Tuesday, September 19, 2017 • Evening Edition • "Manufacturing outrage since 2006."

Transformers: The Last Knight Video Review

Written by Zechs on Thursday, June 22 2017 and posted in Features

Transformers: The Last Knight Video Review

A blight on cinema, as Bay outdoes himself with quite possibly the worst movie of the entire franchise.



It's been almost twenty-four hours since I've seen Transformers: The Last Knight. I should be over the "hangover". Instead, I find my stomach still twisted in a knot and my mind STILL in disarray due to the abomination of film I had the misfortune of watching. But you wanna see me in PAIN, don't you? Well, onto the glorious show (that's more entertaining to watch than sitting through the actual movie):

THANKFULLY!!! 24 hours later, my friend Jordan changed his opinion on the movie as his mind was then HAMMERED by trying to think of the actual plot of the movie and then realizing the inconsistencies of it all. Like literally, his mind just couldn't take how the plot holes starting to stack up once you started to THINK about the plot. His new review score for it is 1 out of 5. 

Now 24 hours later myself, I'd even go as far in saying this latest entry somehow someway topples Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen as THE worst entry in this entire franchise. How'd it do it you ask? How can it be worse than Autobot pissing, racial stereotype Autobots, Decepticon humping, Devastator ball sac, and John Turturro in nothing but a thong which was what all that film had? You'd think with ALL OF THAT GARBAGE, that Fallen would be the worse film? Nope. The people behind this movie FOUND A WAY to make a worse Transformer film. I'd didn't think it was possible, but THEY FOUND A WAY. How did I come by this revelation? There was a cinematic quality still there in that sequel. You had somewhat plausible action sequences (with the topper being the forest battle, but I still kind of like Optimus Prime getting all these various parts and going to town on the Fallen and Megatron). You had wide-variety of good villains to keep you entertained. You don't get that luxury here. 

Other than Megatron and Barricade (AGAIN, continuity for fuck's sake! I can almost buy Megatron given in the previous movie he was "branded" by the humans as Galvatron and given that form. But Barricade WHO DIED in Transformers: Dark of the Moon has 0 explanation. If he's back then why didn't we get fucking Shockwave, Soundwave, or Starscream? WHY!?) what we get instead in the variety of Decepticons is just INEXCUSEABLE! IN FUCKING EXECUSEABLE!  You'd think after Fallen, we'd get no more racial stereotypes, but fucking hell I'm gonna be scarred for ever-lasting life with this film. I still, cannot understand how the Maker aka is corrupt other than being corrupt with the twelve knights branching off from her. Why is Megatron in league with her (other than making sure Cybertron is reborn)? He carries the same brand Optimus had before going full Nemesis Prime.  Does this mean freaking Megatron by being branded was corrupted by her too? ANSWERS GODDAMN MOVIE? Why do not get these damn things?! 

But then there are other questions like, "Okay, I can buy why Barricade pulls ANOTHER DISAPPEARING act in the film's climax. But why the hell did the Autobots not have the Dinobots go with them? Like literally the Dinobots were in the big stage piece at the end of the second act. What happened to them?  The movie is basically solved if they're used. 

 I'd never thought I ever give a film this but this movie finds a way to be that stunningly bad. Like I can find that this had a good Megatron design, and that's about it.  Nothing else jelled with this movie. There was no plot. This movie feels like it was stitched together by over twenty writers on this singular script. At least Fallen had four or at least sounded semi-coherent. Wait? Did I fucking ghost-write this goddamn movie? No. No, I did not. I stand by my score from when I just came out of it. There is nothing redeeming about this movie. NOTHING. Just watch the 1986 movie, that STILL is the best most cohesive Transformers movie.  

0 out of 5





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About the Author - Zechs


Zechs is the lord and master of The Toy Shed, Moment of the Week, and Durnkin Reveewz. He's also the official whuppin boy at the Outhouse. So he'll get stuck seeing stuff that no mere mortal should ever see. If there's any greater quality to Zechs, it's that he's an avid fan of comic book characters and would defend them to the bitter end against the companies that use them wrongly. He's also brutally honest. Zechs walks the lonely path in Chicagoland area.

 


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