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Strictly Speaking 4/27/2009

Strictly Speaking was out for a week, but we're back with some news about Robert Rodriguez's upcoming movie project. Here's a hint: it will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Next up, we'll find out why Joss Whedon gets no respect, no respect at all, I tell ya. Then, we'll ask if the sequel to 30 Days of Night will suck. And we'll see if Guillermo Del Toro's new novel bites. And finally, we'll see if we can't find something else to blame Fox's Tom Rothman for.

Grindhouse Presents: Planet Predator:

predator-arnold.jpgApparently, Robert Rodriguez is on tap to reboot the Predator franchise, thus proving once again that Hollywood has nothing new to give us. IESB recently captured a Rodriguez quote listing his upcoming movie plans:

"I'm going to be able to shoot my upcoming Machete here, a sci-fi action film called Nervewrackers, a reboot of the Predator series called Predators and a couple of smaller movies called Sin City 2 and The Jetsons," Rodriguez told reporters.

Indeed.

Bloodydisgusting.com has been following this story since January and boy, do they seem excited. Personally, I’m just trying to figure out how many movies he can shove Rose McGowan into. In stripper-wear. That would be awesome, since she does stripper-wear very nicely. That’s the entire reason I’m even jazzed for Red Sonja. Because Rose McGowan will be wearing the chainmail bikini (which is practical combat attire for the Hyborean Age).

But seriously…really? Predator is so dusty that it needs a reboot? Hey, I know Rodriguez is great when it comes to making movies about other people’s shit, but are you really gonna outdo such classics as “Jeez you got a big pussy! Jeez you got a big pussy!” and “This will turn you into a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus”? Is he gonna give us a character who is as fun to take on a vacation as Billy?

“Hey Billy, how do you feel about going to Disneyland?”

“We’re all gonna die.”

You know, I ain’t afraid a’no man, but there’s something out there in Hollywood, and it ain’t no man.

But you know what would kinda kick ass? El mariachi vs. the Predator. Throw Steve Buscemi in it, just for old time’s sake. “This big Predator walks into the bar. Big as shit.” Maybe some Salma Hayek, yeah? Or, the Gecko brothers vs. Aliens?

Let’s not do a reboot. Let’s just have like, Spy Kids vs. Predator. Or, as an even better idea, how about you get the lead out and make Sin City 2 already, for fuck’s sake!

What’s the Difference Between Critical Acclaim and Peer Respect?

whedon_joss2.jpgAwards that no one cares about.

Ah hell, that ain’t fair. Geeks care about the Bradbury Award, right? Am I right, fellow geeks? Well, anyhoo, turns out Joss Whedon was awarded the Bradury yesterday, according to scifiwire.com:

Joss Whedon, creator of such series as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly and Dollhouse, received the Bradbury Award for excellence in screenwriting from the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America. The ceremony was held Saturday, April 25, on the campus of UCLA.

Previous Bradbury Award winners are James Cameron for Terminator 2 (1992), J. Michael Straczynski for Babylon 5 (1999) and Yuri Rasovsky and Harlan Ellison for 2000X —Tales of the Next Millennia, a National Public Radio series (2001).

He couldn’t be around to accept the respect of his peers, so he did the next best thing, beaming his acceptance speech using strange new technology from the future.

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Isn’t it odd that Joss Whedon’s work is so well-loved by the fans, but when it comes to put-up-or-shut-up time, He hasn’t really been able to deliver the goods since Angel? I mean, you can blame a lot of that on Fox, no doubt. But even diehard Whedon fans are hard-pressed to sit still long enough through Dollhouse. I mean, I’d really love to like any show that puts Eliza Dushku in Dom-gear with her ass hanging out. But half the time, I wanna turn the shit off. Helo’s just about the only likeable character on the show, and I can’t even remember his character’s name. I wanna like Dushku’s Echo, but she’s just an echo of a character.

And everyone else on the show is a miserable asshole who participates in the slavery of human beings.

I mean, come on. The rich get sad and lonely too when a loved one dies? That’s why god invented high-class call girls and escorts and what-not; so a bitch could willingly consent to going around the world with a daddy warbucks. Every time I watch this show, I want Helo to flip out and beat on some muthafuckas like he did with that rapist in BSG. But in the last episode, he was too busy hate-fucking that cute chubby chick.

Damn she’s cute…

But I digress. I just find it ironic that there’s such a gulf between critical acclaim (or the lack thereof) and the respect of one’s peers. After sitting here and shitting all over Dollhouse, I’m not gonna front like I’m a big Whedon fan, but damn. Maybe it would be cool to find him a network that’s gonna give him time to let Dollhouse grow into something cool. Because he ain’t half bad when he gets up a full head of steam. I’m just sayin’. If his fellow writers can see that, well maybe Fox should hold off on replacing him with Celebrity Love Mole or some shit.

30 More days of Night

30daysofnight_window.jpgOver at splashpage.mtv.com, Rick Marshall brought some exclusive news about the sequel to the 30 Days of Night film, based on the comic by Steve Niles and Ben Templesmith:

Niles said that the original film’s $70 million showing at the box office made the direct-to-DVD route likely for the sequel — but after receiving some words of support from "30 Days of Night" producer (and "Spider-Man 4″ director) Sam Raimi, he’s perfectly fine with following that path.

"We didn’t hit that magic $100 million, but I had a long talk with Sam," explained Niles. "He called me and just said, ‘Don’t be too quick to judge this direct-to-DVD market, especially with the sci-fi market.’"

"This way we’d be able to do all the comics," reasoned Niles. "We won’t have the massive competition of the box office, and theoretically, we could move on to ‘Return to Barrow’ and to the other series and short stories."

Check out the full article here.

Well, I find myself rather a bit torn by this news. Direct to DVD? Seriously? That means it’ll probably air on the SciFi channel, edited to hell and back, starring Chase Masterson and Jon Bon Jovi.

But Niles seems to think this is a good thing. And sure, I’d like to see the whole series put on film, even if it’s just DVD release. I dunno why, but I really dug that flick. Oh…I know why. Because Melissa George was in it. Vampires were a little over the top, though…didn’t any of these blood-guzzling sum’bitches bring some napkins or paper towels or something? And pace yourselves, guys. You got all month.

I’m really kinda hyped to see the next installment of the story, but I hope it doesn’t fall into the graveyard of D2DVD.

Pan’s Library

guillermodeltoro.jpgSo, Guillermo Del Toro is one of my favorite film makers. He’s one of the dudes who gets it. So, when I hear that my man is writing a book about vampires…presumably en ingles, cuz my Spanish is all rusty and such, I’m kinda stoked.

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Check out the release from harpercollins.com:

A Boeing 777 arrives at JFK and is on its way across the tarmac, when it suddenly stops dead. All window shades are pulled down. All lights are out. All communication channels have gone quiet. Crews on the ground are lost for answers, but an alert goes out to the CDC. Dr. Eph Goodweather, head of their Canary project, a rapid-response team that investigates biological threats, gets the call and boards the plane. What he finds makes his blood run cold.

In a pawnshop in Spanish Harlem, a former professor and survivor of the Holocaust named Abraham Setrakian knows something is happening. And he knows the time has come, that a war is brewing . . .

So begins a battle of mammoth proportions as the vampiric virus that has infected New York begins to spill out into the streets. Eph, who is joined by Setrakian and a motley crew of fighters, must now find a way to stop the contagion and save his city—a city that includes his wife and son—before it is too late.

First off, let me say this: I’m more than a little tired of people trying to come up with some sort of pseudo-scientifically sound explanation for supernatural stuff in fiction and movies and TV shows. It’s like they think that vampires are some how more believable when it’s a virus that has turned them into creatures of the muthafuckin’ night instead of sucking on the devil’s cock or something.

Way I see it, if you’re gonna twist science so badly, you might as well throw in some Jedi and the USS Enterprise while you’re at it, because ain’t no virus in the world ever made a muthafucka explode in sunlight. I don’t care how sick they are.

So, the science bullshit is just as much bullshit as supernatural bullshit. And that, folks, is why god invented Suspension of Disbelief.

But you know…whatever. Everybody gotta be something, so, if he wants to inject his vampires full of science-fiction, that’s his choice.

But the second problem I have with this is these vampires sounds an awful lot like zombies. And I hate when writers mix their monstrosities. It means they ain’t thought the basic problem of the vampire out too far.

Do you know what I’m talking about?

Okay. Say you got a virus, like what’s described in this book, sweeping humanity, turning everyone into bloodsuckers faster than you can say “Swine Flu.” Well, sure, somebody better damn well do something before the entire population is all “I Am Legend” and shit. Sure. But there’s a problem; what do vampires feed on for survival?

Human fuckin’ blood.

What do you NOT have in abundance if everyone on Earth is a vampire?

Human fuckin’ blood.

Simply put, if everyone gets turned into a vampire, the gig is up, because ain’t shit gonna be left to eat except rats and such. Assuming they don’t get turned into vampire rats.

So, yeah, that’s a big problem with the story, and it’s why you should never mix your vampire stories with your zombie stories.

But goddamn it, it’s Guillermo Del Toro. Man’s a fuckin’ genius who, as I said before, gets it. Maybe he’s got a plan to have all of it make sense.

Origin of the Mutant Film Print

wolv002.jpgSo, I’ve been kinda following the story of this errant print of Wolverine that hit the net a while back. Turns out, I ain’t the only one. Over at aintitcool.com, Veritas somehow got to see the final cut of the movie starring Hugh Jackman and claims that Fox hasn’t exactly been truthful when they said the pirate release was an incomplete version of the movie, missing several key scenes and what-not.

According to Veritas:

Well, having seen the finished film, the mystery is solved: the workprint version IS in fact identical to the release print, sans effect and some audio work. It's obvious that FOX is trying their darndest to keep this news from getting out, because it will eliminate most of the motivation for people who have seen the workprint to pay for a ticket.

Some scenes from the trailer are not in the finished version, either.

The finished effects are lackluster, to say the least - some really bad CGI work made me groan numerous times (especially, but not restricted to, Patrick Stewart's cameo). The scene with Stewart looks so much better in the workprint - trying to digitally de-age him did NOT work this time around...

So, this is pretty much what I thought. Only now, I’m thinking maybe Fox was behind the pirated release, because any publicity is good publicity. And apparently, the illegal release of the movie has not diminished interest in seeing it at the theaters in the least little bit.

I mean, what better way to ensure people remain interested in your crappy flick than to kick-start your own little controversy, where you’re the victim?

This is almost as insidious as the time Fox plotted to release Big Momma’s House 2 into the water supply. Swear to god, Tom Rothman is like Cobra Commander, except with more snakes. He’s also behind the Kennedy assassination, and Bigfoot. No, I mean, he’s really standing behind Bigfoot in that one picture.

Insidious.

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