Monday, May 28, 2018 • Morning Edition • "The comic book industry's inflamed butthole."

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword Review

Written by Zechs on Monday, May 15 2017 and posted in Features

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword Review

Finally, a movie that's as distorted and messed up like me.



I really had high hopes for King Arthur: Legend of the Sword. But.. the trailers promoting this movie didn't win me over. But I kept having hope. Maybe the marketing to this film was utter shit? Maybe this would be good. Guy Ritchie is directing it. He did well with Sherlock Holmes franchise. Those weren't bad. Maybe this could be a future rental. But, a friend texted me and invited me along to a screening. I figured, "Hey if he and another friend were going down this journey. If things went south. Well, least they wouldn't be alone in this decision." So I chose to lay down my money and go into this movie disregarding all previous thoughts on it. Go into it as a fan of the mythology and lore of King Arthur. 

The movie tore my beating heart out within the first fifteen seconds. That's gotta be a record. I think the last movie that instantly just smacks you across the face with how bad it was had to be Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. But that had the greatest theme song to get your heart pumping before it went for the fatality. This movie? Just right off the bat smacks you across the face and just keeps on abusing you.  The movie starts with quick exposition and then it just cut to black making me wonder if there was a problem with the projector. Then we cut to well, outrageously large elephants ripped from that scene from

The movie starts with quick exposition and then it just cut to black making me wonder if there was a problem with the projector. Then we cut to well, outrageously large elephants ripped from that scene from Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (but with poorer CGI effects) that are carrying armies before Eric Bana (hey! I haven't seen him since that awesome supernatural flick Deliver Us from Evil!) decides to Legolas the shit out of them all. Then we get a slight introduction to a few characters here and there. But really, all that sticks out is that.

But the ripoffs just don't end with that. Next, we get a really bad Game of Thrones rip-off that somehow this movie got Aidan Gillen to be in it and somehow provide the most shocking twist that his character isn't an asshole or betrays anyone. 

That's when the movie just decides to skip through an entire another movie. I am not kidding. When it went into the childhood of Arthur sequence, I could see my friend turns to me and I turn to him before my eyes going up behind us saying, "Did the projectionist put this movie in fast forward?" He then stares at the screen continues to go madly through this sequence. 

At this point, I have no idea what to utterly expect from this movie other than how loosely it ties into actual Arthurian lore. Other than having Arthur be an orphan, there's a sword in stone, a lady in the lake, Merlin gets a name-drop, Mordred somehow now is at the beginning of this tale instead of the end, and that's it. The only real Arthur this movie has in common is Arthur (1981) in that it's a movie that makes's you want to drink real badly to forget it. 

So at this point, I feel like I've seen three different bad reshots of better movies when we go into our fourth which honestly is the only time this movie feels like a Guy Ritchie movie starts to take shape. Then BAM! Before any hope that this movie was going back on course. It just goes into another movie. Cue more hyper cuts and. Okay at this point. I've just checked out.

My eyes at this point are just wide in and my mind is racing, "WHO THE HELL EDITED THIS?! It's like the most highly caffeinated editing team had edited this film!" 

Then the realization of how bad this movie begins to clock me over the face again. Wait. Okay, this movie really hates females. Almost every single female character introduced in this film has died not soon after save four. Nope. Make it three now. The tropes are strong with this film. At this point, one of said friends runs the heck out of the theater making me and other friend turn to each other wondering, "Did she just tap out?" I mean at this point, after how horrible the movie has become. I really don't blame her. Eventually, we find out nah it was work texting her and asking her to come in. I think after fully seeing this film that was a merciful act of God.

 Cause whoever was behind this film had no mercy for any filmgoer. That's when it hit me. This movie wants to be so many things. It wants to be Lord of the Rings. It wants to be Game of Thrones. It wants to be the Princess Bride. It wants to be Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. It wants to be this and so many other things. But it just keeps failing at it. That's when said strong-willed friend mutters to me, "They are so trying to make this a freaking franchise." To which he then closes on his thoughts, "And utterly failing on it." 

And he's right. Everything of this film is just trying to be just that and yet keeps failing badly at it. Well, the script, special effects, direction, and editing. The one thing that keeps this film almost completely watchable is the actors. There's a moment I swear though you can pinpoint the exact moment of filming when Jude Law realized the shitfest and he checked out to phone it in.

It's almost admirable at this point, and for the first time, I lean toward my friend. "Um.. maybe she had the right idea. You wanna tap out too?" But no. My friend was strong. He told me we should stay the course. Even as someone nearby laughed at a line. We were neck deep in this perilous journey. We had to see this through to the end.

And what an end to see Charlie Hunnam's Arthur go up against Shao Kahn (literally. He has the skull mask. Same helmet. The freaking same cape. No armor. Heck, he even uses the same twin-scythe attack from Mortal Kombat III. I almost want to say now he says, "Weak pathetic fool." too, but I really don't want to see this movie again for a long long time) completing the cycle that this movie is truly the Mortal Kombat: Annihilation of this generation. Like literally that is what this film reminded me of. It was so shoddy. So badly directed and edited. The only difference is this film had better actors. And then to cap it all off the movie ended leaving us both like this:

And then to cap it all off the movie ended leaving us both like this:

dafuckdidIwatch

King Arthur: The Legend Begins is a wondrously awful movie. It's like Warner Bros. saw what Fox was trying with Fan4stic and Sony with Amazing Spider-Man 2 and was like, "Hold my beers."

It's a disaster of epic proportions when it come's to trying to be franchise maker that you just has to be seen to be believed. In fact, I fully endorse it being shown to anyone who ever wants to make a movie franchise and just say before every viewing, "This is how you do not establish a franchise. Just don't do what this movie did." Then cue the picture. Also if you really want to torture your friends. This is a movie to do so. Though you might end up with several bruises and lose some friends if you did this to them.

So yeah, if you want to see this movie? Just go watch Excalibur, First Knight, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, or a Knight's Tale. All of them are so much better than this. This-- I mean really the only reasons to even stomach through this is the acting and that's about it.  That and the one scene near the beginning can I say that I enjoyed. That deserves a point. But then I remember all the crappage I had to endure to enjoy those moments. Nope. Fuck it. Half point it is!

 

0.5 out of 5





Loading...

Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:



Comment without an Outhouse Account using Facebook

We get it. You don't feel like signing up for an Outhouse account, even though it's FREE and EASY! That's okay. You can comment with your Facebook account below and we'll take care of adding it to the stream above. But you really should consider getting a full Outhouse account, which will allow you to quote posts, choose an avatar and sig, and comment on our forums too. If that sounds good to you, sign up for an Outhouse account by clicking here.

Note: while you are welcome to speak your mind freely on any topic, we do ask that you keep discussion civil between each other. Nasty personal attacks against other commenters is strongly discouraged. Thanks!
Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

About the Author - Zechs


Zechs is the lord and master of The Toy Shed, Moment of the Week, and Durnkin Reveewz. He's also the official whuppin boy at the Outhouse. So he'll get stuck seeing stuff that no mere mortal should ever see. If there's any greater quality to Zechs, it's that he's an avid fan of comic book characters and would defend them to the bitter end against the companies that use them wrongly. He's also brutally honest. Zechs walks the lonely path in Chicagoland area.

 


More articles from Zechs
The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!