Monday, February 19, 2018 • Evening Edition • "The trash of the multiverse has gotta end up somewhere."

Bumps, Pops, and Katie Vick 5/21/09: I'm Baaaaack...and you're gonna wish I wasn't!

on Thursday, May 21 2009 and posted in Features
Let's venture into the world of TNA, and see what fun they have in store for us this time!  

Well, let's see. Sorry about being away so long guys. Only got through two weekly articles and my final presentations for school hit me like a freight train. However, that's all done with now, so let's get back to business. For my first article back, we're gonna journey away from the safe haven of World Wrestling Entertainment. And into the untamed wilderness of TNA Wrestling. TNA used to be great. In some aspects, such as their under and mid-card wrestlers, they still have potential to be great. But in order to achieve that potential, they need to shape up. At least, I assume so. It's been quite awhile since I've last forced myself to sit through a TNA broadcast. Let's just run through a show, segment by segment, and see how it goes. I'm doing this live, so excuse me if I miss a small part or two.


So Jeff Jarrett is STILL putting himself in the main event, with other veterans such as Mick Foley (who is apparently TNA World Champion now, hooray...), Sting, and Kurt Angle. Is TNA attempting to fill the void that WCW left in the wrestling industry by having their main event matches feature the same guys cluttering the main event scene since the 90's? Mind you, WWE does this to an extent as well, with Triple H, Undertaker, and Shawn Michaels. But with TNA, their main players consist of guys who helped put WCW six feet under, and guys that got pissed off at WWE and Vince McMahon, and took their ball elsewhere. Remember when we all thought TNA would make huge stars of guys like AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels? So much for that.


Also, great move by TNA to announce their "Quadruple Main Event" ahead of time on their website and elsewhere, then act as if Mick Foley made it up on the spot at the beginning of the show. That's some genius Russo booking if I've ever seen it. So we got Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan, Sting vs. Eric Young, Jeff Jarrett vs. Samoa Joe and his Nation of Violence (wut?), and Mick Foley vs. Mystery Opponent. Why is it every time I've even given TNA a passing glance, I see the word "mystery" in front of either opponent or guest. And it's ALWAYS a "former world champion".


......who is the blue hell is this guy? Suicide? Wasn't he from that TNA videogame that flopped? So let's bring him onto TV too! Yay TNA! At least this match should be awesome. Lethal Consequences (Jay Lethal & Consequences Creed) vs. Christopher Daniels & Suicide vs. The Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley & Chris Sabin). OH WAIT! Apparantly, it's just Daniels now. Damn you Batista for starting that trend! Awesome mustache though. I approve.


Anyways, did Don West sit on a large cumbersome object or something? He seems to really have it out for Daniels, claiming he's behind this whole Suicide shtick. Last I checked, both commentators were faces. Did something happen or did Russo just tell West to start acting like the biggest prick possible with no reasoning behind it? Though it seems as if....AMAZING RED! SOMEONE JUST SAID AMAZING RED! I may have to buy Sacrifice just for the pre-show now, then just avoid watching the rest of the train wreck that will be that pay-per-view.


Anyways, I find myself mildly interested in this whole Suicide story. Though I'm sure it'll be yet another former WWE superstar running off to TNA after being released. I shouldn't really word it like that, because obviously TNA is a fine option for them, I just couldn't find a good way to say it, and I don't care enough to re-word it. The only way I would care after the unmasking is if it is by some chance Austin Aries under there. I believe that would make me entirely flip my ****, blow a ****, and pledge my allegiance to at least 15 minutes of TNA per week.


Side Note: Goddammit, just Scott Steiner might make this show worth watching. He is one hilarious moron, that man. He should do the ring announcing and commentary on every single match and then I'd watch it.


Back to the show: OH BOY! Kevin Nash and Booker T! Well, the only good thing to come out of this segment is now I know what the Nation of Violence that I heard Mick Foley mention earlier is. Apparently, it's just Samoa Joe's nickname. That isn't even clever. Nor does it make sense. Is it SUPPOSED to be a poke at his size? He is a fat motherfucker (not that I don't respect him, man could wreck me).


iPhone's TNA Wrestling game...saw the preview. I really don't even know how to trash on this. Just look up the commercial on Youtube. In fact, I'll do it for you.....nevermind. I tried, and people care so little, I can't even find the trailer. Just this video here of someone messing around with it: .


I thought I just saw Nigel McGuinness with that British Invasion group. I'm pretty sure that's another thing that would have made me WAY too happy with TNA. Would have made having to sit through Bubba Ray talking....or doing anything for that matter, worthwhile. But I'm pretty sure it wasn't, so I'm going back to saying **** this feud. Completely useless filler of a beatdown from what I could tell. Beer Money, Inc. being faces is complete BS. I loved those guys as heels.


Now we get Sting vs. Eric Young. I find it very hard to say, but I'm slowly getting sick of Sting. I don't want to, because the man's awesome, but they need to give him something interesting to do, rather than being the tweener in the Main Event Mafia, playing the reluctant ally of Kurt Angle all the damn time. I haven't watched for what seems like months, and it seems his character is in the EXACT same place as it was then, and was for quite a bit before that as well.


AWESOME! TNA got me a prostitute to make up for watching their awful....oh wait nevermind. Sorry Angelina. At least we get Jim Cornette for this particular segment. I love this guy. He never ceases to entertain me with his over the top reactions to EVERY SINGLE ACTION of the performers. Amazingly, this is the best segment of the night thus far for me. Angelina Love is actually quite funny on the microphone and Awesome Kong plays her intimidating beast part perfectly (look at her though, it isn't hard). I actually think the only thing TNA one-ups WWE on is their women's division. The Knockout matches in TNA are actually worth staying around for, instead of using them as a bathroom break like the Diva matches in WWE.


I don't even want to do this anymore. I made it one hour and fifteen minutes into a broadcast and I don't think I can continue and trek through this garbage any longer. Do people actually watch this on a weekly basis and get some semblance of joy out of it? It just doesn't seem possible. The only reason I could see watching it is if you had a SEVERE wrestling addiction and needed something to watch between the individual showings of Superstars on Thursday nights. Even then, I would just rewatch some old tapes or DVDs over this tripe.


But I must force myself on. I'm probably gonna skip a lot of **** now, because I feel like a majority of this stuff is just insanely boring, and I'm just going to insult it for random reasons, when in reality, it's just the inane repetitive booking that is getting to me. I haven't watched in months and I feel like I'm still watching a repeat. I can't imagine what it's like to watch this week in and week out.


Matt Morgan: Hai guyz, I wuz in WWEs too? Can I haz membership nao?




Yay...Kurt Angle won. I honestly couldn't bring myself to even care enough to watch the entire match. I'm losing interest by the minute. And now we get the Nation of Violence versus Jeff Jarrett. Why in the world is Don West being a complete prick? A yeerk must have taken over his mind (no one will get that reference without Google, and I guarantee it). Wow, another TNA main event ending in a no contest. How shocking and original. Thank you so much for this amazing show Russo.


Now all that's left is to find out Mick Foley's mystery opponent. I'm willing to bet it's either Nash, Booker, or Steiner, and not someone new and exciting that they seem to be hyping up. This show is so bad, I've coined a new phrase for it. TNA cannot be considered wrestling OR entertainment. Therefore, it must be anti-tainment. Aren't I just the most clever bastard? Oh wait, they just said this man has never stepped foot in a TNA ring. So now I'm stumped. Let's see.......well......I just....this is ten minutes later now and I'm still not sure what happened. Let me sum it up with a conversation between myself and a friend I made watch it with me:


Ortega (10:52:30 PM): ...what

Dan (10:52:31 PM): wut

Dan (10:52:39 PM): WUT

Ortega (10:52:41 PM): what is this

Ortega (10:52:44 PM): WHAT IS THIS

Dan (10:52:51 PM): WHAT IS HAPPENING

Ortega (10:52:56 PM): this...

Ortega (10:53:03 PM): I've started crying

Ortega (10:53:09 PM): I... this can't be happening

Ortega (10:53:14 PM): I think I'm in hell

Dan (10:53:24 PM): i dont even..

For anyone not willing to look up the results of the show, I'll painfully divulge the results. The ending of the show saw Mick Foley introduce his opponent, a "former world champion" and a "household name"......ROCKY BALBOA! This was followed by a cardboard cutout of Rocky being carried to the ring, with a man standing behind it pretending to punch Foley, until Foley snapped, and gave the cutout the worst beating of its short life. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I wrote it literally scene for scene how it happened, so don't blame me.


I'm out. NEVER AGAIN. How do people watch this? I seriously would have rather stared at a blank television screen for the past two hours. My original plan called for me to explain what was wrong exactly with TNA, and suggestions on what they could do to go about changing it. I believe you could actually SEE my writing ability (which is minimal to begin with), deteriorate as the night went on. I no longer have the energy for this...I just want to lie down.


So grab me a futon, a pillow, and a cheese grater, and meet me in your dorm room. Now come along.....Oreo!


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