Monday, December 11, 2017 • Afternoon Edition • "ISIS approved!"

Self Proclaimed World's Biggest Star Wars Fan Makes Crucial Mistake

Written by SuperginraiX on Monday, December 04 2017 and posted in Features

Self Proclaimed World's Biggest Star Wars Fan Makes Crucial Mistake

Being the biggest fan is harder than you'd expect.



The following article contains SPOILERS from previous Star Wars movies and if you haven't already SEEN those movies and managed to click on a Star Wars article... well, I've got nothing. You've made your own bed.

On November 24, 2017, while many people were lining up for Black Friday deals, Josh Lincaster of Augusta, Maine lined up outside the MiniCini 10 Movie Complex in his home town. His mission? To watch Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, a movie that would not be in theaters until December 15.

Lincaster is definitely a Star Wars fan and his excitement for the upcoming movie is clear.

"I grew up with Star Wars," explains the 45 year old, "and it might seem a little crazy to wait in line for three weeks for a movie to hit theaters but I really wanted this to be an event in my life. I don't know if anyone was camping out at another theater before me but as far as I know, I'm the world's biggest Star Wars fan."

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi is a continuation of the Star Wars story started back in 1977 with Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. The movie features a combined cast of characters from the original trilogy as well as highlighting newcomers specifically created for the sequel trilogy of movies.

Josh Lincaster's act of camping out in front of a theater might seem like a tactic from a bygone era considering that ticket reservations for the new movie are already available online and in theaters. However, Lincaster is adamant that this is about building a memory rather than just watching a movie. He DOES already have his tickets reserved, too, so his camping trip is more symbolic than anything else.

He's also gathering a following. Since Josh set down his pup tent, more fans have followed suit. As of December 2, twelve other fans have lined up behind Lincaster, some of them dressed up as Star Wars characters for the occasion.

"It really isn't as bad as it seems," Josh elaborated. "The cold sucks but my little tent is warm enough. I talked with the theater and they let me use their restrooms when I need them. My girlfriend drives over and watches my things when I need to go home and shower. I used all of my work vacation time for this but I can also do a lot of my job remotely so thank the Force for WiFi!"

Josh has it well planned out considering that this is his first time ever attempting something like this.

"As much as I love Star Wars, I can't claim to have camped out for last year's Rogue One or the Prequel movies," admits Lincaster. "I DID get my tickets in advance and everything, but it didn't seem as exciting as a numbered sequel to my all-time favorite movie series. I've been waiting for thirty-four years for this movie!"

Star-Wars-The-Last-Jedi-4-600x300.png
Wait.  WUT?

There was a slight hush in the crowd behind him at this comment.

"You mean you've been waiting TWO years for this movie, right?" a middle-aged man dressed as Lando Calrissian asked.

"No, thirty-four years," Lincaster responded. "Since Return of the Jedi. Rogue One was a great movie but it wasn't a sequel to Jedi."

"Yeah, Rogue One was last year," continued Lando. "I'm talking about Episode Seven. The Force Awakens? That came out two years ago."

"No, THIS is Episode Seven," Lincaster said, a little unconvinced.

"This is Episode Eight, dude," explained a twenty year old convincingly dressed as Jabba the Hutt.

"That can't be right," Josh said, beginning to count on his fingers. "Vee, eye, eye, FUCK."

"He never saw Force Awakens!" cried out an appropriately dressed Hoth Gear Luke Skywalker. "How did you miss Episode Seven?"

"I... damn!" Josh Lincaster gibbered. "What was I doing in 2015? That was a busy year... I... Holy crap, I barely remember hearing first details about Star Wars and then not wanting any spoilers and avoiding everything about it... and then I forgot about it all together!"

"How did you manage that?" asked our Lando Calrissian. "That stuff was everywhere. There were life sized cutouts of the characters in stores and everything!"

"I don't know, all right!?" Josh shouted while checking his labtop. "Crap, there it is! How the hell did I miss that? I hate Roman numerals! This is why I have no idea what order the Final Fantasy games go in!"

IIor11.png
This is either Final Fantasy 2 or Final Fantasy 11...

Murmurs started rising from the small gathering.

"He missed the last movie. He doesn't even know that Han Solo is dead."

"SPOILERS!!!" screamed Lincaster. "Everybody shut up! I need to watch this movie, now. Don't tell me what happened!"

"Eh, don't bother," muttered Jabba. "It's basically an over-produced New Hope."

"How can you call yourself the 'World's Biggest Star Wars Fan' fan if you haven't even seen all the movies?" a smug Lando asked.

"Go to hell, Lando!" erupted Josh Lincaster. "That blaster you've been using this whole time isn't even from Star Wars, you ass! That's a Type 2 phaser from frickin' Star Trek!"

Things quickly fell apart from here and we decided to leave before people started throwing fists. When we looked in on things this morning, we found Josh, "Lando," and two others had been taken to the Emergency Room with minor injuries but everyone is expected to make full recoveries.

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi opens in theaters on December 15. Make sure you've seen all the previous movies before seeing it but if you've managed to skip The Force Awakens, you can just watch A New Hope twice and call it a day. They're practically the same movie, anyway. ;)

ThisMeans8.png
Remember: This means "8"





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About the Author - SuperginraiX


SuperginraiX is the biggest sap on The Outhousers' payroll (wait, we get paid?). He reads every issue of every crappy Marvel crossover so you don't have to. Whats worse is that he pays for his books, thus condoning Marvel's behavior. If The Outhouse cared for his well being at all, they'd try and get him into some sort of rehab center. But, alas, none of us even know how to say his name. For a good time, ask Super why Captian America jumped off the Helicarrier in Fear Itself. Super lives in the frozen wastland that is Minnesota with 15% of the state's population living under his roof: a wife he makes wear an Optimus Prime mask, two gremlins, and his mother-in-law.

 


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