Wednesday, October 17, 2018 • Afternoon Edition • "Something about hobo piss."

Durnkin Reveewz: Secret Empire #0

Written by Zechs on Thursday, April 20 2017 and posted in Features

Durnkin Reveewz: Secret Empire #0

The secret isn't how badly the issue was. It's just how much I don't care at this point anymore.

* To those who do not know what they're about to read. Well, here's your warning. The following is just Zechs being Zechs. Grammatical errors are bound to happen you down three bottles of This Ain't Your Dad's Root Beer trying to comprehend the garbage you read. So there. You've been warned. Anything now is on your head for not following the warning.


I deserved a month off from this garbage given what I had to endure last time. I really did. You can only read so much of the stuff Marvel can throw at you. Why I binged hard on their good. Yes, I fully admit Marvel can produce some good comics. Spider-Man: Renew Your Vows. Uncanny Avengers (oh wait OOPS! That stellar creative team is now gone from the comic). Nova (oops! That's canceled now). I'm beginning to wonder if I am the real-life equivalent to Styx (does that make sdsichero my Stone?) with everything my hands' touches withers and is canceled.

Then another thought hits me. The events are the real ongoings. They're always constant. Everything else is just a mini and doesn't matter anymore. That's what I get when reading Secret Empire #0. You just lose all feeling and everything has become almost numb now. I want to care, but at this point. I just can't. I'm unphased at what I read. The material is supposed to shock and rock the reader to the core. But...

Let's face it. This is all going to be undone by event's end. This comic is supposed to shock us with bombshell after bombshell. But the direction this event is going down. I don't care given the events of Thunderbolts #12.  The last two issues of Captain America - Steve Rogers. None of these deaths will stick. To put it bluntly: it doesn't matter. It just doesn't anymore. 

No matter the brand of storytelling Marvel is telling. Good or bad. Amazing, laughable, or just downright infuriating. It just doesn't matter any longer. So, yes it's happened. I've reached past the zero point. I've become nihilistic on Marvel event comics. 

I know what you're thinking, "But Zechs DC Comic's doing the same shit! Harp on them too!" And yes, they are building toward a big event too. But they're doing a better job at that. You're actively rooting for Superman. Wally West. Batman. You're getting a kick at the villainous actions of Reverse Flash. Mxyzptlk. Bane. The League of Shadows. Oh, and of course the teased return of the Cyborg Superman (still waiting on that one. Goddamit have I've been teased enough of that glorious return. The darn teasing has left me with a giant case of cyborg blue balls). But that's the thing. The characters are moving the actions there. That's the big difference between the two now.

I will confess, even with this dreary overview writer Nick Spencer using the old toys of Jonathan Hickman was an interesting twist. I didn't see that coming. I should have given he basically has Hydra being half run by the same villains who populated Secret Warriors Volume 1. But then thing is, Hickman played with those toys better and did a better job at it. He also gave us a protagonist in Nick Fury and a good revolving cast. We don't get that anywhere. It's all the villains. No hero piecing this together until it is waaaaay too late.

Therein lies the great problem with Secret Empire #0 and the event build-up. There's no one really to root for. You rooted for Nick Fury and his team to take down the greater foes they faced in previously mentioned Secret Warriors. Here you can only just watch the disaster unfold and know it just doesn't matter. There's no heart here. Again, no characters moving the story. Just plot A. plot B. plot C. All going according to Captain Hydra's masterplan.

What a massive plan it is. Just that when this event ends, Marvel will dust this and act as if this never happened probably. You can almost see it with the strides it's taking here in the various set-up issues. I'm almost fully accepting the Alex de Campi theory.

Spencer also tries to homage or use past Avengers or Marvel events. But-- Annihilation and Under Siege were better-told stories. No matter how many times he keeps saying this one is much bigger. You can never beat the originals by this end. Mentioning it will make one compare and disassociate this event more from that kind of tier altogether. Strive toward your own path. 

That what truly pains me. I love good villain tales. This screams to me as one. But with the way Marvel has churned out stories. I'm unresponsive to it. I feel nothing when reading it.  Until then Marvel will continue to fail. And by default, by not giving writers a chance to do their thing and no instantly string a mega-event crossover to said comic. It's just going to keep killing their comics. It just doesn't matter. Which is a true shame given the characters Marvel has at it's disposable and amazing at how they've fouled this much up. That's really the only hook I have left. Just how badly can Marvel destroy their product? That sounds like kind of the wrong hook to read things?  Maybe that hopefully changes when this event madness ends.

$55 is the tab now by the way. If you were curious of what Marvel owes me for reading this. I get the feeling by the end of the summer we're hitting Omnibus levels on how much Marvel will owe me. 



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About the Author - Zechs

Zechs is the lord and master of The Toy Shed, Moment of the Week, and Durnkin Reveewz. He's also the official whuppin boy at the Outhouse. So he'll get stuck seeing stuff that no mere mortal should ever see. If there's any greater quality to Zechs, it's that he's an avid fan of comic book characters and would defend them to the bitter end against the companies that use them wrongly. He's also brutally honest. Zechs walks the lonely path in Chicagoland area.


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