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The Road To Wrestlemania: Undertaker's Dong Strikes Back

Written by Jeff Moss on Wednesday, March 22 2017 and posted in Features

The Road To Wrestlemania: Undertaker's Dong Strikes Back

With just 13 sleeps to go, Wrestlemania is getting here so fast even those participating in it are getting whiplash!


Source: WWE

Hello friends, and welcome to this week's Bottom Rope Report. Keeping you apprised of all the doings, happenings and goings-on in the WWE as we speed down the dangerously slick Road to Wrestlemania on April 2nd. If you like what you see (or don't, I'm not your father) feel free to comment, share and like us!

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The show began with Mick Foley coming to the ring to apologize for attacking Stephanie (verbally) and HHH (physically) last week. Halfway through though, Foley recanted which brought out Stephanie who uttered those two little words "YOU'RE FIRED."

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Sami Zayn came out then, angry at Foley's firing. I guess they made up from all those times Foley said he wasn't good enough to fight Braun Strowman. Anyway, Sami was mad, so that brought out Samoa Joe because he... knows Stephanie? I dunno, but it resulted in Stephanie making a match between Joe and Sami that started RIGHT THEN!

Samoa Joe vs Sami Zayn

Joe managed to get Zayn to tap out to the Coquina Clutch.

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Up next, The announce team interviewed Seth Rollins' physical therapist, because his gardener and accountant were unavailable. The doctor said that there was absolutely, no way, and less than zero chance Seth would be healthy in time for Wrestlemania.

So, he'll 100% be there.

Charlotte Flair vs Dana Brooke

Charlotte hit the big boot and got the pin. Yup, didn't even need to hit her finisher on Dana to win.

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Next, Chris Jericho broke Miz' record for number of fake talk shows when he brought out the Highlight Reel. Jericho showed the world the "real" Kevin Owens by revealing text messages between the two, old photos of Kevin in Y2J shirts and a leaked video of them tag-teaming Pa— uh, partners. As Tag Team Partners.

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Owens then appeared to defend his poster choice, but instead power bombed Jericho, which I guess was also pretty real.

No Disqualification Match: Nia Jax vs Bayley

This non-title match was made to shoehorn Jax into the Women's Title Match at Wrestlemania and to entertain the crowd. It failed in one regard, but with Nia picking up the win she earned her way into the match next Sunday.

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Because everyone was so darn sleepy after three matches, Michael Cole then interviewed Triple H in the ring. Triple H, having seen wrestling once or twice, didn't buy Rollins' Doc's diagnosis, but said to protect the WWE from potential lawsuits when he murders Seth, he'll agree to a non-sanctioned, blood-for-blood deathmatch with the winner getting to eat the loser's heart and gain his power... if Seth has the guts to show up next week and agree to it.

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I swear, the paperwork on these matches must take forever with it all having to be done a week apart. Haven't these people ever heard of E-mail?

Handicap Match: Sheamus and Cesaro vs Enzo Amore and Big Cass vs The Club.

Backstage, because Cesaro and Sheamus had said a heartfelt goodbye to Mick Foley after he was fired, Stephanie punished them by making a match for the pair against their Wrestlemaina opponents, The Club and Enzo & Cass. The audience asked "wait, isn't this the exact match you want us to pay to watch at Wrestlemania?" but their queries fell on deaf ears.

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The Club attacked Enzo while Cass attacked Gallows, allowing Cesaro and Sheamus to attack Anderson and get the win... I think?

Roman Reigns vs Braun Strowman

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The Main Event of the night was going smoothly when, yet again, Roman was distracted by the Undertaker's dong. This time though, Undertaker actually showed up in the ring and chokeslammed Strowman. He should probably have gone for his actual opponent first though because he was immediately speared by Reigns. As the show went off the air, the Undertaker did one of those things he does and stood up, causing Roman to look even cooler in a purple-tinged stare down between the two.

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In case you forgot, this week's episode began with a recap of last week's beatdown of Shane McMahon By AJ Styles. Backstage, Styles appeared in a 3-sizes too small WrestleMania shirt and super hype Wrestlemania visor. Daniel Bryan, who "fired" Styles last week, said that he wished people cared about what he said, because clearly Styles was not fired. Also, he told AJ that Shane was on the way to the arena. Again, no one questioned why the Commissioner was showing up late to Smackdown

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Styles then made his way to the ring so everyone could see his killer Wrestlemania gear, available now at WWEshop.com. He said he had so much fun beating up Shane last week, that he was going to do it again this week. He then went to wait in the loading dock, presumably the only entrance to the building.

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Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos vs American Alpha (c).

In what was probably the best match so far between the two teams (really, it was a great match!) the Usos were able to get the drop on the inexperienced American Alpha with a surprise SuperKick and became the new Smackdown Tag Team Champions!

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Next in a taped segment, The Miz and Maryse aired "exclusive footage" from Total Bellas, which was re-named Total Bullshit. Oh, no, what's what I thought the bit was. It was actually called Total Bellas Bullshit. Clever, right? It featured Maryse playing both Bella twins The Miz putting on his big-boy voice to impersonate John Cena. It was... to be continued.

Randy Orton vs Baron Corbin.

Earlier in the show, Baron Corbin had come to see Daniel Bryan. Corbin wanted a match with Ambrose and Bryan, the general manager of the program, said he hadn't heard from Dean Ambrose, one of his top stars and current Champions, since Corbin crushed him under a forklift 2 weeks go. Thanks for checking in, Daniel. Corbin was like "Cool, I'm out to the Blackjack table then" and Bryan stopped him, saying he had a match against Randy Orton instead.

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Much to the surprise of one guy in the third row who'd just started watching Wrestling, Dean Ambrose appeared during the match and taunted Corbin from OUTTA NOWHERE because that's where Randy Orton to hit the RKO from to get the pin. After the match, Ambrose made the match between he and Corbin for the Intercontinental Title at Wrestlemania official, then performed some Dirty Deeds on him.

What? That's the name of his finisher.

While that was happening, Randy Orton went backstage and was assaulted by a bunch of dudes in sheep masks. Bray Wyatt then appeared and blah blah blah, Sister Abigail, yadda yadda Abigail's power hrm hrm hrm inside Bray, and he will win at Wrestlemania.

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John Cena vs Fandango

This laughable matchup was made even sillier by once-respected Tyler Breeze walking Fandango to the ring dressed as Nikki Bella for... well, since the feud is with the Miz and Maryse, I guess he was dressed that way for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. The real Nikki Bella was there though and the reason for the match became apparent as it allowed John and Nikki to lock in tandem STFU's for the win.

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Carmella vs Becky Lynch

This match lasted about 20 seconds before EVERY AVAILABLE WOMAN WHO ISN'T NAOMI jumped in and a brawl resulted. It served no purpose except to pave the way for:

The second instalment of Miz and Maryse's Total Bellas Bullshit. In this episode... you know what? It's on Youtube.

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Finally, AJ Styles, who apparently had just been hanging out in the loading dock this whole time, was proven quite the fool when Shane made his way to the ring from a SECRET SECOND ENTRANCE TO THE ARENA and called Styles to the ring. Styles came to the ring and the two men brawled until Shane put Styles through the announce table with a top-rope elbow drop to end the show, which was, admittedly awesome.

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So, for those following at home, Wrestlemania is April 2nd and will be "hosted" by The New Day. The only title not accounted for as of this writing is the Smackdown Tag Team Titles. With that said, the card is shaping up like this:

  • WWE Universal Title Match - Brock Lesnar vs. Bill Goldberg (c)
  • WWE Title Match - Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt (c)
  • Fatal 4 Way for the Raw Women's Title - Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Bayley (c)
  • Smackdown Women's Title Match - Mickie James vs. Carmella vs. Natalya vs. Becky Lynch vs. Alexa Bliss (c) vs TBA (That totally won't be Naomi. Totally).
  • WWE United States Title Match - Kevin Owens vs. Chris Jericho (c)
  • WWE Intercontinental Title Match - Baron Corbin vs. Dean Ambrose (c)
  • Triple Threat for the Raw Tag Team Titles - Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Sheamus & Cesaro vs. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson (c's)
  • WWE Cruiserweight Title Match - Austin Aries vs. Neville (c)
  • Roman Reigns vs. The Undertaker
  • John Cena and Nikki Bella vs. The Miz and Maryse
  • Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
  • Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal - Mojo Rawley, Apollo Crews, Big Show, Curt Hawkins et al.

Strap in folks, we're almost there!





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About the Author - Jeff Moss


While most kids spend their days dreaming of being firemen or astronauts, Jeff Moss was firmly holed up in his room with a stack of comic books and wrestling magazines, shying away from natural light. Jeff works as an editor at Blind Ferret and manages the subscription box service, Comic Bento Jeff lives with his Transformers, girlfriend and daughter who both don't get wrestling. He attended Wrestlemania 18, just ask him. He'll tell you all about it.
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