Friday, June 22, 2018 • Midnight Edition • "That smell was here before we went in."

Your Top Modern Characters part 27

Written by Chris Mitchell on Wednesday, March 18 2009 and posted in Features
Top List
Doom's worst nightmare is in this bunch. And I so hate the character.


248. Four Characters (9 points each)

Squirrel Girl squirrelgirl.jpg

Year first appeared: 1992

Damn you, Marvel. DAMN YOU!!

Squirrel Girl started her career at age 14 trying to be sidekick to Iron Man with her pet squirrel Monkey Joe. After politely declining her offer Iron Man and Squirrel Girl were captured by Doctor Doom, however Doom would become one of the many of enemies who would be the first villain defeated by her for underestimating her power.

Squirrel Girl was next seen joining the Great Lakes Avengers after saving them from muggers, witnessing Grasshopper die, and defeating Maelstrom. Monkey Joe was soon killed by rejected GLA member Leather Boy in a Doctor Doom suit. She was soon partnered with Tippy Toe, her new squirrel sidekick. She was able to defeat Thanos, Terrax, and M.O.D.O.K and was offered a position at SHIELD because of the number of villains she has beaten but declined.

She is one of the few mutants retaining their powers after M-Day. Squirrel Girl has a big crush on Speedball A.K.A Penance and tried to get him to change back to his old ways even going so far as using a time machine in Latveria that belongs to Doctor Doom, to go to the past but accidentally goes to the future. After meeting an alternate Speedball and Mr. Immortal she is told she has things to do in the past mainly kicking Deadpool out the group.

Squirrel Girl has many squirrel like powers. She has superhuman strength and agility. She can leap several stories. She has 2-3 inch retractable knuckle spikes that can slice wood. Buckteeth that can chew wood. A 3-4 feet long prehensile tail. She has sharp claws on each digit that can be used for climbing. She can speak and understand squirrel's language and they seem to be able to understand her speaking English. This is often the means for which she defeats her more powerful enemies as she can summon large armies of squirrels for help. She seems to have an enhanced sense of smell. Her eyes glow in low light so she may have supervision


Manhattan Guardian

Year first appeared: 2007

Jake Jordan was an unemployed ex-police officer, looking for work. He had quit the police force after shooting a 13 year-old boy, Tyree Plantain, he had mistaken for the drug dealer that killed his partner. His two years of unemployment ended when he applied for a job at the Manhattan Guardian, a newspaper that relied on a Newsboy Legion for its stories. Arriving for the interview, Jake discovered the building under attack. The newspaper's founder, Ed Stargard, appeared on a television screen asking Jake to rescue him, on the 23rd floor. Jake fought his way up, past gunmen and even a golem before reaching Stargard. There he revealed that the entire incident was a test and that Jake had made it further than any other applicant. Stargard also new all about Jake’s troubled past. He offered Jake the job and he accepted. Jake was to be the Manhattan Guardian's crime-fighting figurehead.

Jake's first assignment is to cover a disturbance on the N Line at the 8th Street station. He realizes that that is were he is to meet his fiancée, Carla and her father, Larry. The experimental Guardian Mobile he is provided with fails to start, so Jake is forced to use a pizza delivery scooter provided by one of the newsboys. In the subway station, he confronts the Manhattan Pirates, homeless people who travel on old subway trains. He finds a wounded Larry on the platform who tells him they have Carla on one of their trains. Jake takes of in pursuit, but is forced to stop when the train travels through a wall. Jake is helped by a rival pirate, Captain No-Beard, who is after the same treasure as Carla's kidnapper, Captain All-beard. With the pirates' help, Jake rescues Carla, but when they return to the surface, Larry has died and Carla breaks up with Jake.

Jake's next assignment has him tackling renegade robots at a theme park designed to represent the world's ethnic groups, if the world had 100 people. Jake tackles the robots, defending the tourists and staff, one of whom is the wife of the man responsible who reveals this is an attempt to get her disguised as a terrorist attack. The Newsboys then parachute in, armed, to give Jake support in stopping the robots. Jake goes with the police as they arrest the phony terrorist

Jake heads back to the Manhattan Guardian office, ready to quit as his job has cost too much. There he discovers Stargard is still physically a baby, albeit an old one. Stargard then explains that he was part of the original Newsboy Legion, seven gifted children who had amazing adventures. During one of their adventures, they discovered a Sheeda faerie manipulating a prizefighter. Stargard deduced that the faerie had come from Slaughter Swamp and so the Newsboys went to investigate. There they discover a house full of Sheeda faeries and that they are targeting groups of seven, as it had been predicted that only seven soldiers could defeat the Sheeda.

That was the last of the Newsboy's adventures, each of the seven led tragic lives, thanks to the Sheeda Time Tailor. Stargard alone was able to prepare for the coming invasion. Stargard and Larry had planned on Jake becoming a hero and that he along with the other six would never know each other to prevent the Sheeda attacking them before they were ready. By this point, the Sheeda are attacking the building to get to Stargard, who tells Jake to leave. Jake calls Carla to say he is on his way, he then picks up Stargard and readies to fight his way through the Sheeda army with him and his secretary/nurse, Lena.

Hero gets Girl.



weasal.jpgYear first appeared: 1993

Weasel attended the same college Peter Parker did. If not for a time traveling Deadpool posing as Peter Parker and taking Weasel on a drinking binge, Weasel's life as an A student wouldn't have been ruined, ending up with him as a loser specializing in technology.

He eventually became a weapons dealer and partner to Deadpool, as well as a somewhat reluctant friend.

Weasel's friendship with Deadpool took him to Madripoor where he was present during the hunt for Tolliver's will, wherein Deadpool, Copycat, Garrison Kane and Slayback were all seeking out what the late and mysterious Mr. Tolliver's weapons cache contained. This mission, like others Weasel would accompany Deadpool on, would nearly cost him his life; though Weasel isn't quite as defenseless as his meek demeanor might suggest as, at one point during this story he defends himself against the mercenary Comcast; shooting him in the head.

Later, Weasel develops a strange relationship with Deadpool's live-in buddy/hostage, "Blind Al". Blind Al is easily twice Weasel's age and is a frail old woman and yet Weasel is compelled to spend time with her while Deadpool isn't around, against Deadpool's wishes. On one such occasion Deadpool catches Weasel in his house and locks both Weasel and Blind Al in "the box"; a room bereft of light but full of pointed objects, both stationary and swinging to jab themselves upon. Somehow or other, after this, Weasel and Deadpool still manage to patch things up.

He once took control of a Hydra base, becoming their leader and inventing the "Penetrator," a device that provided much innuendo and could also teleport people anywhere. He equipped all of the Hydra agents with one, and had the devices programmed to send them away. Wolverine attacked the base, not realizing that Weasel was just executing an elaborate plan. Wolverine damaged the armor, and Weasel quickly tried to explain that it was called the penetrator armor, and that he was trying to remove the agents from the base. The damaged penetrator then sent Weasel, Deadpool, and Bob, Agent of HYDRA, tumbling through space and time, although Weasel was separated from the other two.



Year first appeared: 1992

Spartan was an android constructed by Lord Emp, using technology from the rogue island of Gamorra. Yohn Kohl's memories were locked away and Emp worked on perfecting the android.

When Emp assembled the Covert Action Team, also known as WildC.A.T.s, in the 90s to fight the Daemonites, Spartan was chosen to lead them. At first, he seemed to be devoid of any emotion, but over time, he started to develop feelings for his teammate Voodoo. During a mission to stop the Daemonite Lords from reactivating their old spaceship, the Kheran spaceship was found instead. The ship was about to explode though, so the WildC.A.T.s boarded the ship to fly it out of the Earth's atmosphere. The ship exploded and the WildC.A.T.s were presumed dead except for Spartan, whose body had been severely damaged before. Stormwatch, the U.N. superhuman team, repaired Spartan and he joined the team for a short while, but sacrificed himself in a mission.

Meanwhile, the WildC.A.T.s hadn't died, but in fact activated the ship's hyperdrive that took them back to Khera. On Khera, they discovered that the war had ended millennia ago and that the Kherubim had won. Emp had taken Spartan's backup disc along and installed it in a Spartan Guard on Khera. This body was far more advanced due to the superior Kheran technology. Spartan was appointed as Emp's bodyguard, but used his free time to check on his friends. He discovered a plot to assassinate Zealot, but was damaged before he could reveal it. The other WildC.A.T.s found his body and repaired him. Together they managed to foil the assassination, but recent events had shown them the dark underbelly of Kheran society including their treatment of the defeated Daemonites and they returned to Earth, disgusted with the Kherubim.

On Earth, the WildC.A.T.s followed their former member Grifter to the island of Gamorra, where Spartan met Kaizen Gamorra. Kaizen turned out to be the body of Yohn Kohl, who had regenerated, but had become completely corrupt. He had captured the real Kaizen Gamorra and taken his place. Kaizen's presence awoke Kohl's memories in Spartan and the two battled. Mister Majestic appeared and destroyed Kaizen, this time for good. Spartan then took the name John Colt again. Soon, this body was destroyed though and a Spartan backup guard reactivated, this time without the John Colt personality dominating.

Months later, the WildC.A.T.s would disband following the apparent death of their teammate Zealot. Emp decided to 'ascend', a Kheran ritual where one discards their mortal shell and becomes one with the universe. Before he could do so, he first had to take care of unfinished business though. He upgraded Spartan's body, greatly increasing its strength and durability. Their plan was to stop Kenyan, a man Emp once had given immortality, but who turned out to be a psychopath. Grifter and the French arms merchant Noir joined the team, which was unofficially referred to as the Wildcats. Emp had hoped that Kenyan would kill him as the released energy during ascension would have killed Kenyan as well, but Kenyan committed suicide instead. Spartan then offered to kill Emp's body, so that his mind could ascend. Emp ascended, but Spartan's invulnerable body withstood the released energy. Back home, Spartan discovered that Emp had left him the H



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