Marvel to Use Free Digital Comics to Destroy the Direct Market
- Written by ThanosCopter on Monday, August 06 2012 and posted in News and Satire
The company announced its plan to give free digital copies away with every issue.
Source: Marvel Press Release
In their latest attempt to destroy comic retailers across the nation, Marvel has announced that it will be giving away free digital copies with all of its $3.99 books. While retailers had long stood behind a great wall of brick, mortar and hard copies of comics, many store owners are worried that the new comics will be the final blow to an already faltering market.
On the surface, it almost seems like the plan could help retailers. Customers who purchase a physical book in their stores are getting something for free as an incentive of sorts. With mid-tier comics falling like flies as more and more comics turn to the $3.99 price point, it seems as if Marvel was looking to provide more fireworks for their upcoming Marvel NOW! festival/relaunch.
However, as the ancient philosopher once said, nothing in life is truly "free," expecially not digital comics. The Outhouse has been researching the effects of digital comics on the body and soul. We can exclusively reveal after hours of research that as soon as a person reads a digital comic, they start down a spiraling path of addiction that will see them abandon print stores forever.
Take the example of Chien-Po, a former physical comic book reader, who began buying digital comics just last year, enticed by the seductive allure of one of the Marvel Comic App's $.99 sales. Once a stout and earnest military man, within six months, he was sleeping in the dumpster behind a local Starbucks, leeching off their free wifi and burning through upwards of three Kindle Fires a month to feed his disgusting habit. "YO, YOU GOT A DOLLAR?!" he said when approached for comment, reeking of Mad Dog 20/20 and cheap digital copies of Amazing Spider-Man.
The Outhouse approached Marvel for comment. "The complacent Direct Market will fall," said Joe Quesada, Khan of Marvel Comics, as he sat perched upon his horse. "Not even their precious bricks and mortar can stop us now!" He then stroked his Fu Manchu mustache and sent his falcon to look for nearby stores to raid with his Golden Horde.
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About the Author - ThanosCopter
ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
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