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An Idiot's Guide to Superheroes: 2010 Recap

Written by Christian Hoffer on Monday, January 03 2011 and posted in Columns

Idiot's Guide covers everything that happened last year.  And by everything, I mean EVERYTHING.


This is An Idiot's Guide to Superheroes. It's part fact, part opinion, and part bullshitting my way through 75 years worth of literature that is both entertaining and slightly ridiculous. An Idiot's Guide to Superheroes is not meant to be taken 100% seriously nor is it 100% factual.

If you come away learning something new, I applaud you. Knowledge is power and knowing is half the battle...or something like that. Otherwise, I apologize for wasting the next five to ten minutes of your life.


Imagine falling into a coma on December 31, 2009. Bruce Wayne was dead, Norman Osborn ruled the Marvel universe and zombies were attempting to rip out the heart of that tool, Hal Jordan. If you woke up today, January 1st, 2011, and took a look at the most recent books on the spinner racks, you'd probably be lost as to what happened. So for those of you who missed 2010, here's An Idiot's Guide to Superheroes: 2010 Recap.

Major Plotlines

Siege: Norman Osborn, pissed about Black Heimdall, invades Asgard. Steve Rogers says no. The Sentry goes schitzo, starts killing gods. Thor throws him into the sun.
Fatalities: Loki, Ares, the Sentry.
End Result: Steve Rogers takes over the Marvel Universe. Norman Osborn goes to prison.

Blackest Night: Zombies invade DC universe. Hal Jordan sucks ass, but still saves day. Zombies get last laugh by releasing Green Lantern trailer. Mankind despairs.
Fatalities: None in 2010 but a bunch of people died in 2009.
End Result: Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, and the first Firestorm came back to life. Hal Jordan becomes even more of an asshat.

Return of Bruce Wayne: Do I really need to sum up the plot on this one?
Fatalities: All the brain cells dedicated to trying to figure out what the hell happened in the mini-series.
End Result: Bruce Wayne returned and announced his plan to put a Batman in every relevant country. First stop: Norway.

X-Men: Second Coming: Evil robots want teenaged mutant. X-Men says no. San Francisco gets invaded by robots. Fox News rejoices. Nightcrawler dies. People cry. Cable dies saving a Wolverine clone and a guy whose mutant power is to talk shit in every language.
Fatalities: Nightcrawler, Bastion, Cable, Vanisher
End Result: Cyclops has a teenaged redhead to look after. What's the age of consent in San Francisco?

Justice League: Cry for Justice: Dan Didio reveals his hatred of Green Arrow and blows up city, kills granddaughter, rips off Arsenal's arm and ends his marriage to Black Canary. On the plus side, we were gifted with a tweaked out Arsenal beating bad guys with a dead cat. So yeah.
Fatalities: Prometheus, Liam Harper, Bwana Beast
End Result: DC provides the comic blogosphere with easy jokes for the remainder of the year.  Thanks, DC!

Shadowland: A devil possesses Daredevil. Ninjas get stabbed. So does Bullseye.
Fatalities: Bullseye, public opinion that Daredevil was a good read.
End Result: Daredevil grows a beard and leaves. Black Panther takes over Hell's Kitchen.

Brightest Day: Aquaman reveals himself to be sort of a badass, picks up black sidekick. Hawkman and Hawkwoman go back to being lame, Martian Manhunter gets some ass from a crazy green chick, and Firestorm attempts to sing "Ebony and Ivory". Also, Deadman comes alive.
Fatalities: Countless nameless people, but shockingly no heroes.
End Result: Still ongoing.

Justice League: Generation Lost: The JLI tells Dan Didio to get bent, becomes DC's best book of 2010. Also, Magog is killed, thus correcting a wrong that should have never been made.
Fatalities: Magog
End Result: Still ongoing.

Thanos Imperative: More hardcore Marvel Cosmic Mayhem. A Cancerverse invades, more awesome shit goes down. World is saved.
Fatalities: Drax the Destroyer
End Result: Nova and Starlord are stuck in a collapsing universe with a really pissed off Thanos. Rocket Raccoon still awesome.

Flash: Rebirth: In a twist of irony, the Fastest Man Alive's book is one of the slowest to come out. However, Barry Allen isn't as boring as previously thought.
Fatalities: Whoever promised this book was coming out on a monthly basis.
End Result: Barry Allen comes back. Everyone at DC forgets about Wally West.

War of the Supermen: DC promptly undoes all the changes done to the Superman franchise in two years.
Fatalities: Bunch of characters no one cared about.
End Result: People care even less about the Superman franchise now.

Goodbye...

Nightcrawler: Sorry the X-Office didn't know what to do with you. Luckily, they established your dad was the devil, so we're sure you won't be gone long.

Thor: The Mighty Avenger: Proof that the comic buying public are idiots.

Dr. Voodoo: Who would have thought that Bendis would have quickly gotten rid of one his "Lame 70's character" reclamation projects so quickly?

Ryan Choi: Dude, you got the shaft. You got killed in your own home to start off a terrible Titans run, which no one even reads. And then your friend and mentor Ray Palmer doesn't even bother to care.

Cable: I never did find out what was in all those pouches. Now the world will never know.

Tempest, girl Hawk, Hawkgirl, Damage, Captain Boomerang Jr.: I think all of you have already been replaced. We will probably never hear of you again.

Doc Samson: Wait, you died? How the hell did I miss this?

Madame Web: I thought you were only in the 90s animated TV show....so oops?

Spiderwoman III: Should have been Spiderwoman I, in my humble opinion.

Hello!

Aqualad: Busting down stereotypes and being generally awesome since 2010.

Leonardo Da Vinci: Builds space suit, flies into sun, picks up baby Celestial. Was this before or after Assassin's Creed 2?

Nick Spencer: Comic creator who exploded onto scene with Morning Glories, Jimmy Olsen and THUNDER Agents. The next, best hope for DC?

American Vampire: Best comic series of 2010? It's hard to find one better.

Other Stuff that Happened in 2010

JMS rebooted Wonder Woman. She now wears a coat. JMS then realized how lame that was and quit the series.

JMS took Superman for a walk. He then realized how lame that was and left.

Both DC and Marvel announced an end to the $3.99 price point. Then they kept it, but only on series that people wouldn't buy anyways. By that logic, will we be seeing a $110 Aquaman/Dazzler crossover soon?

Geoff Johns became the Chief Creative Officer of DC, in charge of correlating DC's comic properties to other medium. Jeez, Geoff, I didn't realized you hated Green Lantern so much.

One issue of Image United got released. It's as if Image is trying to prove how shitty the 90's were.

Marvel and DC got into a pissing match to see who could release more Batman and Wolverine comics. The winner? Not the fans.

The Outhouse got quoted on the back of a comic. Too bad it was a negative review.

New Year's Resolution

Find more fun books and drop more crappy ones. 


Written or Contributed by: BlueStreak

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About the Author - Christian Hoffer


Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.

 


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The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!