Monday, May 21, 2018 • Evening Edition • "The comic book industry's inflamed butthole."

Your Top Teens part 49

Written by Chris Mitchell on Tuesday, October 20 2009 and posted in Features

People are gonna love AND hate this batch at the same time...


33. Gertrude Yorkes (88 points)

gertrudeyorkes.jpg"An awesome character, there's not much stereotypical about her and that made her a fun character."

Always was my favorite Runaway.

Gertrude Yorkes was one of the original six Runaways. Her first appearance demonstrated her sharp intellect and unusual appearance. She had a fuller figure, thick-rimmed glasses and purple hair (which she dyed that color as it had been the color of a scarf Nico had given her for her 15th birthday). She was deeply sarcastic and had distrusted her parents ever since was five. From an early age she had been aware that parents would lie to their children, and therefore deduced that all adults were evil. Something that she would continue to remind her team-mates of later, when they discovered that their parents were actually a group of criminal masterminds known as The Pride.

After observing their parents murdering a young prostitute during the Ritual of Blood, Gert and her friends ran away from home. In an attempt to find the murdered girl's body as evidence, they returned to the Yorkes' family home where they accidentally discovered a holographic will left for Gert. It featured her parents explaining that they were time-travelers who had left her a genetically altered dinosaur who was telepathically bonded to her. Later, when the young team of runaways chose new names for themselves Gert announced that her dinosaur was called Old Lace, while she chose to be called Arsenic (in reference to the stage play and film, Arsenic & Old Lace).

While extremely intellectual she was not a tactician like Alex Wilder, who led the team at the time. She was often left behind in The Hostel to baby-sit Molly Hayes and since Old Lace would cause too much commotion if she was spotted in public. Her sarcasm and pessimistic nature caused her to verbally spar off against Dagger, making derogatory comments about her skinny size and revealing outfit. She would also be the voice of reason, like when Nico Minoru and Karolina Dean were fighting over Topher, who she described as "some stupid boy" before he turned out to be a vampire.

During their attack on The Gibborim Gert saved the life of Chase Stein by performing Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation (CPR) after he'd been knocked unconscious underwater. After the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation brought him back from the dead, Chase surprised everyone by kissing Gert. An act she later reciprocated when Chase hot-wired the Leapfrog thereby saving their lives. She then told Old Lace that if anything should happen to her, that she (Old Lace) should take her orders from Alex. Soon after Gert was knocked unconscious it was revealed that Alex was a traitor and attempted to use Old Lace against the rest of the team. However, his control over the dinosaur ceased the instant Gert regained consciousness and "changed her mind".

The kisses with Chase led to a long term relationship and the two would shared the same bed and made innuendoes while in action. A few months later a future version of Gert crashed in The Hostel with the use of her parents' broken time-machine. Code-named Heroine, she had been the leader of The Avengers, but warned the young runaways of a dangerous super villain who had slaughtered her team and friends. She implored them to find Victor Mancha before he became the devastating villain called Victorious. The older Gert then passed away in Chase's arms before she was able to confess that she had always loved him.

Although Gert doubted that the older woman was herself from the future, the death of adult Gert moved Chase who vowed vengeance. However, their encounter with Victor Mancha was far from simple, and upon Gert's suggestion to give him a chance to redeem himself he ended up becoming inducted on the team. During his early days on the team Victor had difficulty interacting with his new team-mates, especially Chase who was jealous of Victor's intelligence & was worried that Gert was attracted to her intellectual match.

On a later trip to New York to help prove Cloak innocent of assault, the team was split into pairs but Gert & Chase were kept separated "Because all [they] would do is make out". Gert therefore ended up with Victor, while Nico teamed-up with Chase. While Gert and Victor had a comparatively quiet and sarcastic meeting with Spider-Man, Chase and Nico had a trans-dimensional encounter with Pusher-Man. Thanks to Chase's quick-thinking and natural ability to 'talk back', the two were able to escape unharmed. In the elation of the moment Nico kissed Chase, to which he immediately pushed her away. The two agreed never to mention the chance encounter again to prevent hurting Gert's feelings.

After their return to California, the team was soon attacked by a new group calling themselves The Pride. The new team consisted of internet friends who had known Alex Wilder before he discovered their parent's true identity. They were led by a younger version of Alex's father, Geoffrey Wilder, who had been time-displaced from 1985. During their encounter with the runaways Lotus revealed the guilty secret of Nico & Chase's kiss. During the ensuing fight between Nico, Gert and Chase the Pride managed to kidnap Molly Hayes, in order to lure Nico into a trap. He had intended on murdering her to exchange her soul for the resurrection of his wife and son.

Gert ended her relationship with Chase, and the team went to save Molly. Wilder's plan failed, but he took Chase hostage in the ensuing chaos. He threatened to sacrifice Chase, but Gert threatened to use Old Lace to kill him the instant he did. Although Wilder did not injure Chase, he threw his knife at Gert. Mortally wounded she lay dying in Chase's arms in a similar way as her older self had done previously. In her dying moments she transferred her psychic connection with Old Lace to Chase and tried to confess that she still loved him, but died before she could complete what she was saying.

32. Damian Wayne (91 points - 5 first place slots)

damiandickbag.jpgCommence bitching, everyone.

The son of Batman and Talia Al Ghul, Damian Wayne has been raised by his mother in the harrowing world of the League of Assassins. After a battle with her new ninja Man-bats at an art gallery, Talia kidnapped the English Prime-Minster's wife and left Damian with Batman so he would slow down his work. As a spoiled and violent child, Damian at first had no respect for his father, Robin, Alfred or his war on crime. Robin was also angry about Damian and after informing Batman about the Spook holding the mayor hostage he storms off. Damian threw a fit when he had his sword taken and wasn't allowed to get a laptop. However after being shown his father's scary side he was soon put in his place and gain a true but misguided want to help his father.

Batman left to battle the Spook and after saving an undercover officer and the hostages he found the Spook's headless body. Tim returned to the cave and found Damian had escaped. After some more of Damian's attitude he said “Fight crime. I can do that. I fought crime tonight. Crime Lost". He showed Tim The Spooks head with a grenade in it. Damian detonated the grenade and began fighting Tim. During the fight Tim had to save Damian from almost being eaten by the robotic T-Rex in the cave. After a short talk, Damian sucker-punched Tim and donned a Robin shirt and mask along with his assassin gear and a cloak and hood. He tracked down his father and the two rushed back. He freed Alfred and told him to help Tim.

After pleading with his father for help he told him his mother wanted a garrison at Gibraltar. After asking Kirk Langstrom for help Batman went after Talia with Damian. When they landed, Damian and Batman battled his mother's Man-bat's. Batman was going to give the two another chance, however the ship they were on was destroyed by a torpedo. Batman survived and found only Domain’s cloak. While they both survived Damian required massive surgery and many organ transplants which his mother gathered. Afterwards, she took Damian to Australia to learn of his grandfather's history from his servant, the White Ghost.

However the White Ghost revealed that Damian was meant to be the vessel for the return of Ra's ah Ghul after his death. But Batman showed up to save Damian and the White Ghost accidentally died by failing into a Lazarus pit. After Ra's return he informs Damian that he wants to use his body as a replacement for his damaged one. He refuses and after battling his grandfather's ninjas leaves to inform his father. He also has a run in with Robin while searching for his father. After meeting Robin both of them are captured by Ra's Al Ghul. Ra's intends to use either of them as a new host and is going to force Batman to make the choice.

Batman instead offers his body to Ra's but Ra's refuses the offer, feeling he needs someone younger. Batman offers a third choice the "Fountain of Essence," which contains the qualities like those of the Lazarus Pit. Batman and Ra's go in search of the fountain, leaving Tim, Damian, Nightwing, Alfred and Talia to battle the Sensei. Damian leaves his mother and Tim for dead, while he goes off to be with his father. Unfortunately, he ends up being captured by Ra's and nearly loses his life to Ra's. Batman and the others manage to save him, and Talia takes her son and escapes.

Gotham has gone to hell and Robin and Nightwing are trying their hardest to set it right. They have developed the Network, made up of their best allies to help. Robin and Squire tracked and were about to take down some robbers but before they could take them down some else does. Robin and Squire don't see the person but he leaves them a note saying “I AM BATMAN”. But before anything can be said, Nightwing calls Robin for back up with a gang. Meanwhile a van full of Gotham's most dangerous criminal is on its way to Arkham but the van is stopped by a small army of goons lead by the Black Mask. After the criminals are off the van Arkham is blown up. Many criminals have realized that the Batman is no longer around. In the Batcave Nightwing is looking at all of Batman's different suits when Tim walks in saying that one of them [Tim or Dick] needs to become the new Batman, however Nightwing shrugs this off, so Tim tells Dick about a man running around in a custom made Batman suit fighting crime [possibly Jason Todd], who is no beginner but experienced and knew what he was doing.

Tim uses his detective skills to work out where the phony Batman's hideout is, but Tim decides not to confront the fake Batman as Robin, but as Batman. He uses the silver age Batman suit. Meanwhile, Damian is joy riding in a Batmobile with a friend when Oracle calls him to do a sweep of the docks. When Damian's friend starts talking, Oracle takes control of the car and presses the eject button on Damian's friend's seat. The girl goes flying into a small stream where Killer Croc and Poison Ivy are trying to track the Batmobile. Croc eats the girl then knocks the car off the road into the stream, Damian is terrified and tries to talk his way out of it, however Croc intends to eat Damian anyway. However Nightwing flies in on a hang glider and saves Damian. While they are flying they are shot out of the air. On the ground they are quickly surrounded by goons when the faux Batman comes in and shoots the goons.

Dick begins to fight the phony Batman. While they're fighting Dick revels he knows who the Phony Batman is: Jason Todd, Jason shoots Damian in the chest then flees the fight. Back at Black Mask's hide out he is planning to blow up Gotham police headquarters with Firefly and Adam Bomb. Meanwhile Tim [dressed in the Silver Age Batman suit] has found Jason's Batcave, but he is not alone; Catwoman has followed Tim thinking he was the one killing people. At the same time Dick discovers that Tim had taken the Bat suit.

Jason sneaks up on Catwoman and knocks her out. Tim and Jason begin to fight with Tim obviously the better fighter out of the two, but Jason uses his knowledge of his cave to lure Tim into a pit where he repeatedly slashes him with a Batarang. In the middle of the fight Jason asks Tim to be his Robin, but Tim refuses and picks up a crowbar, and begins to beat Jason with it. However Jason manages to stab Tim in the gut with the Batarang and leaves him to die.

With Gotham on fire Dick tells the network to hunt down the Black Mask while he goes looking for Tim. Back at the Bat-Cave Damian has recovered and wants to go out to help, but Alfred tells him it’s time to earn his keep and gives Damian his suit [the classic Robin tunic with the League of Assassins robes] and tells him to go with Squire and find Tim. With Penguin caught by the police instead of making a move for the city, Two-Face is forced to flee the city by the new Black Mask. Dick is deeply upset at his adopted brother’s disappearance and won't rest until he finds Tim. Dick manages to track Tim by using an old tracking device in the Bat-suit Tim was wearing to Jason’s cave, where he finds Tim’s cape and cowl hung on a cross. Dick picks it up and is electrocuted, Jason appears but before the fight can begin Dicks uses a holographic message that Bruce recorded before his death.

The holographic Bruce says that Jason was his biggest failure and that he need to be repaired mentally, he continues to say that he loved him but it was a mistake to train him, Jason and Dick begin to fight but as with Jason’s fight with Tim, Jason is the lesser skilled fighter of the two but again Jason uses his knowledge of his cave and gadgets to try to beat his opponent but this time it doesn’t work Dick is going ballistic at Jason for telling him that Tim is dead.

In the tunnels of Jason’s cave a wounded but a very much alive Tim Drake (Wayne) makes his way out of the tunnels, he revels that he used a martial art technique called the possum reflex that Bruce taught him, the technique enables Tim to slow his heart rate to eight beats per minute which lead Jason to believe that he was dead but he says that it was the Bat-suits heavy armor that saved him.

Jason sets off bombs he laid in his cave. The explosions make all the tunnels cave in. Tim is too injured to move quickly, and the ground collapse beneath him but before he can fall to his death, Damian and Squire save him. The explosion forces Dick’s and Jason’s fight outside on to a moving train. Jason tells Dick that he is only mad at Dick because he didn’t take up the cowl, so Jason did, but Dick thinks Jason is only over-compensating for his past actions. Dick finishes the fight, but his final blow is more powerful that he expected, and sends Jason to the edge of the bridge. Jason only just hangs on. Dick tries to save Jason, but Jason refuses to take his hand and lets go of the edge, seemingly falling to his death.

A few days later Dick steps down to the bat-cave as the new Batman with Damian as the new Robin.

31. TMNT (93 points)


The story if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starts in Japan in the year 1964 with the pet rat of Hamato Yoshi. The rat would often watch his owner as he practiced Ninjitsu and would try and mimic him. Yoshi was the best warrior of the Foot Clan, his only rival was a man named Oroku Nagi with whom he competed in all things but none more fiercely than for the love of tha lady Tang Shen. Both tried to woo her but from the beginning she loved only Yoshi. One day Yoshi walked into Shen's home to find her being beaten by Nagi who demanded that she love him, enraged by this Yoshi fought and killed Nagi.

Yoshi's shame was great, by killing a member of his own clan he had only two options; to end his own life and hope for honor in the next or flee to another country. Yoshi chose the latter and took Shen and his pet rat along with him to immigrate to New York. Back in Japan Nagi's younger brother Oroku Saki vowed vengeance against those responsible for the death of his brother. He enrolled in the Foot Clan and over the years became their deadliest warrior. The Foot decided to expand its influence to the rest of the world and chose Saki to lead its American branch. Using this opportunity for revenge Saki set up the Foot in New York and took on the persona of "Shredder". He tracked down Yoshi and Shen and killed both of them in cold blood.

Leaving only Yoshi's pet rat he scavenged the streets for food until one day he saw a road accident involving a truck carrying toxic waste. Out of the truck a canister came flying out which struck a bowl of four baby turtles which was being carried by a young boy. The canister and the four turtles fell into an open manhole. The rat followed them down onto the sewers and saw the four turtles covered on the ooze which was spilling out of the now broken canister. Not knowing exactly why he gathered them up getting ooze on himself. He awoke the next morning to the shock that they had doubled in both size and intellect. The four turtles followed the rat everywhere except above ground. They all began walking upright but the rat received a shock when one day one of the turtles actually spoke the word "Splinter" and in doing so named the rat, soon they all began to speak.

Knowing that the outside world not understand them Splinter began training them in the art of Ninjutsu that he had learned from his Master Yoshi. With an old renaissance art book that he found in a storm drain he gave them all names; Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael.

When the turtles were thirteen years of age, after facing off against a Street Gang known as the Purple Dragons Splinter decides that their training is now complete and told them the full story of their origin. He had grown old now and thought that he had not long to live and so charged the turtles to avenge the death of his Master by killing The Shredder.

Raphael was chosen to deliver the message to Shredder. He infiltrated the Foot Clan's Head Quarters dispatching many of the ninja guards. Spying Oroku Saki inside a separate building doing business he threw one of his sais through the window. attached was a note which challenged Shredder to a dual to the death to restore the honor of Hamato Yoshi.

The turtles arrived on the roof top location specified on the note and waited for their foe. From afar Saki now in his Shredder guise watched and wondered who the four mysterious creatures were and how his murder of Yoshi could still come back to haunt him. Facing the turtles they suddenly were surrounded by Foot Ninja with which they did battle. The turtles managed to defeat the Foot with some injuries. It was then that the Shredder chose to face the turtles. The four turtles initially tried to battle the Shredder individually but the armored warrior was too strong. They decided to face him all together, not faring much better until Leonardo managed to plunge his

Katana through the Shredder's torso. As the Shredder lay bleeding he told the turtles to "finish it" but Leonardo refused, offering him his Katana saying that would regain his honor if he ended his own life. Saki refused and took out a Thermite Bomb which would wipe the rooftop clean of all life. Donatello quickly used his Bo Staff to knock Shredder and the bomb off the roof. As he fell the bomb exploded killing The Shredder. With their mission complete the four turtles returned home.


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