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Strictly Speaking (2/01/2009)

 Superbowl Shuffle

lingeriebowl.jpgThat get your attention, fanboy? Of course it didn't, because it lacks warp nacelles! This week, Strictly Speaking provides play by play coverage of whores in the works of Frank Miller. Then, we go offsides with a particularly freaky auction of BSG stuff. For charity and shit. Then, we go into overtime with a look at some of the blockbuster movie trailers you can't wait to despise! Remember, I'm not here to cause no trouble; I'm just here to do the superbowl shuffle!!!

Let's get something straight here. This might be the "Super Bowl Edition" of Strictly Speaking, but as a self-respecting geek, I'm more interested in space bitches than cheerleading bitches. Space bitches are too busy trying to assimilate your "technology" to ever scream, "If you keep following me, I'm going to call the cops!"

Just so we're clear on that.

SIN CITY!! AIIIIEEEE!!!!

Speaking of bitches, here's something that caught my eye. Toplessrobot.com's Jason F.C. Clarke did a list of the 6 hints that Frank Miller might have issues with whores. Er...women. This is some good stuff:

Once upon a time, Frank Miller was an American comics superstar on par with Brits like Neil Gaiman and Alan Moore. His early work on Daredevil, Wolverine, Ronin and his revitalization of Batman with The Dark Knight Returns are the stuff of comics legend. But nowadays, ol' Frank seems to have lost his way. Maybe it was the whole mess with the Robocop 2 screenplay. Maybe the success of films of his works like 300 and Sin City just went to his head. But thanks to comics like All-Star Batman and Robin and films like The Spirit, many fans are beginning to wonder whether Miller's sanity (or at least his artistic credibility) has gone gently into that dark night.

Chief among our concerns is women--dames--broads. Frank likes to write "gritty" comics, and that mainly means women who will have sex at the drop of a hat for money, power, or an unhealthy attraction to a sociopath (or any combination therein). Frankly, women don't fare very well in Miller's works...almost as if he has some kind of deep-seated issues with the fairer sex. Can this possibly be true? Hold onto your Miller-brand fedora, because we've discovered six amazing clues that it might just be.

Check out the rest of the article here.

Now, Frank Miller stopped being my idol roughly around the time the credits rolled on Robocop 2. I've never sucked back a cup of that particular kool-aid.

But it is a fact of science that Sin City and 300 kicked asses. five-days-of-sin-the-ladies-of-sin-city-small.jpg

Still, it is hard to ignore Miller's increasing characterization of whores as...er...I mean women as whores. If not outright hookers, then certainly bitches of questionable morals.

I know what you're thinking: "Strict, you are a hypocrite! You call women 'bitches' all the time."

Bitch, please. That's just a damn lie. I only call them bitches when none of them are within earshot. Plus, all humans are bitches equally in the eyes of Strict. So let's not get it twisted. I'm just as offended as any of you when whores...er...women end up in refrigerators.

It's especially blatant when it seems the only female characters the dude can write are in some way beholden to the desires of men: hookers, strippers, rape victims, etc. That seems to be their primary motivation.

To educate some of you knee-jerk sum'bitches out there, that's the key to recognizing a derogatory portrayal of a female character: when her only motivation revolves around her sex or some shit a man desires.

Now, this don't make the dude's brilliant works any less works of brilliance. It just casts them into perhaps a different light. I mean, I'd like to think he'll stop naming strippers after his niece, but that panel of Batman and Black Canary grinding their giblets ain't particularly encouraging.

I'm gonna make this pledge here and now. I will stop using the term "bitches" if Frank can write a story that doesn't involve female characters being cast in the literal or metaphorical role of whores.

 

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You didn't think I was serious, did you...?

BSG Auctions Dresses to Nerds

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Alright, alright. I admit it. I'm a geek. Sure, I have problems engaging in lengthy conversations that don't reference the commission date of the USS Enterprise or how old Princess Leia was when she got her period. But you can't be serious. There's muthafuckas out there willing to pay to get Tricia Helfer's used clothes?

Wait, what the hell am I saying. Of course there are. Check this out:

http://scifiwire.com/2009/01/some-of-the-cool-battlestar-stuff-being-auctioned-off.php

Maybe in the safest, most innocent sunlit corners of our imaginations, we can hope that somewhere, some curvy, sexafied lady is just so much a fan of BSG and Tricia Helfer, that she's got a powerful hankerin' to throw on that little red dress that Number Sex jiggled around the sets in.

But more likely, it's the comic shop guy from Simpsons. And that dress is the last component he needs before he can start his own experiments to see if a skinjob can get laid. $13,000 and worth every penny! So what if it smells like Booty-Sweat? That's what we likes ta call "provenance," bitch.

I'm not sure I'd care to pick up Colonel Tigh's frakin' liquor bottles...not unless they're filled with some fine Caprican ripple. But that Viper looks nice. Notice how they don't mention a price for that one? If you gotta ask, you can't afford it anyway. It probably gets better mileage than Starbuck's hummer, though.

I reckon it's all good, because it's for charity. I don't exactly know what charity, but whatevah. Just let me know when a pair of Dualla's underwear become available. I require them for special...research.

Don't you dare look at me like that.

Bowling for Trailers

Okay, so it's that time of the year when we watch the Superbowl and pretend to give a shit about what they're trying to sell us. You know, I reckon I'm just about capable of mustering up even less concern for dancing lizards and vitamin water than last year. And I'm certain I am not interested in the wonders of FedEx.

But you know what does interest me? The same thing that interests you:

Movie trailers.

I'm particularly interested in the Transformers trailer. Luckily, darkhorizons.com has provided the hook up, and is pimping a shitload of trailers, consolidated for your viewing convenience:

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news/13077/the-2009-superbowl-film-spots/

Okay, I never held a special place in my heart for Transformers, so I don't feel that the first movie punched my childhood in the balls. However, GI Joe? Don't even trip. Because like the man says, knowing is half the battle.

Unfortunately, it seems Hollywood has to be reminded of something else the good Sarge taught us: "the price of liberty is eternal vigilance." Check the trailer, and then come back and look at these fly-ass screen-caps.

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gijoe_14small.jpg

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Did you catch it? That's right. No Cold Slither. How in the fuck are you gonna make a GI Joe movie without Cold Slither? You'll be joining them soon! They weren't playing around, bitches! One of the grandest schemes ever devised by Cobra, and it's utterly absent. This movie will therefore be a travesty! Not even Scarlet's fine ass can make up for this ommission. It is a slap in the face of Joedom. Maybe instead of Stephen Sommers, they should have had Dr. Mindbender create a director composed of the DNA from the greatest directors in history.

Just one question:

What in the blue hell is Snake-Eyes wearing?joe002bk0small.jpg

 

 

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The Outhouse is sponsored this week by Late Nite Draw. Recently featured on ComicsAlliances' Best Art Ever, he is a Chicago-based commissioned artist with a self-published Digital+Print one-shot coming out in October about the abominable snowman called ABOBAMANIMABBLE, and is also available for commissions. Check out some amazing art by clicking here or by clicking the banner at the top, and support the people who support The Outhouse.


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