A former fisherman has given the industry new found hope in suggesting that new readers do in fact exist.
Source: The Telegraph
The new comic book reader has often been likened to a mythical creature by many industry professionals. Rare, camera shy, and possessing the mystical ability to save dying titles with one glance, the new comic book reader has long thought to have been extinct, killed off by a combination of the destruction of their natural newsstand environment, rising comic book prices and chromium cover poisoning.
However, a new photo has surfaced of a new comic book reader has surfaced in Scotland, giving many in the industry hope that the rare creature might not quite be extinct. George Edwards, a hunter of mythical creatures for over twenty-five years, captured a picture of the mythical new comic book reader frolicking in one of the many lakes that dot the picturesque countryside.
While the creature was initially thought to be a plesiosaur, photo analysis (consisting mainly of zooming and enhancing) hinted that it might be something even more absurd than a dinosaur.
Ben D. Erbrau, a computer expert, helped confirm the suspicions after enhancing the photograph (shown at the end of the article). “Definitely a new comic book reader,” he said. “Note how happy it looks without years of continuity weighing on its mind. See how it doesn’t hesitate to decide whether to blow his budget on big event comics and their tie-ins or go for the smaller, better written books instead. Look at how quickly and easily he glides through the water without fear of not knowing where to read next.”
News of the sighting has spread quickly. Insiders at Marvel stated that Joe Quesada had already left for Scotland, armed with metric tons of light event comics with which to lure the reader out of water, all the meanwhile hoping hastily revising the comics to make them more relevant for an underwater creature.
Meanwhile, a source at DC told us that the company has sent famed new comic reader killer Rob Leifeld to bring the creature back by any means necessary. The creator was last seen getting into a jeep in London carrying several implausibly large guns with what appeared to be 327 pouches strapped to every square inch of his body.
If this report ends up being accurate and new comic book readers do exist, it’s believed that the industry will immediately show signs of recovering from its twenty year long tailspin into ruin. Comic sales will rise, prices will drop and bevies of busty female virgins will descend upon comic book stores, waiting to leap into the arms of all who shop there. If false, it’s largely believed that both companies will continue to posture and pretend like they’re taking steps to save the industry while perpetuating the same issues that ruined the industry in the first place.
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About the Author - ThanosCopter
ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
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