Thursday, December 18, 2014 • Afternoon Edition • "ISIS approved!"

Phone Solicitors

Written by GCom on Thursday, October 26 2006 and posted in Features
Written by GCom My office door is knocked upon, and I sitting at my desk notice. In walks Filthy Assistant Dusty. “There’s a ‘Winnie’ in the phone for you” he says. I give him the nod and reach for the phone. Filthy Assistant Dusty scurries off, closing the door. “Hello, Gary here.” I say into the phone. “Hi Gary!” says [...]

Written by GCom

My office door is knocked upon, and I sitting at my desk notice. In walks Filthy Assistant Dusty.

“There’s a ‘Winnie’ in the phone for you” he says.

I give him the nod and reach for the phone. Filthy Assistant Dusty scurries off, closing the door.

“Hello, Gary here.” I say into the phone.

“Hi Gary!” says the voice I don’t recognize (and certainly not a relative of mine who goes by the name of Winnie). “This is Winnie with Americuh Card Processors! I called you about 4 months ago, asking if you were interested in having one of our representatives stop by your place of business.”

“… yes?” I replied, dimly recalling this conversation. If I recalled correctly, I said I wasn’t interested in their services.

“Well, our guy is in your area again, and we wanted to schedule an appointment with you!” said Winnie with sunshine and puppies being pumped through the phone by her voice.

“No thanks.” I said, finding my mental footing. ”I’ve got a good processor now, and I’ve got a contract.”

“Well Americuh Card Processors is really competitive!” Winnie fired back “ And we’ll match any rates by any other processor out there.”

For those who don’t know, card processors are a necessary evil in the retail world. I’ll make it simple: a person buys things from you with a credit/debit card. A card processor makes the money happen for you then, and for their effort they get a percentage of the transaction, if not a flat fee. That handy-dandy credit card you use? It costs not only you money to use it, it costs the store you used it at money to let you use it.

“You’ll match my current rates?” I asked/stated.

“Yes! We just need a copy of any statement from your current processor, and we’ll match the rates!” she gushed at me.

“So, I switch to you, and I get no benefit at all?” I asked her.

“No, no! We’ll < insert multiple promises of better service and fun convenient things here >!” she barraged me with, taking up a valuable four minutes of my life.

“So, I switch to you and I get no benefit at all?” I stated again.

“Umm…”

“Winnie, it does me absolutely no good at all money-wise to get the exact same service rates from you as I would from my current provider. What it costs me is interruption time and paperwork. The offer needs to be better than this.” I say, knowing what’s coming.

“Well, if you give us a copy of your current statement, we can see what we can do.” Winnie trooped on with.

“No. I don’t want you to match my current rates, that does me no good. I want you to beat it. If you can’t give me your lowest rate and it be better than what I’ve already got, what’s the point?” I laid out.

“I see what you mean, but I can’t give you anything like that without knowing what you are getting now. If I can schedule you an appointment with our representative, he can cover these questions.” She countered with.

I pressed with “Does he have any more power than you to deal?”

“Umm… I don’t think so…” Winnie wavered with.

“Then why talk to him at all? What can he do for me that you can’t?” I zeroed in on.

“Well, nothing…” she surrendered this point with.

“Then I’m sorry, Winnie, but there’s no point to me even seeing your guy. I’m sorry, but I’m going to pass on this.” I walled her in with.

“Okay, thank you for your time, and hopefully we can deal with each other in the future!” she retreated with (the sunshine and puppies were back in her voice now).
>click<

I hate phone solicitors.

To discuss.


Posted originally: 2006-10-26 15:35:05

Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:




Comment without an Outhouse Account using Facebook

We get it. You don't feel like signing up for an Outhouse account, even though it's FREE and EASY! That's okay. You can comment with your Facebook account below and we'll take care of adding it to the stream above. But you really should consider getting a full Outhouse account, which will allow you to quote posts, choose an avatar and sig, and comment on our forums too. If that sounds good to you, sign up for an Outhouse account by clicking here.

Note: while you are welcome to speak your mind freely on any topic, we do ask that you keep discussion civil between each other. Nasty personal attacks against other commenters is strongly discouraged. Thanks!
Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:


The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!