As the Outhouse suffered massive downtimes due to server issues at the end of last week, the world missed out on some of the funniest articles ever written.
Some say we had it coming. After months of relentlessly mocking comics industry professionals, fanboys, and even our fellow comic book journalists, the Outhouse suffered a huge blow last Thursday when a database crash took the site offline for over 24 straight hours, with aftershocks lasting through the weekend. During those dark times, however, it was the readers who lost the most, as they were deprived of The Outhouse's razor sharp wit and biting satire for days.
Even sadder, the Outhouse news team tells us that they had some of the best articles of their careers written during the outage, which will now never see the light of day.
"Man, I had this great one that pretty much tied together all the jokes about Stephanie Brown fans, Browncoats, Bronies, and comics fanboys. It was epic. Life-changing. My Watchmen. A complete deconstruction of comic book journalism," said Jude Terror, the overweight co-anchor of The Outhouse news team and webmaster of the site. "Funniest thing I've ever written. The sort of thing that comes to you once in a lifetime."
"I wrote 37 articles while the site was down. It was like a Renaissance of snark," said ThanosCopter, the other co-anchor, who may or may not be a real person. "One of them was a complete, scene for scene parody of Hamlet starring Dan Didio, Joe Quesada, and Wolverine. The article was 300 pages long and probably would have changed comics journalism forever. Too bad it will never see the light of day."
Many are wondering: if The Outhouse staff wrote such amazing articles while the server was down, why not just post them now, since it's back up? The answer is not so simple.
"Ummmmm...." said Jude Terror.
"Errr..." added ThanosCopter, before fleeing the room.
"You have to understand," said GHERU, a Jew. "The comics news cycle moves very quickly, and stories that were relevant on a Thursday are old news by Monday. I wrote a few articles last week that could legitimately have won me a Pulitzer, but since I didn't get to post them at the time, I've printed them out and I'm now using them as toilet paper, as if they had come from Bleeding Cool. It's the way it goes."
Sadly, readers will simply have to live with the fact that they have missed out on some of the best comic book news articles ever written, and hope that, some day, the writers of the Outhouse will be inspired to create masterpieces like these again.
"Yeah, I'm probably gonna write three articles about Alan Moore this week," said Jude Terror. "I plan to recycle the same four jokes in each one: Alan Moore is a wizard, Dan Didio hates Alan Moore, Alan Moore's beard can talk, and... shit, do I really only have three? I'll use the wizard thing twice."
Business as usual at The Outhouse.