Sunday, December 21, 2014 • Morning Edition • "The Outhousers of Earth Ugh"

Flush That S#!t! The Lost ummm Segment thingy?

Written by Tony Mourlot on Wednesday, May 21 2008 and posted in Features
Hi everyone. I was digging through some old documents and found this old Flush That S#!t column-thing that Tony and I did. I think it was supposed to be MY last one before Tony took it over with a new host, but no one knows what happened to that guy and the rest of us [...]

Hi everyone. I was digging through some old documents and found this old Flush That S#!t column-thing that Tony and I did. I think it was supposed to be MY last one before Tony took it over with a new host, but no one knows what happened to that guy and the rest of us just got caught up in time and yeah, it was lost. Anyways, it’s found and it’s ridiculous but still fun to read (at least I think so). So enjoy!

Keb: Welcome to the latest edition of Flush That S#!t, an edition that’s been going on in secret.  We’ve been making some changes here and tonight, since it’s late, Tony and I are going to say “Screw the comic world” and have a little fun.  We’ll be going head to head in the most intense Q&A session since…some interrogation somewhere.  Say whattup Tony Tone
Tony: Whattup
Keb: De nada.  I’ll start off the questions with this: What was the best single comic issue you’ve ever read in your entire life.
Tony: That’s tough.  Let me think a moment
Keb: Don’t hurt yourself
Tony: I won’t.  I’m not Hawk. I’d have to say Deadpool #20. That was the book that really hooked me on the character. It was hysterical. Deadpool kidnaps the pre-cog Monty and takes him to Monte Carlo to win money at a casino.  They end up fighting with Batroc the Leaper.
Keb: Word
Tony: Ok, Keb, what’s the worst single issue of a comic you’ve ever read?
Keb: I’m actually not sure about that one.
Tony: ANSWER THE QUESTION OR I CUT OFF A FINGER!!!
Keb: Could we pile the entire run of Bendis’ New Avengers into one giant comic book and call it a single issue?
Tony: That doesn’t count. You must really hate Bendis.
Keb: Then it’s a really hard question.  I’d probably have to say Chris Claremont’s return to Uncanny X-Men back in 2004 (or 5?).  It’s #444, and he’s got the X-Men playing baseball for fun, and it’s supposed to recall memories of the X-Men from the 80s, I guess, having fun.  Thing is, it’s just way too fuckin’ cheesey to be believable.
Tony: That’s a good one.  Claremont’s latest run was terrible.
Keb: It was horrible!  Okay, my turn: You’re at a convention in line to meet Peter David, you see a hot girl walk by, do you go holla at her or stand in line with the rest of the staring crew to get Peter David’s autograph?
Tony: I get Peter David’s autograph.  If she’s hot chances are she’s not interested in me. Besides, I’m sure by that time she’s sick of fanboys talking to her.
Keb: Yo dude, that was a rhetorical question.  How often do you see hot girls at comic conventions?  NEVER!  And you do, they’re usually uninterested in anything and glued to the arm of their geek-ass boyfriend!
Tony: Well, then I’ll kick his ass and steal her away.
Keb: Yeah, you wish!
Tony: I could kick his ass.
Keb: The only time you kick any ass is when you play pin the tail on the donkey
Tony: Out of anyone in history, who would you like to spend the day with?
Keb: Out of all people?  Probably John Keats.  Simply because he’s not just my favourite poet, but one of the greatest egomaniacs in history.  He was smart though, and I’d probably try to get some of that smart to rub off on me.  Of course, he probably wouldn’t understand a word I say and vice-versa, but yeah, that’s who.
Tony: I’d have to say DaVinci.
Keb: You and Tom Hanks
Tony: Fuck Tom Hanks and that terrible movie. The guy was a pioneer in so many things.
Keb: Yeah true. Okay, so pick the one who you think represents you the most: Superman, Batman, Green Lantern or the Flash?
Tony: That’s tough.
Tony: I guess I’d have to say Batman.
Keb: Oh yeah?  I hear the girls say you’re more like the Flash…OH DISS!
Tony: Then you should ask the women,
Keb: The ones at the con you don’t approach? Anyways, explain your answer.
Tony: I went with Bats because I’m not an over-grown boyscout, my willpower is for shit and I’m not very fast.
Keb: But you’re rich, and both physically and mentally primed to the highest human level?
Tony: I wish!  I have a hard time trusting others much like Batman does. Batman has avery select few that are close to him.  I’m very much the same way.
Keb: Now we have to be a bit more specific: Are you talking about the current DCU Batman, or Frank Miller’s Batman.
Tony: I’d have to say a little of both.
Keb: Hmmm…I’m not sure if that’s cool or scary.
Tony: I said Batman, not the goddamn Batman.
Keb: Do you often find yourself narrating your life while you work?
Tony: Nope, I have a midget that follows me around for that
Keb: Pablito?
Tony: Dear god no…If you could be any comic character who would you be?
Keb: Green Lantern
Tony: Explain.
Keb: I would use my power ring as a beer bong.
Keb: And a tennis racquet, and to get around, and maybe as a snow shovel.
Tony: I would choose Wolverine.
Keb: Well, you’re already hairy enough to play the part.
Tony: True.  I was him for Halloween and I grew the sideburns for it.
Keb: Okay, a serious question: When was the last time you got it on with Hawk’s girlfriend. And I was talking about your chest hair, not your sideburns, you hairy-chested beast!
Tony: I haven’t.  I don’t like sloppy seconds.  Especially Hawk’s.
Keb: You mean you get Hawk’s seconds?  Dude, those are like…my sloppy thirds.
Tony: Yep.  Definitely not sleeping with her now.
Keb: You know, I heard he doesn’t even sleep with her.  Separate beds just like the Flintstones.
Tony: That’s funny.  Considering she’s just a blow-up doll.
Keb: Nah, you’re thinking of the girl his girlfriend lets him fool around with when she’s over at my place.
Tony: Either way, I’m not hitting either of them.
Keb: You are such a saint
Tony: Who is your all time biggest celebrity crush?
Keb: The hell kind of first-date question is that! Anyway, it’s an easy one.  Emanuelle Chriqui whom I fell in love with after watching the movie 100 Girls (don’t ask why I was watching that…).  She’s now playing Sloan on Entourage and I am still in love.
Tony: Mine is Carrie Fisher circa 1983
Keb: Love the slave girl Leia outfit eh?
Tony: I was 8 years old when that movie came out.  I had a crush on her before that but the outfit cemented it
Keb: That was her super-sexy breakout outfit.  After wearing that she went from cute to sexy.  I remember it well.
Tony: Yeah, she was smoking hot then.
Keb: Seen her lately?
Tony: Yeah, the years have not been so kind. I’d still hit it though.  Just to say I did.
Keb: Oh well. Who is the worst comic book writer ever?
Tony: Anyone who has written Nightwing in the last 3 years
Keb: Are you sure it’s not that Nightwing is just a crap character?
Tony: I think he’s a difficult character to write. It’s tricky to not make him Batman-lite.
Keb: That’s how I see him.  Batman-lite
Tony: I’m sure most people do. Who’s the most overrated comic writer to you?
Keb: Mark Millar, most definitely.  He has his moments, but he seems to be way overblown.  His dialogue is crap most of the time (worse than Bendis) and his plots always seem to have some silly way of working out one way or the other.  I also find that he writes for the real world, and likes to set his own versions of everything to his liking.  He’s also not very good at leaving stuff behind for the next writer, like in Ultimate X-Men.
Tony: Still had to take a jab at Bendis, eh?
Keb: Oh fo sho! There are very few things I dislike more than Bendis dialogue.
Tony: Hahaha, What do you dislike more?
Keb: It’s right up ther with cockblocks and refried beans.
Tony: Cockblocks are the worst
Keb: They are horrible people.
Tony: Indeed
Keb: Okay, if you had a choice, would you sacrifice your comic book collection to live forever?
Tony: Hell yeah! Not even a choice
Keb: You would?
Tony: Death scares me.  Being an atheist I don’t believe in an afterlife. I have a fascination with history.  I would love to live and see what happens 500 years from now.
Keb: What are you gonna do to kill time?  Jerk off a lot?
Tony: There’s always movies, music and real books to keep me occupied.
Keb: Or you could just start a new comic book collection, in the name of someone else, after the deal’s been done.
Tony: I could always just start a new collection.  The deal was giving up my current collection. If you had to sacrifice one of your five senses which would it be?
Keb: Smell.  That way I wouldn’t have to be all grossed out in the summer when stinky, sweaty people get on the bus.  That shit is gross!
Tony: Yeah, but smell is a big part of taste.
Keb: But taste is still there, so I could still taste cheesecake.  And also, those stinky cheeses that taste really good, well I wouldn’t have to worry about the stinky part.
Tony: I guess you wouldn’t.
Keb: And I wouldn’t have to smell the dogshit in the backyard when I have to clean it.
Tony: That would make it worth it
Keb: It’s all good.  And if anyone can come up with a negative side of losing your sense of smell, I’ll reward you with a punch in the nose.
Tony: No need for violence.
Keb: Okay, if you could make this column better, what would you add to it?
Tony: I think it would be great to get all the Outhousers involved.  It would be chaotic but fun.
Keb: So essentially just a gigantic massive AIM chat for Outhousers?
Tony: Yeah, but with topics and not just a chat.
Keb: Could you imagine 50+ people all having private conversations in the square brackets?
Tony: It would be fun. We have a lot of interesting personalities that could weigh in on some good topics.
Keb: 2450 different chats of people calling each other “goat fucker”…And that’s not a made-up number.  It’s the number of chats that we would have if there were fifty people and each person had one chat with every person in the chat.
Tony: Whatever you say goat fucker.
Keb: Your face is a goat fucker
Tony: If by my face you actually mean your penis then yeah.
Keb: I’m sorry but comparing my penis to your face is like comparing Fabio the model to Pablito. Anymore penis talk then this gets written off as way too homoerotic.
Tony: True. Thanks for joining us on another edition of Flush That Shit.  Remember to wash your hands

Discussion?


Posted originally: 2008-05-21 03:38:38

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