Monday, November 24, 2014 • Morning Edition • "The Outhousers of Earth Ugh"

Bumps, Pops, and Katie Vick 6/20/09: The Fall of the Raw Empire

on Saturday, June 20 2009 and posted in Features

How the mighty have fallen....

 

What in the world are the writers of Raw smoking now?

 

Donald Trump?

 

Really?

 

....really?

 

I frankly don't even know where to begin with this article. I originally had sat down to review WCW Starrcade 1998, and have gotten about midway through that review at the moment, but when I really thought about it, there was nothing better to write about than the current storyline unfolding on Raw.

 Donald. Trump.

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Why in the world would anyone want to watch a WRESTLING show run by Donald Trump? The only other angle he was ever involved in was a debatable disaster, and resulted in a terrible match at Wrestlemania, culminating with Vince McMahon having his head shaved. And they thought it would be a good idea to bring him back for more. As a seemingly permanent character this time, mind you.

 

It's no secret that since around Backlash, Raw has been....well, lackluster. Randy Orton as champion seemed so appealing several months back, but now it seems as if no one actually cares. The show is focused solely around his feud with either Triple H or Batista, and leaves hardly any room for other feuds on the program. Think about it. The other major feud was John Cena and The Big Show, which got significant TV time, but it seemed the exact same thing happened every week. Cena comes out, gets destroyed by Big Show, looks like a jackass. Pretty much the formula for every Cena feud. Replace Big Show with any member of the roster and it's damn near to a ‘T'.

 

I'm attempting to think back, and the only other things I can even slightly remember from Raw over the past few months are a few matches for the United States title (which were the highlight of the shows, guaranteed), and some hilarious Santina/Santino segments. That's it. Obviously more happened, but in such a short time block, or with so little care put into it, it's far from memorable. Yet I can remember hours worth of Batista/HHH/Orton promos, and Cena/Show beatdowns. What does this say about the show itself, which is supposedly WWE's flagship program?

 

So, it must have become obvious to even the writers that the show was suffering. Therefore, they HAD to come up with some genius idea to bring viewers back in and ratings back up, right? I wish I was there for this brainstorm session:

 

Writer #1: Jesus guys, Raw is going down the shitter...what can we do to put this thing back on it's feet?

Writer #2: Well, I suggest more Triple H. In fact, I think we should do a storyline where he wins all the championships, and attempts to hold them for an entire year, uninterrupted. That should get us ratings!

Writer #1: .......Hunter, we know it's you. All you did was put on sunglasses and a fake mustache....over your already existing one.

Writer #2: ...>_>.

Writer #3: What if....GOLDUST TAKES HORNSWOGGLE UNDER HIS WING!

Writer #1: I really don't think that's going to get ratings....

Writer #3: What if we throw Festus into the mix!

Writer #1: Now we're getting somewhere!

Writer #4: HURR DURR

Writer #1: GENIUS!

Writer #3: Fuck it, can't we just bring in an outside celebrity to bring the ratings up? Why should we use our own talent to make the show any better?

Writer #1: THAT REEKS OF RATINGS!

 

At this point, I'm 99% sure that WWE just grabs guys that play instruments on sidewalks for change, and tells them that they'll pay them double what they're earning playing "Cheeseburger in Paradise" in a Boston subway to write the storylines for Raw.

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The only good move to come out of this entire Donald Trump garbage pile is that Raw this coming Monday night is going to be commercial free. But seeing Trump's face on my television more than once in the night will most likely make me beg for a commercial break. Though I don't really need one. I see myself up and leaving the room for about 8,000 other reasons this Monday.

 

I sure as hell hope I'm wrong and this turns out to be a half-decent storyline. But I will bank on it that I'm not. In fact, I'm willing to bet my dignity on it. Here's the deal: if you read this article, and have a hunch that the storyline might be decent, drop me a PM on the message boards. In this PM, you may include any disgraceful act you wish me to do. If this storyline ends up being good, the first person who sent me the PM will receive a reply containing picture/video evidence of me committing the act, which can then be shared with anyone they wish, including the entirety of the Outhouse. I am THAT sure the storyline will be shit.

 

However, until then, grab a rusty spork, a copy of The Goonies on DVD, and a Whole Lotta Rosie, and meet me in Guantanamo Bay. Now come along, Slurpy!


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