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Ask the Asshole: Scratching Nuts in Public, Hot Tub Parties, and Melissa Rivers Fetishes

Written by Mike Mumah on Sunday, April 01 2007 and posted in Features
If there’s one thing you get a lot of in an outhouse, it’s Assholes. And in The Outhouse, one Asshole makes the most noise. This guru of geekdom is notoriously wise and well-versed, and is wiser and more versed than you are. So shut up, sit down and [...]

Ask the Assholelisten up. It’s time to get advised in this week’s segment of ASK AN ASSHOLE.

Keb asks The Asshole this question:

Dear Asshole,What’s a tetragrammaton?
Keb
This is an advice column, you cracked out Canadian. Take your emo ass and spin on top of your tetragrammatron for all I care. You can cry about it later.

This is an advice column, you cracked out Canadian. Take your emo ass and spin on top of your tetragrammatron for all I care. You can cry about it later.Dear Asshole,Go fuck yourself. I want in on this column too.
Trachman
That’s not a question, you fucking idiot. Your nurse must have dropped you harder than we thought.

That’s not a question, you fucking idiot. Your nurse must have dropped you harder than we thought.Dear Asshole,What’s a tetragrammaton? Speaking of which, Mumah, should I add this to my stack of questions, or you wanna field it?
Lord Simian
What the fuck do I care what you do? It was a stupid question to begin with. But if that gets your rocks off, by all means, monkey boy.

What the fuck do I care what you do? It was a stupid question to begin with. But if that gets your rocks off, by all means, monkey boy.Dear Asshole,Who kicks more ass; Bea Arthurt in a Bigfoot costume or Bea Arthur in sumo wrestling gear?
john lewis
What the fuck? Where you born wearing a hockey helmet or did your parents raise you under high tension wires?

What the fuck? Where you born wearing a hockey helmet or did your parents raise you under high tension wires?Dear Asshole,Is it bad to scratch your nuts in public?
Keb
This is more like it. This is an advice question, for all you other idiots out there. To answer your question Keb, no, it’s not bad for you to scratch your nuts in public. It’s the only action they’ll see,. Just try to cry while you’re doing it, you big pussy.

This is more like it. This is an advice question, for all you other idiots out there. To answer your question Keb, no, it’s not bad for you to scratch your nuts in public. It’s the only action they’ll see,. Just try to cry while you’re doing it, you big pussy.Dear Asshole,What’s the recommended way to kill a monkey?
john lewis
Slowly.

Slowly.Dear asshole,
My girlfriend won’t let me give her a “Cleveland Steamer”. Any advice as to how I can talk her into it?
Sincerely,
Constipated Clevelander
Simple. Stop asking. Just give her the gift that just keeps giving.

Simple. Stop asking. Just give her the gift that just keeps giving.Dear Asshole,What can a novice asshole do to become a grandmaster asshole like yourself?
Zenguru
Easy. Stop asking stupid questions. Fuck. There is no hope for the future.

Easy. Stop asking stupid questions. Fuck. There is no hope for the future.Dear Asshole,My friend had his colon removed and now has a bag attached on spam outside. Now, I’m having a hot tub party next weekend and I wonder if I’m being an asshole by not inviting him.Thanks,
subliminal

Finally, a decent fucking question. Yes, Subby, you are being an asshole, but in this case, it’s totally justifiable and frankly, the only reasonable thing to be. Clearly, because he doesn’t have one, you HAVE to be an asshole for him. If this dude gets in that tube, everyone else is going to be stewing in his anal leakage. He doesn’t want that, and neither do you. Just invite all the hip cats with their assholes intact. I hear it’s all the rage this year.

Finally, a decent fucking question. Yes, Subby, you are being an asshole, but in this case, it’s totally justifiable and frankly, the only reasonable thing to be. Clearly, because he doesn’t have one, you HAVE to be an asshole for him. If this dude gets in that tube, everyone else is going to be stewing in his anal leakage. He doesn’t want that, and neither do you. Just invite all the hip cats with their assholes intact. I hear it’s all the rage this year.Dear Asshole,
My clone turned out to be into bestaility and has a massive Melissa Rivers fetish. Every night, I come home to see her screwing my llama in spam ass while spam llama’s wearing a Melissa Rivers mask. Would it be rude if I asked to join?
Sincerely,
Joan Rivers

What the fuck? Go join the French Foreign Legion. Take your hippy ass, and get the fuck out of here. Do it now. You cracked out ass-clown. Stop wasting my oxygen!

The Outhouse would just like to say that we do not share the same views of the Asshole. We usually see the whole thing.

To discuss.


Posted originally: 2007-04-01 20:10:51

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