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Church Of Wisdom000 - Happy Thanksgiving

Written by wisdom000 on Thursday, November 26 2009 and posted in Features

A tale of Thanksgiving, so no one forgets what the holiday is really about.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone...

Today is that magical day, a day of remembrance and thankfullness, and eating, lots and lots of eating. 

Today we celebrate the day when little baby Jesus sailed across the ocean to land at Plymouth Rock (Now Dodge/Chrysler/Plymouth Rock, check em out they have great holiday deals).  He brought with him wonderful White People and their slaves.  But by the time they got there, the White People were hungry, and their slaves were to lazy to cook.  Jesus, being an emo kinda guy, started cutting himself.  And his blood became gravy.  Then, so they would have something to put the gravy over and not look like trailer trash just drinking gravy, Jesus cut off one of his toes, and it became a giant bird.  

Tragically Jesus was drunk on egg-nog at the time, and so the bird was a wild crazed thing with a flappy neck and a tumor-like bit of skin called a snood that hung from it's face like a piece of fleshy snot.  They named the bird Turkey, and it's rampage was a terrible thing to behold.  It destroyed the boats and the peoples homes.  It's mighty snood quivered terribly as it laid waste to all that stood before it.  Jesus, drunk and suffering from blood loss, had passed out by this time, and things looked bad for the frightened White People and their slaves.  The White People were left to forage pumpkins for food while the slaves looted cranberries to mix with their gin.

Then when all seemed its most bleak, the Injuns appeared on the horizon.  They had brought with them Casinos, and used bright flashy lights, free drinks, and the promise of easy money to fool Turkey, who had to sell his Ford Festiva to cover his losses.  Destitute and defenseless the Brave White Men shot and killed Turkey, and the slave Women slaved over the Turkey all day preparing a feast.  The Turkey was had by all, but even when offered breast and thigh, the slaves chose to eat only the feet and necks.  No one ate the snood, for it looked like the droopy clitoris of an elderly obese prostitute.

In their gratitude the generous and benevolent White Men gave the Injuns booze and cholera. The White men also gave them new White Men names and introduced them to Jesus, who had lost so much blood at this point from making gravy, that he too looked white and pasty.  This didn't impress the Injuns much, but the patient and tolerant White Men educated the Injuns by killing enough of their women and children that they too came to accept Jesus as their personal savior.  The surviving Injuns were so grateful they decided to all move into reservations and give the rest of this new land to the fair and just White Men.  They called this new land Uhmer'ka. 

So my children, while you are sitting there in your easy chair, watching football, unfastening your pants to let loose your distended stomachs still sore from your gluttony.  Give a moments remembrance to those White Men who sacrificed so much for you. And when you are finally able to heft your porcine bellies, stuffed to bursting, off your couch and waddle off to bed, give thanks that in the morning you will be able to enter battle for low low savings on name brand items. 

Peace be with you

PS: Eat the snood, not only is it guaranteed to make you lose weight, but it also cures caner, diabetes, AIDS, and ingrown toenails.

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