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Shoot Those Damn Bluebirds: Thongs for the Memories

Written by Brian Burchette on Tuesday, July 15 2008 and posted in Features
I love comics with every fiber of my being. I eat, sleep, and crap comics which, trust me, makes hemorrhoids seem as easy as Paris Hilton after an all night bender. So please indulge me for a few minutes while I reveal to you what the answer to a popular comic really is. [...]

What is that? Do I really know the answer to that age old question? Well of course I do, you silly little goslings, it takes a, umm, matured queen to reveal an answer this big. And believe me when I say that the answer is not just big… but huge!

I hear you shouting at your screen. “Is it great storytelling coupled with fantastic art?”  No.  “Is it gritty street characters that swear more than Al Pacino’s subdued performance in “Scarface”?  Fuck no! “Wait! Of course, the answer is so simple – Wolverine?”  Not even on Joe Q’s best day. Gather around all my children and I shall show you the guiding light that has steered comics through all the days of their lives. Voila!

Yes, tits and ass are what sell comics. And it’s disgusting! It caters to the lowest common denominator, and pushes the idea of the stereotypical comic geek who is sitting home on a Saturday night and flogging his log to Sonja or Witchblade; his climax preceding the puddle of shame that he quickly hides at the bottom of his waste paper can.

Yet, the worst part of this travesty, what really makes this such a tragedy, is that these same writers and artists don’t realize the opportunity their missing by primarily targeting one demographic. Do they know how many of us are out there? And by “us”, I’m talking about the Fancy Boys of comics. Oh the extra number of comics that could be sold if they would just give the rest of us a lot more beefcake.

Sure we have the extremely hairy chest of Hawkman, with those magnificent leather straps that cover the nipples perfectly and helps keep those tight little green pants from falling to his ankles, but there is so much more they could do.

Not all of us are huge bear fans. Some of us like those smooth skinned twenty-something.
So what’s wrong with giving Nightwing a summer outfit? Put him in a tight dark blue muscle shirt that clings to his form, perky nipples straining to be released, a dark blue thong and combat boots to finish the ensemble. God knows I’ve seen enough of Starfire and Elektra’s ass to last me a lifetime. Let’s thong up Nightwing or Bucky, for Christ’s sake!

Where would he put those amazing and oh so enticing Escrima Sticks? Exactly where your minds went, you wonderful perverts; both of them ably inserted in his own special “Nightcave”. Not only would he be leaving the villains black and blue, watching him replace them would be so much fun.

Action Crotches!Now I’m not saying that every book should be loaded down with the stuff, but fair is fair. I think there are enough of us, Fancy Boys, around to warrant a little us time with Carter, or Clint, or especially Dick. Some of us read our comics in the bathroom too. So give us a reason to hang around there for an extra ten or fifteen minutes, will ya! Even in the mature titles, I’ve seen more bush than the combined players of both National and American Leagues of Baseball. Hell, the last penis I saw was Yorick’s, a wonderfully flaccid penis that I can only describe as looking a lot like Bart Simpson’s, but larger.

So I’m begging all of the writers and artists in the mainstream… give me something to look at. After thirty years of spending my hard earned money. I think I deserve one cover that looks like this.

Now, that’s art!


Posted originally: 2008-07-15 05:25:47

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