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I Serve My Shorts with Delicious A-1 Steaksauce!!!!

Written by wisdom000 on Monday, October 30 2006 and posted in Features
Written by Wisdom000 My name is Wisdom000, and I am a geek…. I have been getting some complaints and criticisms lately, directly and indirectly, and I am going to take this opportunity to address them… Honesly, I have never been quite sure what Hawk was thinking when he gave me a column, and I have never been quite [...]

Written by Wisdom000

My name is Wisdom000, and I am a geek….

I have been getting some complaints and criticisms lately, directly and indirectly, and I am going to take this opportunity to address them…

Honesly, I have never been quite sure what Hawk was thinking when he gave me a column, and I have never been quite sure what to write. I had never really entertained the idea of a regular column, and am still trying to figure out how to go about it. There are plenty of columns up about comics, the state of the industry, and just fandom in general. I wanted to write something different. Originally I was just going to use the column as a big running joke, and to some extent it still is, but at the same time, I am using it to rant about the small things that no one seems to notice about the way our world is evolving and the things we allow to happen without paying attention to. The little bitty things that actually add up to the detraction of our characters and personalities. The tiny fads and trends people jump onto without realizing the kind of society they are creating. Sometimes the point I am trying to get across is simple, sometimes it’s a bit harder to fully illustrate these opinions with words.

Sometimes, even I have to admit, I go a wee bit to far. In these instances, the meaning behind what I am saying can’t fully come out until a discussion has been formed. Not everything can be summed up in just a few paragraphs, especially when dealing with abstract ideas about our personalities, habits, and the way we view or interpret things. In fact, no topic should ever be summed up with an article, they should always promote discussion, actively with the author of the article. We no longer live in a time when geographic or social distances prevent us from forming these active discussions. Too many journalists have grown fat and lazy, using their columns as a shield. Growing off their ego and feeling safe behind the fact that they never have to back up or explain what they are talking about. Even the few who do promote active discussion generally only do so with their loyal fan base, careful to never say anything that would divide that fanbase, resting comfortable in the knowledge that these sycophants will defend them on principle alone. I don’t have that problem, I have fans certainly, but they are never going to agree with me all the time, because quite frankly, I make people queasy, even the ones who like me. In short, I write these articles as a way of beginning a discussion, they are not complete statements, and they do not wrap up my feelings. They merely open the doors so that we might have a dialogue, which is the true beauty of the internet. I apologize if sometimes my ideas are half formed, that can be discouraging to my readers, but who knows, maybe my mind will change when more sides of the issue have been brought to the table. A statement is a dead end, it is spewed forth once and left to rot. A discussion on the other hand grows, it mutates and evolves, it moves in unforseen directions and if you are lucky, that discussion will stay on topic, and if you are really lucky, that discussion might open a few windows and allow people to see things differently.

On to the next subject of contension….. my penchant for turning your stomach through the use of fowl imagery and metaphoric abominations. I am not gonna apologize for this nor am I going to cut back. That’s who I am. If it is too much for you, then perhaps you should stop reading my column. Some people like roller coasters, some people like merry-go-rounds…… I like to think of my column as that crazy octopus ride where half the people regurgitate the second they get off, and the other half run back for another spin. Some people are gonna recognize it as humor and laugh, some people are just going to say “good bloody God, I am gonna be sick, what is wrong with that dude!”. Personally, my sense of humor makes me laugh, what makes me laugh even more is the reaction it recieves. That’s just my sense of humor. It’s like the film Dead Alive, one of the funniest points in the movie is the dining room scene where Mom squirts pus from her monkey bite into a guest’s pudding, and without knowing, the man eats it, delaring “Just the way I like it, rich and creamy!”. Now I have personally witnessed people run from the room in abject horror and disgust from this scene, I on the other hand laugh uproarisouly, both at the disgusting thing I have just seen, and at their reaction. If my words can evoke this, then I am definately pleased and sated, and I will take all the satisfaction of Wide Load from “Stand By Me” at witnessing the havoc I have unleashed.

Or I could just have a big ego that needs to be fed…

Is my column always going to have a point? No, sometimes its just going to be me ranting like an idiot who just discovered lint in his belly button. Is there a central theme to my articles? Nope, it’s going to be whatever I feel like ranting about, sometimes it will be serious and hopefully thought provoking, sometimes it will be taking a light poke at the little things around us, and sometimes I am just gonna ramble on about the crazy color of the fungus under my toe nail.

Is my column ever going to be enjoyed by everyone, probably not. But then, it’s not really written for everyone. In fact, nothing out there is written for everyone. Some people like Disney, some people like George Romero. Most people like both, at least to an extent. Likewise some people are going to read my column, and disagree with everything I have to say, some people are going to love it, some are going to read it once then run away screaming and clothes-pinning their eyelids shut so they never take the chance of reading anything like this again. But at the end of the day, I write my column as much for my own entertainment as I do for your’s. There are moments when I look at some hideous description of an unspeakable act I have written and think to myself, “Holy Christ, did I really just say that…”, but thats just me, and I won’t apologize for it, because I am not sorry.

Like I said, I have never been quite sure why Hawk gave me a column, and its entirely possible that he may regain his sanity and take this column away from me. If he does, I won’t fault him for that. Hell, if it comes down to it, I will stop writing it before I censor myself. In the meantime, I hope at least some of you out there are enjoying what I am saying, and I hope the rest of you out there who do manage to make it through one these rants can find it in yourselves to recognize that for the most part I am trying, in my own unique way, to bring a little enlightenment around, and make the world a better place, even if occasionally I do have a rather vile way of going about it.

As one final note of warning, you may want to stop reading here if my gift for turning your stomach bothers you…….. this is the last warning I am going to give on that subject.

I have in my possession a mold of the reverend Fred Phelps’ head, I am filling this mold, ever so slowly with my love yogurt and keeping it in my freezer. It will take many many sessions of furiously materbasting to Japanese Cosplay porn before I finish my masterpiece, but in the end I will have a bust of Fred Phelps made entirely out of human semen. I plan on diplaying this prominently at the site of one of his protests, hopefully in full summer. It should be interesting to watch it melt, and I hope to release large amount of houseflies when it starts to become unrecognizable….. the reulting conflagration among the congregation should be nothing short of mesmerizing….. To my detractors I ask you this…. which is truly more vile, a large block of frozen semen, covered in flies and melting in the hot summer sun, or the vile hatred spewing forth from this supposed religious leader?


Posted originally: 2006-10-30 19:54:36

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