Archie comics has been talking some trash about Marvel DC. Oooohhh! Fight! Fight!
In an interview on Newsarama pimping The Crusaders, a blatant Avengers rip-off, Archie president Mike Pellerito was allegedly "running his mouth" about Marvel and DC, and how their comics are scary and inappropriate for children.
"New Crusaders is like that. I wouldn't necessarily put it in front of an Archie reader," said Pellerito, implying that the average Archie reader is too mature and discerning for dumb-ass superhero comics, "but I wouldn't be horrified if an Archie reader read it, the way I might if they picked up one of those modern Marvel or DC books that kind of scare me, that I don't want to leave out with my kids around the house."
"What the fuck?" we imagine Marvel head honcho Joe Quesada to have responded. "Why doesn't he come and say that our face?"
Quesada, an overweight but intimidating man, began pacing around the room, clearly agitated, stripping off his outer shirt to reveal a sweaty tank top, and then thumping his chest with both fists. "I'm talking about respect, you know? You don't talk shit like that behind a guy's back, not if you're a man."
In that same fantasy, Dan Didio, the mustachioed chief of DC Comics, said that "someone's looking to get fucked up." Didio punched a wall. "Dan Didio ain't nothin' to fuck with." We are pretty sure he had been drinking.
"Mike Pellerito knows where we're at," said Didio. "We ain't hard to find. He can come at us any day, and time, and he'll get fucked up. What?!"
"Yeah!" added a shirtless Christian Bale, who appears in all this reporter's fantasies for reasons we don't care to discuss.
"He'll be eating through a straw for the rest of his life," said Mark Waid, who just likes to fight.
Pellerito, since making the comments, has not been heard from, and it is believed that he may be "scared like a little girl."
The Outhouse will keep readers up to date on this breaking story.