Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is a record you've played numerous times and heard the tune before. So much so you've heard the song and it was good then. Now after the hundredth viewing? Not so much.
You have rich assholes looking to exploit dinosaurs for nefarious means. You have a team of four who are thrust into a situation beyond their control because of these rich assholes. You have rich assholes who think making military grade mutant dinosaurs is a good thing (wait-- they're ripping off Carnasaur now? Huh.. I'm surprised Roger Corman hasn't said anything on this yet). Basically, rich assholes are to blame for everything (then again. They do make easy targets and is so cathartic when they're eaten).
If it isn't that then every single villain save Dr. Henry Wu (a woefully underused B.D. Wong) who's the only sane voice of reason amongst them. Still, he has his own stupid moment at the end. Like literally the villains in this are so stupid that one of them opens a locked door because they have a tooth fetish for captured dinosaurs. I'm not kidding. That actually happens in the movie. Not only that but another scene where the villains tell the heroes the world thinks them dead, so they're gonna kill them. Yet suddenly they decide not too-- because?!
That's not to say the heroes are geniuses themselves. They too have their own moments. Save one moment when Bryce Dallas Howard's character realizes how much she screwed up and accepts this. And then something else happens cause-- FUCK LOGIC.
Yeah, there are a ton of plot holes in this movie. Damn, are there a lot of them. So this movie retcons a lot of the Jurassic Park mythology by revealing there was another player who helped John Hammond fund this all and conveniently forgets they created the other island, but remembers Hammond's speech from the second movie (da fuck?). Speaking of that second island so does this mean Jurassic Park: The Lost World and Jurassic Park III never occurred? Are we just going to overlook that? We are? Why? There are so many things dropped by this movie, that I'm not even going to start talking about
Or how the trailers basically spoil almost everything. I mean they literally did. The entire plot was spoiled in them. There's no shock and awe at the betrayals. You know these guys are crooked, yet somehow we're supposed to buy it? Da fuck? Movie I only started to drink AFTER I saw you. You're not supposed to think I'm drinking when I'm watching you. Wait... That's it! This movie is to be watched when you're drunk! Wait... Why is a Jurassic Park film best viewed drunk? That's not how this supposed to go!
The only twist not spoiled from the trailers is something you can see coming a mile away. So much so I commented earlier to a friend when watching the movie of this character. When "the twist" occurs with the payoff to the character, said friend who I was watching this with turned to me and said, "This movie literally is that predictable?! You so called it!"
So yeah I'm harping like mad on this movie like basically everyone else. That's not to say this movie isn't a mess like Jurassic Park III. Oh, it's a mess, but it does have some positives going for it. Blue gets to flourish a tiny bit more as a character. The Tyrannosaurus Rex does shit that's always entertaining as hell. This movie like the previous one knows the viewer cares more about a few specific dinosaurs thus sparing them *cough* Jurassic Park III killing off the T-Rex thirty minutes in *cough*.
That and surprisingly the best human character was played by Daniella Pineda. Even then she's underused and well she has her own idiot moment. Still, Pineda's character was for me the best human out of the movie that I actually kind of wanted to live. Chris Pratt's character while smart, just felt there was no payoff ever for his character's arc in this film. His character just feels wasted here. If anything Howard's character is the only one who gets a better arc in this and better payoff from the prior film to this one. Still, it's weak.
You're probably wondering why the hell am I giving this movie two and a half points then? WHELP! I would have given this review a low rating. BUT. The movie does contain at the end Ian Malcolm (woefully, woefully underused Jeff Goldblum) going basically, "I told you so." to all of humanity. Given that was a moment missing in the prior film. Something I begged for it to happen here and it does. Well, it gets one plus point and a half for that alone.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is like me a mess, but it can be still enjoyed (also like anything written by me). Just that you have to be heavily intoxicated to fully enjoy what you're watching. Course, that means there should be a warning prior that watching this movie can cause serious damage to your brain cells and liver if you do.
Wait... Does this mean the movie is literally the film version of me then? No. Because the dinosaurs at the climax don't become cyborgs and the T-Rex fights them all herself. But damn is it scary to think there are people out there like me who write. Truly a terrifying thought to be sure!
2.5 out of 5