Dreamworks has purchased Classic Media for $155 million, gaining the rights to He-Man, Voltron, and other classic cartoons!
DreamWorks Animation, the studio known colloquially as "not Pixar," announced today that it has purchased Classic Media, which earns them rights to make good but not quite Pixar-quality movie adaptations of properties like He-Man, Voltron, Casper the Friendly Ghost, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Archie, Gumby, and Dick Tracy.
"We're very excited about these new properties, and the opportunities they present to make movies that will be regarded as 'very enjoyable, but not as good as Toy Story or Finding Nemo,'" said a DreamWorks executive who wished to remain nameless on the grounds that we made him up.
In particular, the company is reported to be very excited about He-Man, a property which has failed to be successfully relaunched about 14 times since it was inexplicably popular in the 1980s. "We're gonna take another crack at it," said the executive. "We feel that now is the right time, with all of that 'gay stuff' happening in geek culture."
Indeed, gay is flaming hot right now, with Marvel's same-sex marriage in Astonishing X-Men getting a lot of press last month, as well as DC's initiative to turn every classic hero gay in a series of increasingly more desperate universe reboots. He-Man, long regarded as "super-gay" by those in the know, makes the perfect entry point for DreamWorks into the gay arena.
The He-Man mythos is extremely adaptable to modern gay sensibilities. Prince Adam is an adorable twink imbued with fabulous powers by The Sorceress, guardian of the mysteries of Castle Grayskull, presumably a late-night bondage club. Adam keeps his double life as a sado-masochistic warrior secret from all but his closest friends, sexy bear Man-at-Arms, fruit fly Teela, and his giant cat, Cringer. "We plan to treat this very tastefully," said our fictional executive.
No word yet on when we can expect to see the first adaptation from one of these properties, but hey, Monsters University, the sequel to Pixar's Monsters Inc., comes out next year!