So Say We All?
So this was a big week for the Sci-Fi Channel. Not only did they announce they’d be changing their name to something filled with dipshit, but they also said goodbye to their most popular show, Battlestar Galactica.
As such, it’s no surprise that I’m in a bad mood. Well, I’m always in a bad mood, I suppose…So…okay, no surprise. But when I started this column, I made a commitment to always tell you why the stuff you like sucks. Let me just renew that oath right now.
Some of you might ask, “Who is this sum’bitch that he thinks he’s got the right to tell me that my shit is shit?” Fair question. I’d tell myself the stuff I like sucks, but guess what? I already know that. I accept it, because I’m a self-aware muthafucka and shit. I could go in depth about why the shit I like sucks, but it basically comes down to two things: holodecks and space bitches.
So, now that we got my shit outta the way, let’s get into it.
BSG sucks. Let that sink in. Now, I know there’s a lotta folks out there whose entire universe turns upon the cosmically awesome fulcrum of BSG’s pretentious cock, but let me tell you: BSG sucks.
Face it guys, you got sucked in with awesome special effects and great actors, and…admittedly, a cool take on the old show’s original concept. But you got yo’ ass took. Just like I did. I mean, no doubt, there were some bad-ass moments in the show. Like when Adama first rallied the survivors with that So Say We All business. Bad-ass. Or when he took on Admiral Kane. Or Caine. Whatever. “I’m coming to get my men.” You do not wanna fuck with EJO.
But there were also suck-moments. Remember when the cylons explained the reason they couldn’t make babies was because they lacked the special ingredient? Love? Nah, most folks don’t wanna remember that shit. Or when Starbuck started having a hooch-besotted breakdown every other episode? Yeah. That shit got old, didn’t it?
So, flash forward to last Friday night. Series Finale. Muthafuckas been waiting for years to find out what the fuck’s up with all this “It’s happened before and will happen again” shit. What does the song mean? How did Starbuck come back to life?
Well. All of these burning questions were resolved with a single answer:
God did it, bitch.
Some of you may have heard of a deus ex machina. Rest assured that if you haven’t, Ronald D. Moore most certainly has. Yeah, as it turns out, the image of Tricia Helfer that Baltar’s been seeing since the start of the show? She’s neither a hallucination, nor the product of cylon mental tampering. No, she’s an angel. I don’t mean in the sense of a heavenly space bitch. I mean in the sense of “BITCH IS A GODDAMN ANGEL.”
Oh, and there’s two earths.
Now…what BSG gave us on Friday was only a half of a story. It gave us some awesome character portrayals. And they were acted in outstanding fashion. It also gave us some pretty kick-ass battle scenes that were frenetic enough to drive the epileptics in the audience into a near seizure. I hope you don’t think I’m joking about that.
But what it didn’t give us was an actual sense of closure to the storyline. Oh, sure, they got to Earth, and for some of you, that’s all that matters. But all the supposedly cool story hooks they had unveiled over the course of four seasons? Either untouched, or resolved by saying, “God did it, bitch.”
Turns out, RDM and company just didn’t give a shit about that stuff. Instead, they felt it more productive to masturbate over the characters for 45 minutes.
Outhouse member Benderbrau turned up this gem over the weekend. An article from discovermagazine.com in which the cast and crew were interviewed. It’s lengthy as a muthafucka, so I’m just gonna put up a small excerpt of Benderbrau’s find:
In the last scene, are “Six” and “Baltar” angels or demons?
Moore: I think they’re both. We never try to name exactly what the “Head” characters are—we called them “Head Baltar” and “Head Six” all throughout the show, internally. We never really looked at them as angels or demons because they seemed to periodically say evil things and good things, they tended to save people and they tended to damn people. There was this sense that they worked in service of something else. You could say “a higher power” or you could say “another power,” [but] they were in service to something else that was guiding and helping, sometimes obstructing, and sometimes tempting the people on the show. The idea at the very end was that whatever they are in service to continues and is eternal and is always around. And they too are still around…and with all of us who are the children of Hera. They continue to walk among us and watch, and at some point they may or may not intercede at a key moment.
This shit is pretty much indicative of their entire philosophy with the series. I mean, dude couldn’t even come up with a straight answer, could he? We’ll come up with this wild-ass shit, but then, instead of trying to make some internally consistent sense of it, we’ll leave it up to you.
Now, okay, that’s fine, right? I don’t need someone holding my hand saying, “Here’s the important shit, sonny.”
But if you’re gonna purposely use these developments to build our interest in them, and thus ensure we’ll keep tuning in every week, you better good-and-goddamn-well put more thought into it than “God did it, bitch.”
I’m saying, rather blatantly, that this was an effort of fucking incompetence. This story device was played out back in the time of muthafuckin Euripides.
To make matters only slightly worse, i09.com had an interview with RDM about the whole Daniel subplot. Now, it’s kinda old news at this point, because it also was discussed in Sci-Fi’s “Last Frakkin’ Special.” But here goes:
How about fan theories over the show, like mention of a missing Cylon named Daniel? After his name was mentioned, the fans just went wild online. Did you intend for that to happen, and was he supposed to inspire this big fan-driven back-story?
You know, the Daniel thing is going to be one of the great fiascos of the show, in terms of what fans thought and what the truth was. Because Daniel was not intended to be anything more than an interesting bit of back-story in that episode. And that's how we approached it. It was just a story that Cavil and Ellen tell each other, that sort of goes to the idea of who Cavil was and how deep his resentments were, and his jealous nature - and [we wanted to] do a Cain and Abel allegory. That was all it was.
And then after the show aired. I started picking up all this stuff about how fans were obsessing about Daniel and how [people thought] Daniel was Kara's father, and he was the big surprise. I started thinking, "Oh shit, slow down people, I don't want you to really get invested."
I usually don't like to go out there and say, "Oh, that's a bad theory," because part of the enjoyment of watching the show is coming up with ideas. But this was gathering such momentum, I didn't want people to be going into the finale and really be waiting for the Daniel shoe to drop, when there's no shoe. It's one of those things where you're inside the show, [and] you look at it, and go one way. And then it's broadcast, and an audience sees it, and then they seize on this piece that you never really anticipated, and then you're sort of amazed. And you're saying, "Slow down, no - come back."
If you didn’t want us getting invested, maybe you shouldn’t have made such a big deal about Kara being reborn and having a destiny that revolved around this damn cylon song. So, basically, instead of Daniel being Starbuck’s daddy, we’re left to presume that her dad is an angel. Or god. Or Mike Horton from Days of Our Lives. Or something else equally logical. To the writers, it’s just not important to work that shit out.
This would be roughly equivalent to a comic book reader suspending his disbelief long enough to accept that a spider-bite can give a dude super powers. And then, Aunt May suddenly gains superpowers just because, and saves the day. At which point, the writer just says, “Eh. We never really intended for you to wonder about where Aunt May got her powers. Thanks for the $3.99, bitch.”
A buddy of mine who doesn’t usually watch the show happened to tune in, and his assessment was almost literally the same as mine; he almost thought he was watching a series of music videos. His excuse was that he was hopped up on Nyquil. My excuse was that Moore pretty much planned it that way when he walked into the script meeting for the final episode and said, “It’s the characters stupid.”
Like I said, they did a great job on the characters. So did the actors. But where I find incompetence is in their total mishandling of the plot. Character is important, no doubt. But without plot, you just have a set of admittedly well crafted character vignettes.
And that’s what BSG gave us, and that’s what you guys are spooging over. It sucks because it doesn’t take a fuckin’ laureate to realize that it’s possible to write a strong plot and write strong character portrayals.
At the same fuckin’ time.
Shit, Alan Moore did it. Even Frank Miller’s whore-obsessed ass has done it, folks. So basically, I’m sayin’: Emperor’s New Clothes time.
What’s In A Dumb-Ass Name?
Sci-Fi’s other big event this past week was the announcement that it would be transforming its name from Sci-Fi to “SyFy.” Suck on that, spellchecker. [oh, and it did indeed]
This was first reported last week on nytimes.com.
But to further explain this dipshittery, Sci-Fi president David Howe consented to an interview with scifiwire.com, in which he responded to submitted questions.
Howe: The world has changed dramatically since we launched our channel 16 years ago, and we need to evolve with it. We need to position our brand to compete more effectively in a fiercely competitive, multi-platform, multi-media and global world. To do that we have to be able to differentiate or separate our brand from a generic category. There are literally thousands of sci-fi movies, sci-fi series, sci-fi Web sites and sci-fi games out there. If we're called sci-fi, it's difficult for us to own or brand our own shows when they're watched on DVD, iTunes, Hulu, Netflix or any other digital media or platform now or to come. And there's no way for us to cultivate our own unique point of view.
Here's a couple of great examples that we hope illustrate what I'm talking about in a different way. ESPN and COKE are both powerful brands. But if they were called SPORTS or SODA, no one would know why they're different or why they're worth checking out. They'd lose their personality, point of difference and ability to stand out in the marketplace. "Sci-fi" is the generic term. It's not a brand name we can own or that separates our shows from all of the other sci-fi shows out there.
It's also impossible to effectively trademark the letters "s-c-i-f-i" anywhere in the world, which is becoming a bigger problem as we launch more and more SCI FI Channels around the globe. By the end of next year, the SCI FI Channel will be in about 50 countries.
Also, we need to grow our business beyond just being a cable channel.
We want to extend our brand into new businesses, such as gaming, films or the youth market. But if we created a "SCI FI Games" label or a "SCI FI Films" label, it's the same problem of ownability. Our current name doesn't work. But "Syfy Games" or "Syfy Films" does work. It's a unique and recognizable brand name that consumers will know comes from us.
Now, I don’t know about Coca-Cola. I always just assumed they called the shit “Coke” because that was their secret ingredient prior to caffeine. But with ESPN…well, “Sports” is right there in the muthafuckin name! SPORTS, bitch! That’s the fuck what they do!
And ESPN is not some made-up-ass word to appeal to the text generation. It’s an abbreviation for what they fucking provide, which is a network of sports and entertainment programming.
SyFy doesn’t stand for shit, and doesn’t mean shit, because it’s not a word. Well, I guess in Poland it’s a word that’s not very nice. But that don’t exactly help make the case.
Also, who in the fuck cares if you can’t trademark the word Sci-Fi? Metallica doesn’t get pissed off just because it can’t trademark the word “Sold-Out-Metal” does it?
Okay, that’s more than one word.
The Sci-Fi Channel is its own brand. No one out there is gonna make a cereal and call it Sci-Fi Channel-Os. Why? Because everyone would goddamn know that they’re trying to rip off the Sci-Fi Channel. And if you wanna branch out into other countries with the brand, guess what? They don’t call their science fiction channels the Sci-Fi Channel. Assuming they speak English in the first damn place. I mean, what’s “Sci-Fi Channel” in Croatian?
Some folks are saying this is just an excuse for the network to air shit like ECW and Destination Truth. Well, guess what part 2? Ain’t nuthin’ stopping them fools from putting this shit on now. I mean, every other weekend, they run marathons of “Nature Unleashed: A Breezy Day.” Sure, meteorology is a science. But to call that shit science fiction is like saying Nights in Rodanthe is sci-fi because fucking is a part of biology.
Fuck it, how about some news that doesn’t hurl me into a killing frenzy?
A Whole family of Supers!
This week, comicbookresources.com showed an exclusive preview of a new comic book based on Pixar’s The Incredibles. And this shit looks pretty damn incredible. Here are a couple of preview pages, but head on over to CBR to see the full preview.
The book is being put out by Boom! Comics and will hit shelves this Wednesday. The story is written by Mark Waid, with interior art by Marcio Takara. And as good as his art looks, the book will feature variant covers by fan-faves Michael Avon Oeming and…that’s right…muthafuckin Mike Mignola.
See? Not all the shit that you like sucks.
Who Watched the Watchmen?
Not enough, as it turned out. You people let goddamn “Knowing” take the number one spot at the Box Office. You’ve failed me again, Starscream.
And as a direct result, Warner Bros. has had it with R-rated superhero features, according to iesb.net.
How much of the movie going market - specifically those that go to see superhero/genre films - is cut out by rating a film R versus a PG-13? Warner Bros. thinks too much and is said to be focusing solely on PG-13 rated superhero/tent pole films only, definitely harder than the "family friendly" superhero films of Fantastic Four but not in the R rated range. Think about it, the movie going audience is "huge", now the genre/superhero movie going audience is a portion of that "huge" and the R rated/genre/superhero movie going audience is an even smaller portion of that "huge." It makes a lot of sense to make the movie for the largest audience possible and still respect the property.
Well, there’s goes my chances of seeing Monica Bellucci star in a R-rated Wonder Woman movie written by Frank Miller….
“Yeah, you could tell she knew her way around a lasso like nobody’s business. And when she snared you, she made ya want to tell the dame the truth. The whole truth…”
But you know, as it turns out, I don’t really think DC has a whole lot of characters that really need an R-rated flick. I figure the Green Lantern can get by just fine without any giant blue dicks flopping about the screen, or Malin Ackerman’s titties falling out of her super suit.
NO! Dammit, Strict, you’ve finally got a woman who buys you action figures! And she’s not your mother! FOCUS!!!!
Anyway, Iron Man got along just fine without an R-rating, so I figure DC can put out a decent Aquaman movie.
What am I saying? A decent Aquaman movie? Bwah-a-ha-ha-haah-haaaah!
What I meant to say was, “At least there will be no aqua-cock in it.” No, Aquaman will keep his Little Mermaid where it belongs: tucked firmly between his legs.
Quest For Fire
I’m not usually one for Comedy Central shows. They’ve had some true shitters over the years. This past week, they announced a new series, “Kröd Mändoon and The Flaming Sword of Fire,” premiering April 9th.
"Kröd Mändoon and The Flaming Sword of Fire" is a groundbreaking action-comedy that is equal parts workplace comedy and sword and sorcery fun. An outrageous, live-action, character-driven show set in an ancient fantasy realm, the series follows reluctant hero Kröd Mändoon (Maguire), a thin-skinned and underconfident freedom fighter, who is the last great hope in the struggle against the evil ruler, Chancellor Dongalor (Lucas). To help fight the great fight, Kröd has assembled a band of remarkably ineffectual freedom fighters: Aneka (de Beaufort), the beautiful Pagan warrioress whose weapon of choice is sex, Loquasto (Speirs), the oafish servant with bad aim, Zezelryck (Hart), the young warlock whose greatest magical gift is spinning BS, and Bruce (Ray), who's simply fabulous. Together, they must overcome a myriad of evil obstacles in their quest to save the world, including name-calling, hired assassins and bad hair days.
I dunno. The name alone is pretty much a winner. I’d check it out on that basis alone. But they sweetened the deal with luscious sweetmeat, India de Beaufort. And I gotta admit, I kinda stopped reading after that. So, presumably, the show is about some dude who does some stuff, maybe with a sword or something, and a superfly honey in a loincloth.
And why don’t we all stop reading this week with a pic of said honey: