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Strictly Speaking 3/30/2009

batman-battle-for-the-cowl-20090326024256189-000.jpgThis week in Strictly Speaking, we'll find out who's working on that Thing. You know which Thing I mean. Next, we'll see which Hollywood actor is trying to break out of his Cage to try new things. Then we'll see if raindrops will keep falling on Sam Raimi's head in Spider-Man 4. After that, we'll look at some videogame news about Mass Effect 2. Also, do you know who the new Batman is? You will. Finally, I flip out and go on a Trek rant. Which means it must be Monday again...

The Play’s The Thing

jc-the-thing-banner.jpgSo, apparently, BSG helm Ronald D. Moore is out with regards to the upcoming prequel to horror classic “The Thing.” Eric Heisserer has been signed on to completely rewrite RDM’s script, according to MrDisgusting at bloody-disgusting.com.

In an excerpt from his blog, Heisserer wrote:

This is a “from scratch” rewrite assignment for the most part, as was my work on A Nightmare on Elm Street. I can’t say any more on that. I have the highest respect for both Ron Moore and Wesley Strick."

You can check the full article here.

Now, given my last column, there are probably some of you out there with a pre-conceived notion as to what I’m gonna say. And you’re completely correct. So, let’s skip past the obvious angel, skin-job cracks and just get right to: “It’s God’s Will.”

Thing is, RDM is a good writer. A damn good writer. Which was really the root of my discontent with BSG. But at the same time, isn’t it at least possible that maybe a Thing prequel is just a bad idea?

I mean, what the fuck is it with Prequels? Hollywood can’t get enough of ‘em. Does anyone here understand why a prequel is a bad idea? Almost always?

NOTE: I only say “almost” to account for the possibility of someone making a Star Wars or Star Trek prequel that is filled with giant swinging space titties. Which would rock.

Prequels reveal extra details to a story whose conclusion we already fuckin’ know, folks. If you wanna learn more detail about why Anakin’s favorite color was blue, that’s why God invented wikipedia. It doesn’t mean we have to have an entire movie exploring the origins of Anakin Skywalker’s love of the color blue.

With regards to The Thing, we already know what happened right the fuck before Kurt Russell and the gang found the Thing. Some foreigners…I dunno, Norwegian scientists or some shit…got their asses fucked up by the muthafuckin’ Thing.

It just might be possible that no one alive, no matter how gifted his writing skills, can dress this shit up in a way that A. does not suck or B. does not tell us what the fuck we already know and then start sucking.

Even if God himself came down, dropped his Heaven-Shorts and squeezed out a holy brick onto this story, it would still be a story we already know.

So Eric Heisserer, I hate to pre-judge ya and what-not, but welcome to Suck.

And since we’re already on movie news, let’s keep this sum’bitch in play.

 

What Else Can Nic Cage Fuck Up?

nic-cage.jpgIo9.com reports that Nicholas Cage has his sights set on more sci-fi movies in the future:

At this point in my life I have made a series of movies with a hieroglyphic of my face and a gun. I had a serious look at a couple of movies, one that I pulled out [of], because I felt, at this point, I didn't want to kill a person on camera... I was trying to think about ways I could entertain you, hopefully give you some sort of escape, which I think in this day and age is very important, without having to resort to gratuitous violence. Science fiction is a way that I can go into the abstract, go into the imagination, and audiences are still willing to go along for the ride.

Huh. Turns out Nic Cage is as tired of making National Treasure movies as I am of seeing them. So, after spending the last few years fucking up shit like Bangkok Dangerous, looks like he’s ready to ass-fuck science-fiction. With any luck, he’ll get cast as a really old Ender in Ender’s Game.

But wait, up in the sky! What’s that? Nic cage also wants to hop into some super-tights to fuck up some superhero franchises too! Splashpage.mtv.com reports the following:

“I would love to play a super villain. I think that would be a whole lot of fun,” Cage told MTV News, welcoming an invite to take on the Batman. “Yeah. If they call and invite me, I’d do it. Certainly.”

With his enthusiasm revealed, MTV News asked Cage if there’s a specific villain he’d like to play. There are plenty of antagonists to choose from, many of whom might benefit from Cage’s experience playing criminals. While the colorful Ra’s Al Ghul, Scarecrow, Two-Face and The Joker have already been claimed in “Batman Begins” and “The Dark Knight,” Cage acknowledged Nolan’s previous Bat foes and liked the thought of joining their ranks.

“There have been so many good ones already,” said Cage, “It’s a good idea.”

Maybe he can portray Killer Croc and get buff again like he did when he played Little Junior in Kiss of Death. Instead of bench-pressing whores, he eats them. Or maybe he can play Hush, and shut the fuck up.

Maybe I’m being too hard on Mr. Cage. After all, you guys made "Knowing" the number one movie on its opening weekend. That’s certainly not his fault, is it, folks?

Eh, I just wish we could go back to the days when Cage wasn’t just playing himself in movies. But that happens to a lot of the brightest stars when they hit a certain level of fame. So, if he does sign up with a Batman flick, let’s hope it doesn’t turn into another star vehicle like his last couple of flicks.

 

Throw it Against the Wall and See What Sticks

spidey3avatar.jpgIn Spider-Man movie news, ign.com reports that Sam Raimi is looking for fewer chefs in the kitchen for Spider-Man 4.

Sam Raimi said he would demand complete control over the next Spider-Man film after the narrative problems affecting the previous installment.

He said: "They really gave me a tremendous amount of control on the first two films, actually. But then there were different opinions on the third film and I didn't really have creative control, so to speak."

Yeah, yeah, fuckin-yeah. So, it was creative differences that caused Raimi to have Peter Parker dancing in the streets and performing a musical number?

Well, maybe so, given the fact this horse-shit was utterly absent from the first two Spidey flicks. I mean, Venom was a bad idea and was handled in a bad way, but what about that Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head shit? If Raimi did not want that shit in his movie, maybe it’s time to go all Werner Herzog on bitches and whip out a gun on a muthafucka when they step wrong on the set.

…I don’t know if Herzog really pulled a gun on a muthafucka. I’m just sayin’…

So, anyone wanna take odds on Bryce Dallas Howard squeezing into shiny black PVC to take on the role of Black Cat? I probably would have cast The Scarlett, cuz BDH is kinda skinny for my tastes. But I will say that in SM3, she wore it well.

Hey, maybe Nic Cage can play Kraven the Hunter or some shit.

 

Weapon of Mass Distraction

mass_effect2_logo_1.jpgIgn.com also reported a Mass Effect update from this years Game Designer’s Conference at San Francisco. IGN’s Erik Brudvig got to play a demo of the game and reported:

mass-effect-2.jpgBioWare conveniently didn't use the traditional Shepard model in the combat video and the teasing got even worse in the next video. This one featured dialog, but never directly addressed the hero or offered the hero himself actually talking. The generic player character was wearing an N7 set of armor, though. The only talking came from a female Asari character named Seryna. The squad was in a flying car, moving on an air-highway through a crowded city. Seryna was giving a briefing on the upcoming combat mission which would involve storming a penthouse where mercs were sure to be waiting for some action. The scene ended with the hover car landing outside of the penthouse building and the group climbing out of the car. Perhaps more extensive planets and cities will be included in Mass Effect 2 that feature multiple locations to explore instead of just one main hub.

There’s still not a whole lot of useful info out about this game. Brudvig says the combat interface is different, but combat is still pretty much the same as the last game. I guess that’s probably good, but those fuckers really need to re-think the whole sniper rifle business. That shit sucked asses through a straw made of cornhole.

But Bioware is still obviously trying to keep the intrigue going with regards to the previous game’s star, Commander Shepherd. Apparently, the Bioware message boards are all abuzz with shitbirds speculating that Shepherd is dead, or Shepherd is evil now or some lame-ass shit like that.

Ain’t it just like some message board fools to stress about some drama and take it to a whole new level of sad? And Bioware, whose news releases up to this point could be best described as “sparse”, is more than willing to keep it going.

But you know what? Much as I enjoyed the first game, I don’t really give a shit about Shepherd. I just don’t care if he lives or dies. Since you can make him (or her) look like anything you want, I never got particularly attached to the dude. And he (or she) didn’t have much of a personality either.

So, even if they replace him with a new character, you will be able to make him (or her) look exactly like the same guy (or girl) you played in the first game.

Kill him or don’t. See if I care.

liarahilisjpg.jpgBut you know who I did care about? Liara T’Soni. Why? Because she was a sexy-fine blue space bitch with a great ass. Bring her back so she can have a nasty lesbian interlude with a female main character…er…that is…if someone were to ah…you know…choose to play a female main character. Not that I would, of course. I mean, lesbians need love too, right Emma?

But, I also care about the gameplay. I mean, from Brudvig’s description…I mean, you’re flying in an air-car? You don’t have to walk everywhere in the goddamn future for a change? Awesome.

Fuck it. I can’t front. I’m already gonna buy this game. But I swear to muthafuckin God that I’m tired of opening up hundred year-old space probes on a deserted planet and finding a top-of-the-line sniper rifle inside. Who puts sniper rifles into their space probes anyway?

And get rid of that cocksucking Supply Officer hanging out in the Normandy’s basement getting stoned with Wrex. If I’m gonna be saving the entire goddamn universe, your swindling ass better stop charging me for body armor and what-not.

 

The Goddamn Batman

I see what you did there...So, I’ve already mentioned I don’t really care that much about DC’s Battle for the Cowl. But you guys do, so I keep mentioning it. Seems like DC’s still of the opinion that nobody in the audience knows who in the fuck will be the new Bat.

Outhouser Timberoo posted a pic of Batman artist Tony Daniel’s design sketch for the “new” Batman, and if you look close, you can see it pretty much spoils the whole “surprise”…

Did you catch that? Here, let me help…

batmanblk227.jpg

batmanblk227_window.jpgDick. Now, either the new Batman is really grown up former sidekick Dick Grayson, or the Batpole has taken on a whole new function. Not like it was a surprise, though.

I mean, the last time people were this surprised was when it was determined that 2 +2 really does equal 4, and water was definitively revealed to be, in fact, wet.

But i guess it's at least possible DC is throwing us a swerve on purpose. Crafty sum'bitches...

 

 

Don’t Call it a Comeback

star_trek_poster1.jpgOr a retcon. That’s what Trek writers, Orci and Kurtzman are saying, according to the final installment of scifiwire.com’s three-part interview:

This also conveniently allows you to violate canon, such as it is, if necessary.

Orci: Well, again, it's a continuation of canon. If words have precise meaning, it's not technically a canon violation.

Kurtzman: There's also a massive amount of ... crossover. It'll be a very identifiable Trek world. With character traits and situations and backstories that are almost identical. Orci: But the spirit of what you're saying is true. It frees us from the rigors of their known history. Without necessarily having to veer away from it all. You know, there're large sections of the movie that we would argue are true ... in both their continuity and our new one.

--------------

There are a couple of points that fans seem to have seized upon. One is: The Enterprise is supposed to be built in space, not on the ground. What do you say to that?

Orci: Things are built in space when expense in getting it to space is difficult. But when you have a ship that can literally cross the galaxy faster than light, getting it up 100 miles above the atmosphere is not particularly expensive. Number two, ... one of the reasons to build things in space is things don't ever have to enter a gravity, because they're going to be flimsy, like satellites are fine to build in space because they don't ever need to be in a gravity well. But because we all know warp speed itself is the warping of ... space, which equals gravitation, then you want to make sure the Enterprise can actually sustain [that]. ... It's not a flimsy pleasure-cruise [ship].

Another comment I've seen from our fans was it was supposed to be built in San Francisco, not in Iowa.

Orci: It's debatable in canon whether or not it was actually built in San Francisco. But certainly the events of our movie, when you see the Enterprise being built, [it will take place] after the time incursion, so any differences will be explained by the events of the movie.

I’m not really sure these two cats understand the meaning of the word “retcon”, which immediately loses them a couple dozen O.G. (Original Geek) Points. Maybe wikipedia can provide some timely assistance:

"The deliberate changing of previously established facts in a work of serialized fiction"

According to wikipedia, a retcon can change by removing established events, or by adding to them. In this case, Orci and Kurtzman seem to think they’re simply adding more detail to already an already established chain of fictional events.

Remember what I said earlier about Prequels, right?

Okay, but in this case, they’re wrong.

The problem is, they’re trying to tell a single origin story for the crew of the Enterprise. But there simply was no single origin story. They all came aboard at different times, at different ages. Chekov was straight out of the Academy when he joined the crew in the second season. Spock had served on the ship under Captain Pike for years while Kirk was still serving on the Farragut and the Republic. McCoy doesn’t even appear as the Chief Medical Officer (or at all) in “Where No Man Has Gone Before.” Some other muthafucka had that job when Kirk came on board as captain.

All of these details are established in the original series. You don’t have to be a geek like me and just know them from years of dedicated trek research and experimentation with Tranya. No, you can fucking goddamn-well turn on a fuckin’ TV set and watch the fuckin’ show to find this shit out.

Which is something, at the very least, you’d expect muthafuckas making the movie to do at some point.

These details don’t mean they can’t knock themselves out making a movie. It just means that the movie they’re making is a retcon of established story details.

Because there was no first moment where they all met at once, like they’re some kinda goddamn superhero team that all happens to show up at a bank robbery at the same time, or some bunch of shitbirds out of a D&D game who all stroll through the same door of the same tavern and sit at the same table with their backs against the same wall.

Orci and Kurtzman try to explain the differences in the setting through the plot device of time travel. But I don’t give a shit how far back you go in time, it ain’t gonna make Chekov suddenly 12 years older.

So, despite their best efforts to claim otherwise, it is a retcon.

Here’s another retcon. There is no debate that the Enterprise was built in orbit over San Francisco, not on the ground in muthafuckin Iowa. I don’t give a shit what sorta sci-fi hand-wave you use, but look at those spindly ass sticks holding up the engines at a V angle. You think that shit’s gonna hold up well in the gravity of a planet?

No, you build that in space so them shits don’t fall right the fuck off.

And what the fuck are they talking about with warp drive? That shit doesn’t use gravity to warp space. I mean, sure, okay, that’s some shit most mainstream folks ain’t never gonna care about. I understand that. It don’t matter because the only folks who’ll give a shit are geek-ass bitches like me.

I can dig it.

But if you’re just gonna change a bunch of shit anyway that your target audience (the mainstreamers) won’t care about, why not make something new?

Further, if you’re gonna change so much shit, why make a Prequel? If you don’t make a prequel, you don’t need to retcon anything, or explain your changes through some bullshit-ass time travel.

The reason they’re doing this is simple, folks. To cash in on the original Trek brand name. Abrams and Orci and Kurtzman believe that most people nowadays like the original cast best of all the people who’ve ever starred in the Trek franchise. That’s their premise, despite the fact that most young’ns these days grew up watching an entirely different Trek. Take a look at this list of top sci-fi shows:

Which Star Trek series is at number one and which is at number five?

Okay, I know this was another rant. But basically, I’m sayin’, what we got here is a case of some guys trying to express their love of something old by fucking it up its 40 year old virgin ass.

But by all means, go see it. I’m sure it’ll be as respectful to the original material as Frank Miller’s The Spirit was.

But on the other hand, as a perfect counterpoint to all this logic-type shit I’ve bestowed upon you, Zoë Saldana is muthafuckin hot.

zoe-saldana-picture-1.jpg

zoe-saldana-picture-2.jpg

Captain’s Log, indeed…

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The Outhouse is sponsored this week by Late Nite Draw. Recently featured on ComicsAlliances' Best Art Ever, he is a Chicago-based commissioned artist with a self-published Digital+Print one-shot coming out in October about the abominable snowman called ABOBAMANIMABBLE, and is also available for commissions. Check out some amazing art by clicking here or by clicking the banner at the top, and support the people who support The Outhouse.


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