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Spandex and Boots #1

Written by Vinny Piccolo on Friday, July 22 2011 and posted in Features

Vinny Piccolo brings us a new feature to the Outhouse showing the similarities between wrestling and comics!


Hey Motherfuckers, It is I, the Crown Prince of Gaylandia, Vinny Piccolo, here to educate you, the plebeians, on an aspect of two of my hobbies and where they intersect. In today's INNAUGURAL EDITION SPECTACULAR of Spandex and Boots, we're going to look at FOREIGN OBJECTS.

Now, you silly bastards, the word foreign in this concept doesn't mean a thread from abroad, so don't call Hacksaw Jim Duggan or Steve Rogers on my ass. No, in this case, the term foreign simply refers to matter out of place. The foreign object is a staple of professional wrestling which more often than not leads to the conclusion of a match or will save or cause a vile beatdown. In comics, it's pretty freaking similar.

Now, we're going to overlook character specific items like Thor's hammer (Or Triple H's sledgehammer), or Captain America's shield (and Cornette's tennis racket). We're going to look for those out of place items that somebody got crushed with and made you go "Holy Shit", where conceivably anybody could have used the object.

And no, we're going to leave out the completely stupid shit like Hawkeye killing terrorists with his fingernails. That shit is retarded.

HERE WE GO! (I'd say let's DO IT ROCKAPELLA, but Bubba would kick my lily white ass).

Starting off our list, it's important to factor in context. Sometimes who you hit is just as important as what you hit them with. It can really make the moment resonate.
A prime example of this is #10 on our countdown, a book case:

In Deathstroke #7, Slade Wilson, the hardcore champion of the DCU beats the living shit out of Batman with a bookcase. The image of the pointy eared bloody lump lying under a book case is indelibly burned into my mind and marked to me the clear boundary of the Batgod era. It also reminded us just how much of a bad ass Deathstroke can be.

As street level heroes, the Bat Clan inevitably ends up on the business end of some shit. Like the Bat father before him, the second Robin also fell victim to a foreign object wielded by the Joker. #9 on our countdown is THE CROWBAR, specifically when the Joker beat the living piss out of Jason Todd (and subsequently blew him up real good). This was a flashpoint moment because it put the Joker back in the spotlight in a brutal and nasty way, and also irrevocably changed the Bat mythos. Little did we know some 15 years later, Jason Todd would give the Joker his receipt in an arc Zechs still claims doesn't exist.

Number #8 is one of my favorites, again, because of who it happens to. I hate the Punisher. I think he's a god-awful one note character who deserves everything bad that's happened to him because it's happened largely due to him being a shortsighted asshole. So in JLA/Avengers, when he got his, I was happy. Batman beating lame ass Frank Castle into a hotdog cart was a wonderful moment, especially because it occurred in a book chock full of wonderful moments.

Number #7 on our countdown is FOR AMERICA on this patriotic week of weeks. Does it get more American than Captain America dropping a tank on the Hulk, or flying an F-15 into a skrull or asking if the letter on his face stands for France? Yes, yes it does dear reader. America loves vigilante justice, and when he beat Pym's ass with an entire construction site, sewer pipes and all? THAT'S AMERICA I CAN BELIEVE IN, SON. Fuck Yeah!

Number #6 on our list belongs to Wolverine, because it's one of my favorite concepts in the "STOLEN FINISHER". Nothing is as soul crushingly humiliating as taking the loss from your own move, and in OLD MAN LOGAN, Red Skull's made a habit of mocking his enemies by taking their gear. So when Wolverine goes into Red Skull's trophy case and finishes him off with a collection of trinkets from Earth's Mightiest Fallen Heroes, it was a pretty good markout moment and comeuppance of the highest order.

Number #5 on our list is the first appearance of the AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, who checks in from not one,but two realities (616 and Ultimate U) where he hit Norman Osborne with a mailbox. There's nothing better than wrapping somebody upside the face with an object that is both heavy, yet oddly crunchy (therefore it really conveys the force of said impact as it wraps around said face), and there may be no person in either Marvel or DC who deserves to get hit with more heavy objects than Norman Osborne. Normie, you've got mail.

Number #4 on our list was a must have on here. The Juggernaut has been on the receiving end of his fair share of lumps, but he's also given them out. He had an oiler tanker explode on him and he's been thrown into space, but when I was a kid he hit the ultimate coupe de grace on Spider-Man and X-Force: Deciding that he had taken enough crap, period, The Juggernaut decided to drop The World Trade Center on them, a stunning display of power in comics that has seen very few equals.

Number 3 on our list introduces a concept called 'the multiplier'. The Multiplier is a common piece of logic in wrestling. If you hit a move, the very same move off the top rope is at least 2 times more powerful and should you hit the same exact move onto a steel chair or through a table? It can be 4 or even 8 times more powerful. In Sinestro Corps War, Arkillo is being a yellow ring slinging version of Kilowog, and 'Wog decides he has had enough of this fools mess and hits him with an aircraft carrier. Pretty impressive, but what if you hit a dude with a flying aircraft carrier? A Heli-carrier if you will (Thanks Dusty Rhodes)? Well, that would be HELLA- COOL. Lo and behold, The Invincible Iron Man does just that in Siege #4, giving us yet another awesome moment with foreign objects.

Number #2 in our countdown is the incomparable ROCKET RACCOON wearing out the all-powerful Gladiator with a mop. Sure, it was actually an elaborate mind fuck, but a testament to Rock's keen tactical mind, nonetheless.

Number 1 on our list is the game changer. It's an object that has no equal in the DCU and whatever pretenders that do exist (like the Cosmic Cube, the Ultimate Nullifier, the Zodiac Key) all come from the Marvel U, but each and every one of those is just as likely to backfire on you and derail your ticket to stardom. Only one object makes you a MAIN EVENT GUY (or Gal!) instantly. Oddly enough, the closest parallel I can draw from the world of wrestling is "The Money in the Bank Briefcase". The wielder of said briefcase gets an instant title shot at the moment of his choosing. You're a main event star once you have that briefcase and guys have made careers from having it in their possession. Likewise, in the Marvel Universe, when you wield #1 on the list, THE INFINITY GAUNTLET, you've become an impact player. And there's no better example of this than Thanos wiping out half of Earth as his shot across the bow to Earth's heroes.

Come back next time as we take a look at the greatest feuds in comics. Later, Gators.

Written or Contributed by: Vinny Piccolo

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About the Author - Christian Hoffer


Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.

 


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