The Outhouse: The Greatest Comic Book Website - For All Your Comics and Entertainment News, Reviews, and Other Insanity

Ask the Asshole: The Magic Eight Ball Answers!!!

Being that the only questions written in this week to the column were written by monosyllabic morons whose I.Q.s can apparently only be measured by the amount of drool they got on their S.A.T.s, I decided to put as much thought into answering them as they obviously spent asking them. I’m letting the Magic [...]

magic eight ballEight Ball do all the work. Just invest in those dribble cups and diapers now, people.

Dear Asshole,
I did not go to prom. Should I start dating a high-schooler so I can go to their prom?
Sincerely,
Prom-less One
All signs point to yes. Huh, not the direction I’d have gone. I still don’t see you getting laid.

All signs point to yes. Huh, not the direction I’d have gone. I still don’t see you getting laid.Dear Asshole,
I really want to be Batman. How should I go about doing this?
Sincerely,
Huge N. Erd
Better if I don’t tell you now. Funny how appropriate that seems.

Better if I don’t tell you now. Funny how appropriate that seems.Dear Asshole,
I am a chronic masturbator. Recently, my penis filed for trial separation. Should I find a new hobby?
Sincerely,
Michael Hawk
My Reply is no. Wow. That’s funny. You’re a douche.

My Reply is no. Wow. That’s funny. You’re a douche.Dear Asshole,
My owner’s a lame, unfunny douche. What’s the best way to kill him without the police finding out (they are dumb Canadians though)?
MugginsOutlook good. Well, they can’t all be winners. It seems that there’s just no wrong way to go about it.

Outlook good. Well, they can’t all be winners. It seems that there’s just no wrong way to go about it.Dear Asshole,
I have a strange Joker fetish. Sometimes I dress up in all white make-up and rub myself with a pound of fresh butter. I also have violent snuff fantasies about Heath Ledger. Do I need help?
Yours Truly,
Hunter Houdini
My reply is no. Yeah, I think you got off lucky with the eight ball.

My reply is no. Yeah, I think you got off lucky with the eight ball.Dear Asshole,
Every time I make a joke, nobody laughs. Why? Does my breath smell?
EvilKeb
P.S. Do you look good in a speedo?
It is decidedly so. Quoted for truthiness. All three questions.

It is decidedly so. Quoted for truthiness. All three questions.Dear Asshole,
I am afraid to reveal my true identity over the internet for fear that people will realize that I am the person who sneaks into their house and tries on their underwear. It’s been pretty successful so far, but lately people have been claiming to have had sexual relations with my girlfriend. It’s making me cry at night. Should I come out of the shadows and reveal my fetish of putting on other people’s undergarments or bear the slandering of a girlfriend whom I will never have?
Please help!
Manin Street
Without a doubt. Stand revealed, so speaks the magic 8 ball. I’d have suggested something closer to joining a cult, but, hey, that’s just me.

Without a doubt. Stand revealed, so speaks the magic 8 ball. I’d have suggested something closer to joining a cult, but, hey, that’s just me.Dear Asshole,
Did you really do that thing to your assistant?
John LewisBetter not tell you now. Even the 8 Ball knows how to plead the fifth. It’s got my back.

Better not tell you now. Even the 8 Ball knows how to plead the fifth. It’s got my back.To discuss.


Posted originally: 2007-04-17 17:59:11
The Outhouse is sponsored by Cinema Crazed: Celebrating Film Culture & Pop Culture.


Enjoy this article? Consider supporting The Outhouse, a fan-run site, on Patreon. Click here for more info.


Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:



Comment without an Outhouse Account using Facebook

We get it. You don't feel like signing up for an Outhouse account, even though it's FREE and EASY! That's okay. You can comment with your Facebook account below and we'll take care of adding it to the stream above. But you really should consider getting a full Outhouse account, which will allow you to quote posts, choose an avatar and sig, and comment on our forums too. If that sounds good to you, sign up for an Outhouse account by clicking here.

Note: while you are welcome to speak your mind freely on any topic, we do ask that you keep discussion civil between each other. Nasty personal attacks against other commenters is strongly discouraged. Thanks!
Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media: