civil between each other. Nasty personal attacks against other commenters is strongly discouraged. Thanks!
Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

About the Author - Jeff Moss

While most kids spend their days dreaming of being firemen or astronauts, Jeff Moss was firmly holed up in his room with a stack of comic books and wrestling magazines, shying away from natural light. Jeff works as an editor at Blind Ferret and manages the subscription box service, Comic Bento Jeff lives with his Transformers, girlfriend and daughter who both don't get wrestling. He attended Wrestlemania 18, just ask him. He'll tell you all about it.
More articles from Jeff Moss

The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!