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Fifty Reasons Batman Sucks

Written by ThanosCopter on Monday, May 21 2012 and posted in Features

 

Batman can't be the World's Greatest Detective, Detective Chimp clearly has that role filled already.

 


I keep seeing stories about this Batman character pop up from time to time on the Internet and about how awesome he is.  Like any good comics journalist, I did some research and discovered that Batman might be the lamest character ever created.  It's stunning that this lameass character has been featured in multiple movies before much stronger franchises such as Youngblood or Deadpool have really gotten a fair shake at the box office. After a full weekend of in-depth researching, here are the top fifty reasons why Batman's a crappy character.

1)   His origin.

If a nine year old billionaire's son watched his parents get gunned down in front of him, you know what would happen?  The kid would pay millions in psychiatry bills, blow even more money on coke, marry the first girl he met that didn't give him herpes and end up becoming the silent investor for the Portland Trail Blazers' ownership team.  Under no circumstances would he wage a one man war on crime.  It's never happened before and it never will.

2)   Poorly defined set of powers.

When I think of a bat, I think of three things: flight, radar, blindness.  Does Batman possess any of these?  Nope.  His only power is unlimited money.  He can't even talk to bats. 

3)   His constant child endangerment.

The use of an impressionable adolescent as a body shield for bullets is reckless, dangerous and just plain wrong.  Even worse is how cool Batman makes it seem. There are probably millions of children who'd want nothing more than to take a bullet for Batman.

4)   His methods are ineffective I.

So you want to clean up your city and have billions of dollars at your disposal.  Should you start some rehab centers, soup kitchens, free clinics, low income housing, or other self-funded social programs?  Or do you dress up as a rodent and terrorize petty drug dealers?

joker5)   His villains are lame.

Clowns, crocodiles, obese midgets, and walking refrigerators.  These are all things that belong in a Stephen King novel, not a believable superhero comic.

6)   He won't kill.

All the coolest heroes kill.  The Punisher, Judge Dredd, Captain America, Wolverine and Green Lantern are all known cold-blooded killers and are among the most popular heroes in the world.  Cool superheroes kill.  It's a fact.

7)   His methods are ineffective II.

After the fifteenth time Joker's busted out of Arkham Asylum and killed a bus full of schoolchildren, one has to really wonder if you're going about things the right way?  If you want to be a lameass and not put a bullet through the Joker's head, so be it, but he's going to be a lot less able to kill stuff if he doesn't have hands.  Just sayin'.

8)   He's 90 years old.

A man that old should not still be running around in tights on rooftops.  He belongs in a nursing home for the mentally deranged.

9)   His costume is poorly designed.

Most costumes don't have nipples built into the suit, eyebrows drawn into the cowl, or a big yellow target on your chest.

10)   His costumes are lame I.

caveman-batman
11)   His costumes are lame II.

pirate-batman
12)   His costumes are lame III.

pet_cosplay_batman2
13)   He's a chameleon of race.

There's a Black Batman, an Indian Batman, and a Japanese Batman.  One person cannot be black, Indian and Japanese, unless they have magic shapeshifting abilities (which Batman does not have since he's powerless!) Hell, there's even a British Batman, and that's not even a race!

14)   He's a Ripoff I
 

mk
Moon Knight - Batman Inspiration?

He's clearly a ripoff of Moon Knight, who is also a powerless, crazy vigilante.

15)   He's a Ripoff II

He's clearly a ripoff of Nite Owl, who is also a powerless, crazy vigilante.

16)   He's a Ripoff III

He's clearly a ripoff of Catman, who is also a powerless, crazy vigilante.

17)   He's a Ripoff IV

He's clearly a ripoff of Bartman, who is also a powerless, crazy vigilante.

18)    He's a Ripoff V
 

dexter-main
Dexter - Batman Inspiration?

He's clearly a ripoff of Dexter, who is also a powerless, crazy vigilante.

19)   He's a Ripoff VI

He's clearly a ripoff of Superman, who is also a powerless, crazy vigilante.

20)   His movies are awful.

Between George Clooney, Jack Nicholson and Tommy Lee Jones, The Dark Knight was one of the worst movies I've ever watched.  George Clooney didn't even act like a charmer in it!

21)   Capes don't deflect bullets.

They never have and they never will.  A Kevlar cape strong enough to deflect bullets would weigh like 300 pounds and would be ridiculous to wear around the rooftops of Gotham.

22)   A Batcave is an awful base of operations.

A cave would be an awful choice to house billions of dollars of high-tech equipment.  Batmobiles, Batcopters, Batcycles, and the Batcomputer would all constantly be damaged by the dank and humid environment of a cave, not to mention the rodents and calcification of things.  Unless Batman has a Bathumidifier running on overdrive, it's simply impractical to keep all of your cool electronics stored in a cave.

23)    He's not a very good detective.

Entering a piece of cloth into a supercomputer to analyze it is not valid detective work.  By that reasoning, all of the mouthbreathers on 4chan are the world's greatest detectives too for having easy access to the Internet and way too much time on his hands.

24)    The Batgod Thing is Overrated

Who would win in a fight, Batman or the American Army?  Ask any nerd this question and they'll reply "Batman, with enough prep time."

Batman versus God?  "Batman, with enough prep time."

Batman versus a tag team of Superman, Thor, Vishnu and Cthulhu?  "Batman, with enough prep time."

There are some fights that a MAN, even one dressed as a Bat, should not be able to win. 

25)    He overuses the Batmotif.

Batmobile, Batplane, Batcopter, Batcycle, Batarang, Batcomputer, Batcave, Batdog, Batarmor, Batboat, Batbed, Battracer, Batzipline, Batpod,Batpad, Batmac, Batdehumidifier, Batcondoms, and Batbelt.  If he had any more Bat-themed items, we'd be calling him a crazy Bat lady and mocking him behind his back.

26)    His age is wildly inconsistent.

Sometimes he's portrayed as a toddler, sometimes he's portrayed as an old man.  Which is it?  Make up your mind, DC!

27)    He doesn't care much about legality.

A first year law student would be able to get any evidence collected by Batman thrown out of court.  A high schooler could get any arrest assisted by Batman out of court.  The law is not on Batman's side.

28)    He shouldn't have survived this I

zealot-kills-batman
29)   He shouldn't have survived this II

Bane-Breaking-Batman
30)   He shouldn't have survived this III

batman_omega
31)   He shouldn't have survived this IV

Batman__robin_poster
32)   He's part of the 1%.

Does the Occupy Movement mean nothing to the comic book industry?  This is a man who owns a corporation that has no discernable purpose besides making Batman new gadgets for him to oppress the masses with.  Next thing, you'll be telling me that heroes like Iron Man, Blue Beetle or Green Arrow are also industrial bigwigs.

33)   He's a paranoid motherfucker.

He keeps files on all of the other superheroes, just in case one of them needs to be "put down".  That's right, Mr. "I Dole Out Justice with my Batfists because Mommy and Daddy got shot" thinks that the other superheroes could go evil.  They're not masquerading as rodents at night, so they must be untrustworthy.

34)   His villains are lame II
 

catwoman
This happened because of Batman.

Catwoman was the worst movie ever.  Catwoman is Batman villain.  There's a correlation.

35)    His villains are lame III.

Elektra was the second worst movie ever.  Elektra could easily have been a Batman villain.  There's still a correlation.

36)    He didn't appear in Smallville.
Aquaman, Cyborg, the Flash, Green Arrow, Booster Gold, the Blue Beetle, Hawkman, Green Lantern, Stargirl, Dr. Fate and the motherfuckin' Wonder Twins all showed up in that show.  If Batman wasn't good enough to appear in it, then he's obviously really lame.

37)    The best Batman adaptation ever is a twenty year old cartoon show.
When cartoons such as Transformers, GI Joe, and the X-Men have all successfully made the transition to bigger and better things and fanboys are still drooling over a twenty year old cartoon adaptation that was sandwiched in between Animaniacs and Yu-Gi-Oh, there's probably something wrong with that superhero.

38)   Heath Ledger died because of Batman.

Nuff said.

39)   Not enough animal companions.

Superman has a Superdog, a Supercat, a Superhorse, a Supermonkey and an Antarctic zoo full of alien creatures.  Batman has a British butler.

40)    His villains want to give him boners I.

boner
41)    His villains want to give him boners II.

catwoman-sex-scene
42)   Poor Casting Decisions I

Batman should have been played by Nathan Fillion in the Dark Knight Rises.

43)   Poor Casting Decisions II

Catwoman should have been portrayed by Zooey Deschanel in Dark Knight Rises.

44)   Poor Casting Decisions III

The Dark Knight Rises should have been directed by Michael Bay.

batman-darth-vader-cosplay45)    Mark Hamill is his greatest villain.

If Luke Skywalker is your archnemesis, you dress up all in black and you have a cape, doesn't that make you Darth Vader?  Mind blown.

46)    There are too many comics about him.

Batman, Detective Comics, Batman and Robin, Batman Incorporated, and Batman: The Dark Knight are all on comic stands right now.  Which one is the real Batman?  How can Batman be in so many places at once?  Which Batman story matters the most?

47)    His villains are lame IV

At various times, he he's fought Professor Pyg, Maxie Zeus, the Mad Hatter, the White Rabbit, Calendar Man, the Cluemaster, Man-Bat, KGBeast, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, the Flamingo, Mr. Toad, Jack in the Box, the Actuary, the Bad Samaritan, Billy Numerous, The Bouncer, The Calculator, Colonel Sulfur, Cyber Cat, Doctor No Face, Doodlebug, Gorilla Boss, King Tut, Pearly King, Penny Plunderer, The Synaptic Kid, and Zebra Man.  Do any of those sound like credible villains to you?

48)    He might be a pedophile.

batman_and_robin_kiss
49)    If he gets caught in your hair, you could catch rabies and die.

It's a well-known fact about bats.

Hot-Toys-The-Avengers-Hawkeye-Limited-Edition-Collectible-Figurine_PR12
More qualified than Batman?

50)    He's not an Avenger.

He's not part of the best superhero team of all time.  If he couldn't beat out Hawkeye for a spot on the team, why would he be good enough for anyone else?






Originally, this list also included 51) He has no friends before my editor pointed out that Superman regularly eats lunch with him out of pity.  If that's not a sign of what a crappy character he is, I don't know what is.

Much thanks to Dr. Albert Oxford for the inspiration!
 

Written or Contributed by: ThanosCopter



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About the Author - ThanosCopter


ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
 

 


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