After a federal appeals court ruled that the Defense of Marriage Act was unconstitutional, Captain America promised that he and the Avengers would continue to fight until all tolerance of mutants was stamped out.
Today, a federal appeals court in New York ruled that DOMA, or the Defense of Marriage Act, which aims to define marriage as being between two humans, effectively outlawing mutant marriage, is unconstitutional. This follows a similar ruling in Massachusetts, and the fight is expected to eventually reach the Supreme Court. That is, unless the sentinel of liberty, Captain America, and the Avengers can take care of it first.
"It was only a few months ago that mutants tried to solve all the problems in the world," said Captain America, referring to the Avengers vs. X-Men war that saw the X-Men, imbued with the powers of a flaming cosmic bird entity, put a stop to all war and hunger, effectively turning the Earth into a utopian planet. "We stopped them then, and we're going to stop them now. This attempt to make it legal for two mutants who love each other to have the same legal rights as humans is appalling and The Avengers will not stand for it."
According to early reports, Captain America has already assembled an assault team of Avengers, which is prepared to wait in S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier hovering above the locations of mutant weddings. When the service gets to the point that the officiant asks for anyone who objects to the union to speak now or forever hold their peace, Captain America will lead an assault on the ceremonies, instructing Norse god Thor to punch the bride in the stomach.
Surprisingly, Wolverine, a mutant himself, seems to support Captain America's stance on the matter. "If mutants can't get married, that means people can't accuse me of wanting to sleep with their wives," said the abrasive murderer. "Sleeping with another guy's girlfriend is not as bad, bub." To thank him for his support, Captain America then let Wolverine have ten minutes alone in a room with a bound and helpless Cyclops so he could beat the shit out of him, to the applause of simple-minded fans.
This is not the first time Wolverine and Captain America have teamed up to deny mutants the same rights as humans. Earlier in the summer, during the aforementioned Avengers Vs. X-Men war, the two took a warship to the mutant island of Utopia to take an underage girl away from her adoptive, mutant, grandparents. “The Avengers do not believe in allowing mutants the right to adopt children, and just because the child’s adoptive father escaped into the future before we could rescue her that does not mean that she can stay with his younger father when they get back.” Captian America told us via hologram.
Captain America continued; “We have updated our charter to include regulations that members must (1) To do their duty to God and the Avengers and to obey Captain America’s word as Law. (2) To be heroes at all times. (3) To keep themselves physically superior, mentally strong and morally upright. If you cannot agree to these terms and my interpretation of them, you have no place on The Avengers.”
When asked about these new revelations regarding The Avengers’ stance on hot button issues, Wonder Man reminded everyone that he had been warning anyone who would listen about The Avengers and their “Uncle Tom” mutant members. “Just look at what The Scarlet Witch did to her fellow mutants just a few years ago. Are you trying to tell me that the 'futurist' Tony Stark, or 'the master strategist' Steve Rogers, or even the 'smartest man ever' Reed Richard (a close friend of The Avengers) didn’t see that coming? Please, get real.”
“’Uncle Tom!’ That ionic purple freak has the gall to call me an Uncle Tom?!” Doctor Henry McCoy screamed during a phone interview. “Just because I work with and spread the message of an organization that does not believe that I should be allowed to marry, have children, adopt children, or teach children does not mean that I have turned my back on my people!” The Beast then had to end the interview because he had to clean up The Avenger’s mess hall, kitchen, and mansion before he was allowed his daily meal.
The Outhousers, generally regarded as the greatest news organization the world has ever known, tried to reach Scott Summers for comment, but his warden told us that he was unavailable for an interview because he was in the infirmary after being heroically beaten down by the moral center of The Avengers, Wolverine.
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About the Author - GHERU
RU, or as he’s known in the writers’ room: the cute one, is relatively unappreciated in his time. RU’s YouTube show, RUviews is watched by literally multiple people every month and his Outhouse articles have helped line many a bird cage. Before you send RU a message, he knows that there are misspelled words in this article, and probably in this bio he was asked to write. RU wants everyone to know that after 25+ years of collecting he still loves comic books and can’t believe how seriously fanboys take them. RU lives in Akron Ohio (unfortunately) with WIFE, ‘lilRuRu, and the @DogGodThor. You can also find him on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, & even Google+ (if anyone still uses that).
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