Monday, June 18, 2018 • Midnight Edition • "For when life fails you."

Strictly Speaking

Written by Strict31 on Monday, March 16 2009 and posted in Features
2099_timestorm_window.jpgThis week, I take some time away from playing video games to give you a look at all the things that make geeks spooge. First we take a look at George Lucas's upcoming live-action Star Wars TV show. Then, we'll find out what DC's got in store for Batman. After that, we'll take a trip to the year 2099 with Brian Reed. Next, we'll see why DC's next cartoon has made Jeph Loeb Public Enemy number one. And finally, we'll find out the real reason why Marvel pushed the Avengers movie back a year.

Strict is weary this weekend. There are two reasons for this. First, as usual, his path is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil bitches. That’s just the way Strict rolls: beset.

The second reason is because of this goddamned Force Unleashed game. You know, I dig on some Star Wars, but I am sick to death of shit like Clones and Sith being paraded as heroes. So, I swore a blood oath upon the bodies of a thousand lesser geeks: Never would I buy this game.

But a buddy of mine picked it up at a discount and finished it in less than a week. And he let me borrow it. So, despite shying away from it because of the reviews and the sheer over-the-top, ball-punching absurdity, I decided, well, that’s a muthafuckin bargain.

And while I find myself vaguely interested in the story and the prospect of using Force Lightning on bitch-ass storm troopers, the gameplay has got me down. It really sucks. The targeting system was designed by drop-out retards. For the purposes of clarification, those are retards who have dropped out of retard school, because they kept forgetting to wear their math helmets. Safety first, after all.

Additionally…and I can’t get past this…this dude is a Sith muthafuckin warrior, right? With a goddamn lightsaber. So why is it that primitive ass natives with sticks are whupping his ass? Rancors are easier to kill than these primitive sum’bitches. This is a dude who can steer a Star Destroyer with the sheer power of his rocking, but a bunch of tribal bitches with sticks can hold their own.

It’s the Force. Unleash it, already.

But anyway…

What The Fuck is it With Prequels?

star_wars_logo_small.jpgSince we’re already talking Star Wars, might as well keep it going. reported that George Lucas is ready to start casting his live action Star Wars TV series:

According to Lucas, the show will focus on minor characters from the saga and be set in the time period between “Revenge of the Sith” (Episode III) and the original “Star Wars” (Episode IV). The action will follow the Rebel Alliance as it slowly gains strength against the Empire. There will be Stormtroopers, but no Jedi or Darth Vader will appear on screen. As he did with the “Clone Wars” series, Lucas will write and shoot an entire year’s worth of episodes before looking for a cable channel on which to air the series.

Thus, with casting just now moving forward, it looks to be quite some time before fans will be able to catch some live-action “Star Wars” on the small screen.

Why is it that George Lucas seems well and truly determined to tell us stories whose endings we already goddamn know? It’s like, Okay, Prequel trilogy, right? Anakin? I bet he grows up to become evil and shit. Roll end credits. Natalie Portman? I’m guessing she dies since ain’t nobody in the Original Trilogy ever mentioned her ass. Throw in some CGI Muppets and Jar-Jar to distract us and boom. Box office sensation.

So, now, we got another prequel series. But it’s slightly less prequely, because it’s closer to the start of Ep. 4. Lemme guess how this one ends: Um…I’m gonna say with the Empire ruling the galaxy with an iron fist? Yeah, and I had Sixth Sense figured out by the dinner scene, too.

Ain’t there any new stories to tell? Was it that three movies just wasn’t enough to show everything Lucas wanted to show? Maybe we need to show Aayla Secura being shot about seventy more times by Clones or something.

And no Jedi. Okay, that makes sense since most of them were cacked in the last movie. But you know…Star Wars without Jedi? Didn’t Joss Whedon call that “Firefly”? And maybe it’s just me, but I’m thinking that bodes ill for Ahsoka Tano from Star Wars: The Clone Wars. I just don’t think you’re long for this world, kiddo. Much to the sorrow of bent-ass fans with Photoshop and too much time on their hands…You get a lotta weird shit when you Google “Ahsoka in lingerie.” I’m just sayin’…

Tell All Your Friends. I’m Batman. No, Not That One… gave us a cool video interview with the folks at DC behind the relaunch of the Batman titles. In the aftermath of Battle for the Cowl, DC plans to give us a new dawn of the Dark Knight, with several new books and several new (or slightly used) characters. Check the interview here:

Also, check out the art from Frank Quitely. I personally can’t stand Quitely’s work, but I hear tell he’s what you call a “fan favorite.”


So, everyone seems to be talking about this Red Robin character as if it’s established it’ll be Tim Drake. Okay…cool, I guess. Ain’t too many new characters DC’s made that get their own titles over and over again.

But Batwoman? I’m as meh about her as I was when DC first started pimping her as their go-to lesbian heroine during 52. It just seemed DC was trying to sell her on the merits of being a lesbian, as opposed to making her an interesting character. And the most important thing she did in 52 was lip-wrassle with Renee Montoya. I mean, I dig on lipstick lesbians and shit. Without them, what would Internet Porn be except for two ugly bitches shitting in a cup? But I’m just not sure it’s what you would call a character trait.

How about Gotham City Sirens? Well, at the very least, it will probably be packed wall-to-wall with a generous amount of comic book ass.

Lookit, about the only book I’m managing to give a shit about is The Outsiders. But I gotta ask. Alfred? Serious? Does washing the Batman’s tights qualify Alfred to lead a team of superheroes? Really? And at this point in their already extensive careers, do the Outsiders need a butler to tell them who to knock the fuck out? I mean, Black Lightning’s on the JLA for god’s sake. He may have picked up some shit by now. You know?

Plus, I’m hoping they’re not gonna be limited to Gotham. Sending the entire Outsiders team to take down the Mad Hatter might be a bit overkill.

I dunno, consider this another chapter of Strict’s ongoing dissatisfaction with comics, but DAMN. Even when they try to go for something new, they just end up screwing it into the same old socket. There was a question posed in the Justice League Unlimited animated series: Does the world need a Batman?” The answer in the show was “Yes,” and ironically, it led one of the characters into cramming the cowl down Terry McGuiness’s throat. Same thing is happening here.

You’re not gonna revitalize your comics by wrapping the same old label around a bottle with a different shape, guys. I’m not saying, “Bruce Wayne or GTFO.” I’m saying, instead of squeezing out the same old cleveland steamers with a different smell, maybe poop out an intact corn on the cob for a change. Wrapped in bacon.

Party Like It’s 2099

2099_timestorm_copy.jpgLet’s take a look at some more comic news, with cbr’s interview with Marvel’s Brian Reed about the upcoming April event “Timestorm.”

When Reed accepted the “Timestorm” assignment, he sat down and spent an entire week researching the history of the 2099 universe. “I read everything from the first issue of ‘Spider-Man 2099’ to the final issue of the line where it went a thousand years into the future. I came back to my editor Bill Rosemann and said, ‘What this needs is the ‘New Universal’ [the mini-series where writer Warren Ellis re-introduced readers to characters and ideas from Marvel’s “New Universe”] treatment.’ It’s a really solid concept that I don’t think has aged well enough for us to just pull it off the shelf and put it back the way it was,” Reed told CBR News. “I got instant approval from him and Tom Brevoort to do just that, and what I’ve really done is study what Warren Ellis did with ‘New Universal’ and what Brian Bendis did with ‘Ultimate Spider-Man.’ There were good lessons there and I wanted to apply them to ‘2099.’

Check the whole interview here.

I will admit, revitalizing the dated 2099 concepts sounds kinda cool. And the art looks great. But it just wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t bitching about something. So, here it is:

This concept sounds like a cool idea. I just wish Marvel didn’t feel the need to promote it by chaining it to the books of current Marvel titles. I know why they’re doing it; if you cross-promote the event with the regular Spidey titles, you gain the regular Spidey audience.

But as I bitched about DC, so too shall I bitch about Marvel: they both need to take more chances. It seems to me that this new idea Reed has for 2099 is bigger than a crossover. I mean, I don’t want my Spider-Man 2099 getting all Mephisto’ed up by Spider-Man 2009. I don’t really give a shit what Spider-Man 2009 has to say about Spider-Man 2099. I just don’t.

I like the idea of Reed taking a page from Warren Ellis’s take on New Universal. Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time Reed latched onto an Ellis idea. I just think Reed tends to suffer a bit of reliance on the crossover mentality; uses it as a crutch.

But whutevah. I’m interested in anything that gets away from the rut of Marvel’s regular playground.

We Can’t Get Rid of This Guy…

superman-batman-public-enemies.jpgIn comic movie news, DC Animated is taking the opportunity to shove some more Jeph Loeb down our throats. After giving us Red Hulk (Rulk) pimp-slapping the Watcher, and thoroughly crapping on Heroes, Jeph Loeb soldiers onward. Warner Animation announced its follow-up feature to Green Lantern: has the scoop:


United States President Lex Luthor uses the oncoming trajectory of a
kryptonite asteroid to frame Superman and declare a $1 billion bounty
on the heads of the Man of Steel and his “partner in crime” Batman.
Super heroes and super villains alike launch a relentless pursuit of
Superman and Batman, who must unite – and recruit super help – to
stave off the action-packed onslaught, stop the asteroid, and uncover
Luthor’s devious plot to take command of far more than North America.

Now, I read that particular story arc, and all I’ve got to say is: will you people please stop buying anything with Loeb’s name on it? Okay, this was the story arc in which Superman gets shot point blank in the chest with a kryptonite bullet. Now, for those who may have never read a Superman comic or haven’t seen every other episode of Smallville, Kryptonite is that shit that kills Superman.

On the surface, it might seem like a brilliant plot to kill Superman. The big blue dumb-ass just stands in front of guns to let bullets bounce off his pecs, so you replace a normal bullet with a kryptonite bullet and WHAMMO! You’ve got a surefire way to cack a super man.

Except it doesn’t kill him. It weakens him a little bit. But he’s still tough enough to survive having C-4 strapped to his back. He’s still tough enough to survive being electrocuted. He’s still tough enough to then walk through the sewers to the Batcave. Oh, and HE’S STILL TOUGH ENOUGH TO SURVIVE BEING SHOT IN THE FUCKING CHEST WITH THE VERY SHIT THAT KILLS HIS ASS.

And this was the same story arc in which a giant robot is built to destroy a giant kryptonite asteroid heading for Earth. This wouldn’t be so bad except the giant robot looked like Superman on one half and Batman on the other.

Who does that, huh?

This is the story they’re using for the next DC Animated feature.

Some folks were asking, “Well what about the Flash?” Wonder Woman get her story. Green Lantern got his. Why not the Flash? Or the Teen Titans feature that’s supposed to be coming out.

I mean…don’t get me wrong. I realize it’s the Internet, and it’s fashionable to hate on stuff. And I’ve done more than my share of bashing comic book creators. But I do it out of a twisted sense of love. Not unlike the love a pimp shows to his ho through the strength of his pimp hand. It’s the sort of love that yells, “Straighten up and fly right, bitch!”

But I’ve given Jeph Loeb a chance, guys. I really have. I didn’t go into Superman/Batman thinking it would suck balls. That’s just sorta how things turned out. Shit is shit. You can give it a chance to not smell like shit, but 9 times out of 10, shit is going to disappoint you. And if you bury your nose in shit a tenth time, well, that’s on you, because as science and logic both dictate…

Shit is shit.

Perhaps the only saving grace from that story was Ed McGuiness’s art. It’s heavily stylized and is another of those fan favorite sorta things. But it really took the edge off of Loeb’s shit. Maybe the movie will feature an art style derived from McGuiness’s work. I could see that working.

Okay, okay, I’m just trying to end this on a positive note. Ya caught me, Sherlock.

Dude, You Are Sooo Money

favreau_iron_man38_small.jpgLast up is some more comic movie news, this time from Marvel. We all heard about Marvel pushing back the release date of the Avengers movie from 2011 to 2012.

But has some welcome news:

"The Avengers is delayed a year because of financing issues but also because the plan is for Favreau to helm it. Everybody here loves the guy and he wants to do it, but it would have been impossible for him to do before the date change given his Iron Man 2 commitments.

Also partly the reason why he agreed to do the Stark sequel on such an accelerated schedule was so he could get given first dibs on this. It would still be a punishing schedule for him, so he's not firmly confirmed yet, but he is certainly the presumptive director at this point."

Okay, so…every so often, something involving comics, movies and sci-fi occurs that leaves me with nothing negative whatsoever to say. Which in most cases, leaves me speechless. The news that Favreau is planned to helm Avengers is like…it’s like hearing that your parents are gonna redecorate your room with jiggling titties.

Yeah…exactly like that. Only less…creepy. Okay. Back to Force Unleashed.




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