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Shoot Those Damn Bluebirds: Put the Pearls & White Gloves Back On

Written by Brian Burchette on Monday, August 11 2008 and posted in Features
Hey look, Superman is crying… again! Batman is going over the deep end… again! Just what the hell is up with our heroes at the beginning of the new millennium? I’ll tell you what – lack of real women, that’s what! Superman married Lois Lane, who seems to be kicking more ass than he [...]

is. Our night-time vigilante with the ears still has a bat-boner for that leather clad vixen, Selina Kyle, who’s actually a helluva lot more dangerous than her paramour. No wonder the real men are cracking up, they’ve got no one to save. Even the love of Steve Rogers’ life is an ass kicking agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., who loved him, now carries his child, and then turned around and shot and killed him. I don’t think I would call her a damsel in distress. In fact, I bet she doesn’t even own a dress!

What happened to those good old days when our ladies would wear their pearls, their long white gloves, and pill box hats? They’d find a clue that our hero overlooked (perhaps on purpose?), and would run right into the clutches of the villain du jour. Our heroes would find out the love of their lives were in trouble, a dilemma that would create extra girth in their tights and off they would go.

Those were real women. Women who understood that there place was tied up on the railroad tracks, or cooing over the love of their life as they were whisked to safety. Just once I’d like to hear a tied up Emma Frost scream, “Oh who’s going to save me now?” (Though she does wear the white gloves, so I’ll give her half a point for that.)

I hate to say it folks, but the women’s movement has totally destroyed a woman’s right to be hog-tied, manhandled, and cry in frustration at the drop of a hat. Now they’re all walking around with boobs that make Pamela Anderson jealous, and telling our manly men to stuff it, they’ll get out of the perilous situations themselves.

Yet, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps the nearly all male writers have realized the error of their ways. Cocky little Lois is hanging on by a thread, Sharon’s been gutted like a Lake Michigan pike, and even though the mutant messiah is nothing more than a baby, it is a female child. Perhaps the little girl isn’t the messiah for mutants, but for all women everywhere.

Still, we’re a long way from setting things right. Not when we’re creating strong and independent women who can’t even walk! Sheesh, talk about taking a huge step in the wrong direction! Curse you, Gail Simone!

But men, keep up the faith. We still have Hank Pym who can still get his point across to Janet (a good old fashioned Sean Connery haymaker). Still, until women are once again put into the gloves and strung up with the pearls, our heroes will continue to walk, swing, or fly around like the castrated bulls that they are. Thank goodness some of them are smart enough to acquire sidekicks to rescue. Sure, they might not be as soft and gentle as the ladies, but hey, any port in a storm.

P.S. This writer would like to state that he has nothing at all against the fairer sex. In fact, many of his closest friends are women. Well, actually they’re men who would rather be women, but it’s the same principle.


Posted originally: 2008-08-11 17:08:34

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