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Two Minutes Hate: Dipshit Comic Concepts

Strict31 lays out some of the worst comic book concepts in comics!


Okay.  So, there is Incredible Hulk: Bruce Banner. Gamma radiation. TV show. Movies. He gets pissed off, bad shit happens. But wait...

She-Hulk: Bruce's cousin, Jennifer Walters. Blood transfusion from Bruce. Tturns into a tall green sexy version of herself. Is a lawyer. Only smashes things when it's that time of the month.

Red Hulk: Wait...wut? Red hulk is the general who used to hunt regular Hulk. Became popular despite being one of the dumbest comic characters of all time.

Red She-Hulk: Um...Is Bruce's girlfriend, Betty. In twist of irony that strains definition of the word, she is also the daughter of Red Hulk. That's Liv Tyler's character in the last Hulk movie. Yeah. That chick.

That's four goddamn Hulks. But wait! Needs more smashing. So...

Skaar: Hulk's son (wut?). He had sex with some alien chick. So, he's half-kid, half-alien and ALL-HULK.

Savage She-Hulk: Hulk's daughter. He screwed some other alien chick named...wait for it: Thundra. Pimpin': is not easy. Unless you're the muthafuckin' Hulk.

Let's not forget, there was also Ultimate Hulk. He ripped Ultimate Wolverine in half. Ultimate Wolverine got better, though. Ultimate Hulk eats bitches. And not in a sexy innuendo sorta way. He shit out several nurses at one point. Also, Ultimate Hulk loves rape. Not making any of that up.

There's also Demon Hulk. When regular Hulk has nightmares, he dreams of becoming Demon Hulk. Yeah...I dunno.

Then there's Emperor Hulk, who is also Old Hulk. In the distant future, Hulk is really old and has become like emperor of the universe and stuff. And he's evil. Doesn't smash people, he smashes entire political systems.

And Hulk: 2099. You know what? Let's just...not.

It ain't easy being green. And DC has proven this with Green Lantern.

First there was Alan Scott, who didn't wear so much green, actually. Only comic fanboys know or care who in the hell he is.

Then, Hal Jordan. Test pilot. Best known Green Lantern. Horribly miscast as Ryan Reynolds. Went insane, destroyed the Green Lantern Corps and died. Got better. Blames evil on a giant yellow space beast.

Guy Gardner: Replacement for Hal. Total dick. Got knocked the fuck out by Batman. Of course.

Kyle Rayner: A comic book artist who became the last GL after Hal went nuts. Serious inferiority complex. And with good reason, because he got the short end of the stick when Hal came back from the dead.

John Stewart: the black Green Lantern.  Is best known for being in the Justice League cartoon. Really digs on chicks from space with big butts. I cannot lie.

The Green Lantern Corps is like a police force from space. There are thousands of members from different planets who keep the peace in space by handing out speeding tickets to anyone going faster than the speed of light. To become a Green Lantern, you have to have the strongest willpower. Willpower controls the green power ring each Lantern is given, which provides their remarkable powers.

Green is cool.

Except against yellow. Remember that evil yellow space beast I mentioned before? He's the reason why the Green Lanterns are powerless against the color yellow. Okay, on second thought, forget the evil yellow space beast. 'Tis a silly thing.

Enter Sinestro: former GL. Total dick. Gets a yellow power ring and starts a bunch of shit with the GLC. Then, he gets an entire Corps of evil guys using yellow power rings. Their power comes from the ability to cause great fear.

Big war happens.

But now, it's "taste the rainbow" time, because if there's green and yellow, there gots ta be other colors. MOAR ACTION FIGURES!!!

Red Lanterns: the power of anger. They fly through space vomiting blood on people and being angry. Understandably so.

Purple Lanterns (Violet? Whutevah): the power of love. All hot chicks in swimsuits.

Blue Lanterns: the power of courage or hope or some such shit.

Orange Lanterns: the power of greed. There's just one guy, but I'm guessing he's way too big to fail.

Indigo Lanterns: the power of compassion. A Corps of lesbian folk singers, IMO.

White Lanterns: the power of life. They really hate these next guys...

Black Lanterns: the power of death. Black power for Black Lanterns. Their symbol resembles an upraised fist, because fried chicken and watermelon would be too subtle an image for DC comics.

Like I said, it ain't easy being green in comics.

I don't even have a point with this shit. I just wanted to lay it all out so that people could see how dipshit it is.

Written or Contributed by: Strict31
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About the Author - Christian Hoffer


Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.

 


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