The ending to Avengers vs. X-Men was so depressing that it left President Obama unable to defend himself in last night's debate.
President Obama and challenger Mitt Romney met in Denver, Colorado last night for the first in a series of presidential debates leading up to November's election, but Obama seemed to lack the drive to compete. Romney was able to attack with impunity while a disheartened Obama looked down at the podium and rambled aimlessly about Abraham Lincoln and the intercontinental railroad. While some liberal media pundits have tried to attribute the President's sluggish performance to a choice to take the high road, sources inside the Obama campaign have revealed to The Outhouse that the President's will to debate was all but lost after reading the ending to Marvel's Avengers vs. X-Men event in Avengers vs. X-Men #12.
"The President was extremely saddened to see a longtime favorite character like Cyclops treated in such a disrespectful manner by Marvel," our source told us. "He felt that the character's history and even the long term health of the X-Men franchise was damaged for the sake of cheap shock value in a throwaway story."
Many supporters were expecting Obama to go on the attack in the debate, bringing up recent Romney gaffes like a recorded conversation in which the former Massachusetts governor said that forty-seven percent of Americans don't pay income taxes, or his homophobic Mormon beliefs. Instead, a dejected Obama just smiled half-heartedly as Romney expressed plans to dismantle Obamacare and cut funding for Sesame Street.
Romney took every opportunity to paint the Obama administration as ineffective and detrimental to middle class Americans. "People are hurting," said Romney while answering a question about the economy. "Fifty four percent of the people who work for small business will be hurt by paying President Obama's income tax. Also, Cyclops has clearly been evolving into a villain since Grant Morrison's New X-Men run over a decade ago, and he didn't even show any remorse after murdering his mentor and mutant job creator, Professor Xavier. He said he would do it all again if he had to."
President Obama seemed dispirited by the attack. "Captain America brought an armed force to Utopia," replied the President. "It was a clear act of aggression, and Cap and Iron Man's plan to attack the Phoenix Force was ill-conceived and ended up causing more harm than good. It's really their fault that Scott, Emma, and the rest of the Phoenix Five had that power in the first place. He should take responsibility."
"Scott is responsible for his own actions," replied Romney. "He threw the first punch. He was willing to sacrifice the Earth just to reignite the X-gene. He's a mutant supremacist. He said as much in one of the comics. I remember reading it."
"It didn't happen like that," Obama retorted. "Scott was right about Hope all along. The Avengers should have just let her take the Phoenix Force to begin with. The whole conflict could have been prevented."
"Wolverine said that Scott couldn't be reasoned with," asserted Romney. "Wolverine is a great character, a job creator and not a Mary Sue. That's why he's in so many books. If elected president, I promise that Wolverine will be given even more room to boost the economy for years to come."
Obama began to question exactly how a fictional creator created jobs, but was cut off by moderator Jim Lerher, a known DC Comics fan.
The next presidential debate will be between Vice President Joe Biden and Romney's running mate, Congressman Paul Ryan, on October 11th. Ryan is expected to base his platform around an argument that The Scarlet Witch is a great character whose Chaos Magic powers are not in any way a cheap plot device used to cover up gaping story inconsistencies. Then Obama and Romney will meet again in a Town Hall style debate on October 16th, by which time Marvel's Uncanny Avengers #1, which will deal with the aftermath of Avengers vs. X-Men, will have dropped like a turd into comic shops around the country.
"The word is that Cyclops, Emma, Colossus, Magick, and Namor will be full fledged villains in the Marvel Universe for the foreseeable future," an Obama aide told us, "along with Magneto. The President doesn't understand why Magneto would be included in that group. He fought on the Avengers' side at the end of the event. It doesn't make any sense."
Polls are expected to show a bump for Romney this morning, and the Obama campaign could be in danger come election time if Obama is unable to recover from his depression over the comic. Political analysts are suggesting that the President should stop reading Marvel Comics, which are really only produced to keep trademarks active and breed properties that can be turned into blockbuster movies, and instead try some indie books like Dark Horse's The Massive, Image Comics' Saga, or Oni Press's The Sixth Gun, which are able to tell complete and meaningful stories without the burden of the need to meet short-sighted editorial mandates and appease profit-driven shareholders, but whether the President will be able to give up his addiction to repetitive superhero comics remains to be seen. Whatever the case, the fate of the nation hangs in the balance.
Michelle Obama consoles her deflated husband after he finished reading Avengers vs. X-Men #12.
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