- Written by Jude Terror on Wednesday, August 22 2012 and posted in News and Satire
Facebook's war on accounts with fake names yesterday had unintended consequences for members of one of America's oldest and most prestigious families.
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Source: Facebook Purges Cosplay Accounts (Mashable)
In its ongoing crusade to make sure everyone on Facebook uses a real name that can be sold to advertisers, the monstrous social networking giant has disabled the accounts of thousands of cosplayers. Though the almighty Facebook answers to no one and refused to comment on the situation, evidence suggests that the purging of accounts was accomplished by looking for any account with the word cosplay in the name and deleting it. Facebook's use of the sword here was effective in terms of seeking out a large number of "illegal" accounts and dispatching with them quickly, but perhaps a scalpel would have been appropriate, as it had the unfortunate consequence of insulting one of America's oldest and most respected families: the Cosplays.
Though the Cosplay lineage can be traced back to the middle ages in Europe, with many famous and elaborately dressed knights and ladies in the tree, the family first rose to true prominence during the American Revolution. The family patriarch, Admiral Thaddeus D. Cosplay III, was a privateer in the Continental Navy, wearing a remarkably detailed and authentic pirate costume and working directly with war hero and Led Zeppelin bassist John Paul Jones. Cosplay is known for being the fifty-seventh and final signatory of the Declaration of Independence. At the signing, Cosplay's powdered wig and tights were regarded as being the most authentic and believable at the entire ceremony, which was an impressive feat, since it took place in 1776 and therefore all of the outfits were authentic and believable.
The family continued to rise in prominence over the years, becoming synonymous with American industry, as Winston P. Cosplay's Cosplay and Sons Hat and Wig Makers Co., founded in 1827, led the headwear industry for over a century before entering a decline when new civil rights laws made the company's use of "real hair from the heads of Injuns and Chinamen" illegal. Regardless, the family remains influential today, with many members holding high-ranking positions in renaissance fairs, civil war reenactment troupes, and celebrity impersonation services nationwide. The family views Facebook's new policy of banning any account using the name Cosplay as an insult to their honor.
"This is outrageous!" exclaimed Penelope Q. Cosplay II, a treasure hunter. "After everything my family has done for this country, to be treated like this! I had so many cherished family memories stored in photographs on Facebook: photos of my father in his uniform from the time he spent as a ninja in Japan, pictures of my grandmother, who was the stunt double for Marylin Monroe in some of her most famous movies, and even a few pictures of my son Tobias, a pokemon. All of these irreplaceable memories are lost thanks to Facebook's hasty and thoughtless actions."
"Harumph harumph," agreed Penelope's cousin, Frederick Cosplay, who was dressed like teen comic book character Kid Loki for reasons The Outhouse was unable to determine.
This isn't the first time members of the Cosplay family have suffered because of their name's close association with the pastime of dressing up as popular geek characters. Stephanie Brown Cosplay, an 83 year old great grandmother, suffered a broken hip in 2011 when she was accosted by horny, mistaken fanboys outside her hotel room in San Diego, where she was staying while attending a knitting convention that coincided unfortunately with Comic Con International. To make matters worse, she found herself quarantined at the hospital for two weeks after doctors mistakenly read news reports on the internet calling her a "toxic" character.
The Outhouse attempted to reach out to Facebook for comment on this story, but it turns out it is im-fucking-possible to find any way to contact anyone even tangentially related to the company. Readers with deactivated accounts that need to reach someone there are encouraged to purchase a large share of Facebook stock and gain a controlling stake in the company, which could be accomplished for approximately thirty-five dollars following its epic failure of an IPO in June.
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